touch me tease me...

you say you scared
but i'm aware
that when you needed him he wasn't there
and now you can't care about me
you should know i'm in deep
and the climbing's to steep
yet i feel you like you beneath me in the bed
i kiss your forehead
but it's all in my head
like santa riding an open sled
i'm red
mostly embarassed but a lil tipsy
denyin that you not here with me
grabbing and kissing body parts
you're perfection as living art
exactly what picasso sought
cupid got me through the heart

i just got what i was asking for which is more of you. i understand that was a big step for you and i really appreciate it. so i'm sitting here marinating on that and it's doing me no good at all. i'm just thinking of beautiful words that sound nice but that's all. i don't know if we are going or coming and i'll elaborate when i'm able to think better

... guilty pleasure

let me seek you out and lay my warm hands upon you
taking my time to carress every curve sculpted into the living art that is your body
may my passion reach your soul when our lips meet
and may your satisfaction display itself in the form of your heart skipping a beat
allow me to tame your every desire
and don't be scared to reply when i inquire what your happiness requires
inkwell, doug j.; titles, i have several
but you may call me your guilty pleasure

i know it might need some work but i just kinda thought of it when i thought about that milky way commercial... might step the metaphors up or scap it all together.

A.R.AN. #3

i'm sitting here thinking about common's punch drunk love and kanye's say you will. don't know why, been thinking a lil lately about a lot of things going on in my life right now. My aunt died early last friday morning and her funeral is set for saturday 11 pm... she was like a mom to me and i think the hardest part is gonna be the fact that i will never hear her telling me "our story" and i'm really gonna miss her teasing me. i try not to be sad because she was the complet opposite and would always find a way to make me smile. she loved this maple based candy called goodies... and they were delicious, might go coupe a pack today to cheer my self up.

on a completely different note, i've been thinking and i have a question... am i supposed to be demoliton man? am i supposed to tear down these walls and go find a rare treasure? i've always taken things at face value even though i ponder and think in an analytical manner. just a thought that hit me when i was listening to that kanye just now. if confidence=swag then i thnk i'm sub par right now. it seems like i can't get anything right right now. i just feel like i'm doing everything the hard way and it's frustrating because i can't put my hands on the root of the problem.

Kanye & Doug J.

i've never heard 808 and heartbreaks so i'm just gonna listen to it and see what i come up with. i'm not sure if anybody will like/appreciate it but i'm just gonna keep it real and say what ever i'm feeling or thinking. don't be afraid if it aint all good cause nothing ever is.

say you will
the very first words on the track brings back a memory of me sitting on lb's sofa and you telling me you want to live in mobile... threw me off, and i feel like kanye, i wish it would come true and i fantasize about you. i feel like there shouldn't be a lot of talk between us because enough if not too much has already been said. am i love... i don't think so. i'm just engulfed in the intricate complexities that is you. nothing excites me more than an intelligent mind wrapped in beauty. but flattery gets you no where at all, actions get more results...

welcome to heartbreak
wow! this shit is sad! i want to have a great life, but i would much rather share it with a wife. at least a girlfriend. someone i can have more than a friendship with because i'm satisfied in that area of my life. i have friends galore! i have really good friends, both male and female. some i can tell my biggest secrets and some i can't. some i can talk about sex with, some i can not. some i can tell my flaws too and they'll keep it real and tell me exactly where i be messing up and others who will try to make me seem cool anyway. i know i'm cool because i'm real, so i prefer that they keep it real. i've always wanted a girlfriend but it's just the fact that i don't like bs and that slows my reaching out to females, especially when i see something i don't like. I always try to let the good outshine the bad but sometimes they won't let it. Like right now i got my homies blowed about who i don't like anymore... they thought i was playing or exaggerating, but i'm really not. Heartbreak is unavoidable, but when i see it coming i always go heads up with it... i never cross teh street, i never hurdle, i never juke... i'm stronger than it is and everyone isn't so let someone else see what they're capable of though me... why not?

heartless
did i loose my soul to a heartless woman... no. a friend, but that's old news. to keep it real, that whole event shapped me into who i am right now. i will never be heartless but i think i'm bout to put up walls. just to make it worse, i'm gonna put up bullet proof glass, unbreakable but you can see everything behind it... i think i'm bout to get into torture so to speak. and when you and someone you like aint clicking it's frustating and irritating... TELL ME ANYTHING... that just popped into my head for some unkown reason! to answer kanye: i can be heartless because ignoring my conscience is something i've been working on for a while now

amazing
it's amazing that when i look in the mirror i am looking for answers to questions that no one has ever asked. but i'd like them to be asked and to be wanted to be asked because some one cares enough to ask. i have an ego but it's not like you would think. i want to know that people care that my mom is feeling good, or my granny is still mugging and ignoring everybody who comes through the door. that my dad still whistles strange tunes in odd pitches. that wayne is still wayne and that johnny still gives everybody a hard time. that you might not ever meet wanda and that we can always get a drink at renee's house! that i can cook better than your moms, and i can bake almost as good as your grandma! that i can write silky smoothe poetry and even fables. that i know of john donne, robert frost, and milton too. that shakespere was a genius even if i don't like reading his works... i want you to know that you are trying to get to know me and won't try to change me even if you don't like some things about me..

love lockdown
kanye said it... we're just wasting time, where's the finish line.... you keep your love lock down and you loose... you choose. you can actually break this song down how ever you like... but kanye pretty much covered us but i wish it wasn't true

paranoid
why are you? everyone aint out to hurt you or let you down. why all the walls? i'm not sure if i'm tougher than them, then again i don't pick fights with walls... i let them stand, and i leave them alone. so much is flooding back to my mind... so very contradictory are the things i'm revisiting right now.

robocop
the name reminds me of that old movie where the killed that cop and they brought him back as a robot... he never gave up on his passion and it seemed like the deck was always stacked against him but he always made a way out of no way. even when he seemed obsolete he was able to win. and as far as the lyrics i don't want a robocop and you're no robocop. do you and i'ma do me maybe we'll be doing our own thing together one day but you making the whole give up thing really easy right now and i was serious as a heartbeat if we keep ending up back here.

street lights
just let me know if the walls are meant to be broken... there was a hint of glass cracking and you're brave for that (too much left to the imagination).

badnews
... moving on to the next track

see you in my nightmares
do people have the right to fight for those who aren't even indicating that they want to be won? i think about it all the time but i still make time to prepare for the fight. when ever, where ever... if i feel like they're worth it but even people like me get tired of stuggling with no results. i never want to see you in my nightmares because then its time to let you go. almost 6 months later and less than half the fire... is this a nightmare? or just a wake up call?

coldest winter
oh yes it tis! its 8 hours away... i've lost sleep. will this be the coldest winter ever... why do i even think about it? or you? it eludes me. it really does. this was a broken play action to the streaking receiver but why don't i throw it away. i'm not match for your defenses... so i'm left holding the ball at a really bad time but...

pinochio story
i don't wanna be a real boy because i'm a real man! if only pinochio had parents like mine...

L-factor (formerly named "10 lines prior to a thought")

i'm looking forward to not going back
while appreciating this instead of wishing for that
getting high off of not being so down
and understanding how silence can be a thundering sound

i've kept some ignorant to the things i've known
and exposed some to how sheltered i've become
my laying low has led to new heights
and my basking in the sun has turned to bathing in the pale moon light

you can take what you will but i'm giving my all
my pen may lie but my spirits will never fall

it took me minutes to work out how i was gonna make this poem work but i think i pulled it off alright and i just wanted yall to know that i'm still around but i've just had an issue or two to let work their selves out and they have. i'm really going on the prowl because i have to meet more girls because the ones i've known are not getting it for me and thats the uncontested truth. i'm not even upset because i've been knowing how things were gonna turn out for a while. I feel like i just got divorced but i have no choice (i perceive that i have no choice so if it is contested people may feel what ever they like) in the matter. I'm not brave enough to tell people how i really feel because i'm pretty sure i would alter (i really mean destroy) friendships and leave people mumbling how they don't understand... and just that they don't understand is a clear indication of some of the bullshit that needs to be addressed. of course i'm not the same person i was a year ago, are you? i'm fiending for someone to keep it real with and who will give me they're all even when it's hard and they don't know how we'll make it becuase i'll be right there with them making things the way they should be. i'm gonna leave yall with this thought: i'm not for everyone to understand because i know what love is and HOW TO love and love is an intangible variable that transcends comprehension!

lady who can make a difference

boo! i know it's been a while since i've last blogged but i guess i just haven't bee feeling the whole blog thing lately and that's just what it is! any way i've bee thinking a lot lately and i need to hit the reset button on the whole ladies situation. i'm not sure if i do or don't like this one girl even though she's so much fun and easy to talk to. i think she's failing a class or two but i'm cool with that because she was right... but that's just the thing she shouldn't be! i'm a fairly smart guy and i can pretty much see what is and isn't going to happen and no matter how much i might want that... emphasis on might, i don't see anything happen between us... it's like if we were face to face things might be different but i'm not willing to push any envelopes seeing as how we just talk trash on the phone! then everybody else has fallen completely off; point blank (period). i'm looking for a lady who can make a difference. who won't talk a good game and not come close to living up to the hype. who will make me feel like i'm never on the back burner even when her plate is full (of course there will be reciprocaiton)! i'm looking for someone who is not afraid to be their self even when it might make them seem weird because i don't like or tolerate fake peeps... i'm big on being who i am and i want others to feel comfortable being who they are around me. I'm not afraid to make my self vulnerable by putting my feelings on the line and i want a girl who'd do the same for me. while everybody has a certain amount of privacy, there wouldn't be much we wouldn't be able to talk about and there won't be no judgements passed because we all make mistakes. a sense of humor will go miles and miles with me, even if i don't get all her jokes and she doesn't get mine we can still share a laugh. of course she has to have a brain and the capacity to use it and vocalize her ideas (no, i don't think girls are dumb but i'm just making sure i let yall know i don't want a dim woman). why can't more guys be like me? good question but why can't more girls fall for guys like me? It's one of those things that i don't even trip on because i know who and what i am, and if you don't give your self a chance to discover me... then your loss. i'm done waiting on the girls to wake up and actually see me for Doug so now i'm looking for a lady who can make a difference in my having to write blogs like this!

thinking

yesterday was a good day, at least that's what i thought
i spent the entire day with her, guilt free, no faults
we went to the mall to update our swag
we tasted different cuisines so you know i was glad


yesterday was a good day, at least that's what i thought
it was a fun filled day from beginning to end
but when i woke up that's when reality set in
yesterday was a good day though it was just a thought

clutch

when it comes down to it,
the last seconds of the game,
my team mates looks for guidance,
they look to me in the clutch

the coach asks a lot of me,
but i ask so much more,
i could close my eyes and still,
know where i'm at on the floor in the clutch

i could sink the three ball with ice in my veins
or cross up the defender on my way to the lane
don't matter how i do it, as long
as i win us the game, in the clutch

when the fans stop cheering
and there's no games left to play
i wonder where the chips will lay
when there's no longer a need for me to come through in the clutch...

>k>c>a>b

well it's the end of october and 29 days until my 20th b-day. My birthday falls on the weekend this year, which is not a bad thing, but i'll make it into one (evil grin creeps upon my face)! right now i'm thinking on some things, as i always do, and i'm pretty sure that i'm going to have to get serioiusly study famous people's books and styles and techniques and study my craft before i run into writing half cocked and what not. I'm beginning to take my writings a lil more seriously these days because i want to have a comfortable life and even while i'm young i could be writing and making money doing so. And i'm beginning to understand that i should take my health more seriously as well because cancer, high blood pressure, and diabetes runs on both sides of the family tree. While being "fluffy" as my home girl G puts it is cool and all, but i'd much rather be a tad less fluffy and a lot more healthier... My hair is long enough to start dreads and even my big bro wayne told me my hair getting longer. IT TOOK LONG ENOUGH!!! now i've grown my beard out as well and i look a lil different when i see my self in the mirror but i'm cool with this lil rick ross i got going on cause i'm still me beneath it all! I think i've been complacent with under achieving for a while now and it's costed me some things here and there but nothing big, but now i have to kinda play catch up a lil bit and put my self under a lil bit of strain and thats not cool! And, i miss my friends... i don't have many people that i call friends... but i miss em all for real! on a completely different note, i went to work with my brother yester day and the first thing he said was to be careful and before we even started working i cracked my big toe nail right across the middle. Its numbing up was a blessing... thats how much it hurt! after a while when it was numb it was fine, even when i took my shower it didn't hurt anymore. even though its cracked i don't think the nail is gonna come off because it wasn't hurting to day and it only bled a lil bit under the nail. I'm still under the weather but it's cool because i will be finding something to get into tomorrow night and happy halloween to all!

mic check

i know i've been away for a while but i've been thinking a lot and there has been major static in my life lately but it's cool cause i don't crack that easily. there are people who think i'm such a cool person but they obviously don't know who my grand mother is and they may find out that i'm really a nicholson more so than a james. I've began to try to be more objective about where others fit in my life when i'm keeping it real with my self because you can try to fool others but you can't fool your self. I'm beginning to be cool with some cold hard facts and i think it's gonna start reflecting in my interactions with others... that might not be such a good thing for some people who think we're cool. Thats a truth i'm willing to get used to because it is what it is. I don't wanna go into the specifics right now but yall got until monday before i really start being that guy as my brother wayne puts it! I'll never be the type that goes out of my way to make others feel uncomfortable but i'm really about to "relax" on yall whack ass charcters! 10/20/08... grab your popcorn

dunno 2

well, my floor is clean and i have a basket full of dirty clothes and i might wash em throughout the night if i stay up though i'm feeling tired at the early hour of 11pm central time zone. The closet is the daunting task out of everything because i'm not sure what i'm gonna find and what i'll have to sort through... i'm actually thinking about getting a small book shelf or one of those big plastic containers because i have quite a few books that are scattered all over the place... i'm thinking about acuall putting my bed all the way in the corner, sliding the entertainment system all the way up against the adjacent corner, putting the mini fridge next to that, putting my new dresser next to the bed, and then going from there because that would give me a lot more room...i just don't wanna go through the closet because there are a lot of clothing in there and i don't feel like going throuth there... i already see about three pair of shoes that have to go, and that aing gonna get it. my winter clothes need to def be upgraded and allt that good stuff... it's just not looking good for me right now even though i could def put together a dope outfit i'd still have to replace a ton of stuff that's definitely not what's hot! i might need to put a pot of coffee on for this one... if you up please hit me up for morale support cause i'ma need that...

dunno

i've been away for a brief minute but i'm back with not much to say. My room is dirty so i'm bout to clean that up and fold all my clothes and hang the rest up... then i'll have to clean out my closet once and for all and clean out my old dresser so that i can get the new one in. I've been interviewed for a real job at the car dealership, but the people who take and handle payments. i hope i get called back on tuesday, but i'm definitely looking for something cause i have stuff i really wanna do... i've been having some "mr. james" like dreams here lately and i actually woke up expecting someone to be next to me saturday morning... joke was on me though! i'm bout to start learning more of my mom's baking recipes and i might actually get a lil bake sale popping cause i'm good at it, it kinda runs in my family to be able to cook (on my mom's side anyway). i've been having writer's block not because i don't have good material but because i can't focus on anything to write on lately. i'm taking all applications, that is if you want me to write on a specific topic that just came across your mind just hit me on facebook in my inbox or something and then i should be able to focus on your specific topic (hopefully). Anyway, i was thinking about how i look in the mirror without my hair being combed and my face being brushed and i look like a bum. But when i get a line up and my beard trimmed, i look professional and fly and what not... then when i actually dress right... well let's just say women look. this 30 something year old lady hit me with a classic line when i went in at my job interview... she was like "don't i know you from somewhere?" I said "no mam" and she kept on and i was like "i'm only 19 but you might be confusing me with one of my brothers" she smiled and said "maybe..." i'd be lying if i said i'd be scared to be trapped behind closed doors with her cause she seems smart and on top of that she looks really good and faintly reminds me of alicial keys... so that means she can get it... but i know other people who need to dawn the shorts and arrange a reandevous with Mr. James... and i'm out on that note cause i gotta clean my room but my cell phone is on...

Mr. James

i take a deep breath before i knock on her door.
"knock, knock, knock!"
the echo of each knock chases each other in a friendly game of tag for what seems like minutes.
she comes to the door in her shorts and t-shirt, along with a smile meant only for me.
she grabs me by the hand and leads me inside, closing... and locking the door behind me.
the thought of my personal space being invaded was one of pleasure on this occasion.
there's low music in the background and i'm pretty sure it's slow but i'm not listening to it.
a perfect amount of perfume envelopes this dream, woman, but she is the one that's intoxicating!
she and i hadn't seen each other in months and we couldn't stop smiling.
as i smiled, i thought about all of the phone conversations (especially the break-ups), the back sliding, the laughter, the playful threats, and other things as well.
those were conversations for the phone and she was right here in front of me. for so long i fought a lot of the things that were supposed to make me a james, but not tonight, not right now!...
to be continued...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i don't think i'd ever been this focused on one person in my life, i only desired to make every move the right one. as she led me through a path that she knew from memory alone, i began to think about what was going to happen and i had all of the feelings that an 8 year old would have on the morning of christmas. her hips worked as a perfect pair of seducers and i watched so intently i barely missed her heel when she stopped and opened her bed room door. despite my clumsiness, my hands knew exactly what to do as they gently placed themselves on both sides of her waist and before i knew it the engine of this love train pulled me into our final destination for the evening. her room had a bed and that's as far as my eyes got, i couldn't even tell you the color of the pillows. i took my shoes off near the door and my shirt too. she smiled at me as she walked over to the bed. she removed the pins from her hair and it fell to about her shoulders and i love shoulder length hair! our eyes met as i appoached her and we embraced each other with the most passionate kiss possible that left the both of us gasping for oxygen. But we kept at it and i remember running my fingers through her silky hair as i layed her down onto the bed. i placed my hands upon her stomach and started sliding them down, down, down to the top of her shorts and they folded upon them selves until they were off of her...
to be continued shortly...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
now that we were past the greetings and were serious about doing "this", whatever this is, she grabbed my belt and unfastened it and my jeans fell to the floor like the lifeless article of clothing that they were. the bulge in my boxer briefs grew as she placed her hand upon it. she looked at me with the most lustful eyes whispering the question "is this for me?" and my lips answered "especially!" what followed was nothing short of ecstasy; so many kisses, so many positions, so many promises... hours passed at the same rate of seconds and finally we were without energy. This was everything that i thought it would be and more. she lay in my arms looking at me and i lay gazing looking at the breaking dawn outside the window. "where do we go from here?" she asked and listened for the answer intently. I replied, "i don't know but you've trusted me to the greatest extent a woman can trust a man and i wouldn't do anything to hurt you!" i grabbed her hand and interlocked it with mine and looked her in her eyes. She beamed her angelic smile at me and then we fell asleep...

lego life pt. 1

i think i'm bout to go over board with this whole change stuff yall. For starters 4 of my 5 meals a day will probably be consist of cereal or oatmeal with fruit or fruit juices. i'm thinking about walking in the morning and the evening for at least a mile and not eat anything after 730 pm... and that time will come up to about six thirty in october. i'm gonna limit carbs and anything that is high in sugar, salt, or cholesterol. i love meat so i think i'm gonna have baked, broiled, and grilled seafood, and poultry on deck at all times. red meats maybe once a week... i need to loose some weight. the only soda i'll be drinking is coke zero and no tea. i'll be using a lot of splenda because i have to have coffee. i'm trying to up my fiber intake as well as my vitamin and mineral intake also so that i can loose weight in a healthy way. i'm gonna try to have intense workouts every other day out side my usual walks in the morning and evening. like maybe an intense 10 to 15 minute routine that works everything but it'll be over quick. And i'm job huntinga and there are some nice opportunities out there but i have to write a resume which looks very frail on paper but my references will clear that up if they decide to check em out. And i can't really put the intangibles down on paper either, which sucks because i'm actually a hard worker when it's a job and people pay me to do something. I should have my resume in circulation by the end of the day and with any luck i should have an offer by the end of the week because i'm ready to get my life together... yall really don't know the half! running in neighborhood gutters for her? you might be surprised, but maybe not! I don't expect any one to get that but if you do hit me on face book and i'll let you know if you're right. i don't know what i'm bout to do but i'm really hungry so i might go handle that...

purely from my mind to my finger tips/ 100% doug, no fillers

first i'd like you to play the song that i've found for you because everyone can appreciate good music even if you don't like the genre. this a nice lil tune that caught my ear and relaxed me when i was thinking about all of the stuff that is on my mind. this is one of the best to do it and without any further typing on my part the legendary John coltrane (que for clapping)

i just got back from what was supposed to be my first party of the year but there were other things in the work call it fate! i went to scoop up my accomplices; laura, josh, and kourtney; but my phone's screen went snow white and wouldn't respond so i took my chip out and broke it in half. that's right, no more black jack for dougie, i might get the black jack II but i don't know yet. first thing i'm getting monday by 5pm is a job so that i can become independant. Plus i gotta go to bham soon to record with the fam. that's the pre road trip though, i'm going back to CU for 4 days... homecoming weekend. the get there on the 20th and leave that sunday. I don't know what my parents are gonna say but what can they say if i got my own bread... they can kick me out but i doubt it will be that dramatic. If you mean anything to me i will try very hard to grace you with my presence since it will be a while before i come back. I want accomplice #3 to come with, but i hope walter don't trip (he scares me)! But back to tonight. We were supposed to go to pensacola to what else, a sigma party, but the whole phone situation came up and we couldn't get it together but i got my mom's phone and we ended up going downtown which was fun and refreshing! next was food, though i wasn't hungry. we spend about 20 mins at krystals because somebody needed more money so i ended up being broke after that, it was only $3.00 but it was the last in my pocket and i didn't mind cause i know they'd do it for me. i Chained smoked 2 blacks in the parking lot, and yes i still have that chest cold... i'm not the brightest person but oh well. then we went back to the grove (new dorms at south alabama) and downed some smirnoffs and they played spades while i watched and cracked jokes... one person was tripping at first but she got it together. then we called g and she was cooking and i talked to her for a while and i should be engaged by 21 and married by 22 at the rate things going... my love life is a roller coaster! if yall didn't know, i don't date cause it's too expensive. I chill with people and feel them out and go from there. I think i have about 3 people on the list of people i would possibly marry with more time with them just seeing how we mesh and the people on that list are all good people but if i had to jump off a cliff for them i don't think i'll do it just yet! Work harder canidates, good black men are rare, show me what you working with!!! this whole night was a joy, even the part where my phone quit, because it lead to other things that i enjoyed. We're gonna run it back next week but more organized and more action packed... Just so yall know i have some dope friends and i wouldn't trade them for anything. (i'm thinking something to my self but i don't know if i should put it up here at this particular time... so i won't for now. I've been going back and fourth in my mind about the whole thing and trying to understand what's really going on is like trying to catch smoke. like i said, i don't like to assume things but i think i'm getting a better understanding of the situation and the people involved in it. i'm kinda like that guy from psyche, i have all the pieced but i just don't hit me until something connects all the pieces... It's gonna be a long time before... well like i said, i don't wanna put it up now so let me think on it and then i'll drop that bomb on yall later)Now, all i need is to lay back and let sleep get me so i can clean up the house tomorrow. *couldn't decide on one title so appreciate them both*

Who am I

who am i to...
want her to take a chance on me with one of her most valuable assets, her heart?
ask her to make hard decisions that will possibly produce frustrations, worries, or satisfaction?
ask her to give me a chance when i've done nothing to deserve one?
to want her to make time for me in the chaotic schedule that is her life?
want her to be exclusive to someone who is so far away from her most of the time?
then, i got to thinking... (like you didn't see that one coming) there's only one question that needs an answer before the others should even be considered...
who am i to her?

hurricane-day

Gustov came and went with no real boom to me, personally! I know that other areas were flooded out and ripped apart and i'm sorry about that. We got a lot of rain and a lot of wind, the power went out for the less than the length of my mid-morning nap, and the cable went out for a couple hours but thank god for dvd's. My mom cooked the usual breakfast she cooks when everybody's here. Some grits (to g, very tender grits), bacon and sausage (pick your poison), scrabled eggs, and toast (make your own) with homemad jam (she makes it and it's the best you'll ever taste)!! i went back to my room and thougth about a lot of stuff while there was nothing to really do and weighed some of my options while i was up to nothing. Later, my brother johnny and his family came over and brought dinner with them. It was kinda tasty and i enjoyed it. My cough is persistant but i'm on some mucinex md, and some anti-biotics to help knock it on out of me. I'm craving some tea but there is none around, and i want some starbucks so i hope it's open tomorrow. I'm watching i wanna work for diddy and it's crazy but i think i could actually work for him. So... I was talking to a friend yesterday and i was sad as hell because she was here in mobile for a sec this summer and we didn't get to see each other and just talking to her was an enchanting moment for me. There was a smile that just wouldn't leave my face and i couldn't really help my self. I love the girl, she'll always be a good friend of mine, even if we have adverse moments. outside of that nothing has really been up with me. bored outta my mind as usual, but i'm working on that... (sinister grin)! Yall be cool and keep an eye out for whatever's next... ima try to get a solid chapter of an eye full of sand up for yall really soon!

ugh!

"i woulda said yes, but our situaion is different
when we aint talking on the phone it feels like something's missing"

lb, my brother, these lines are plaguing me! you heard me nail these that one time and i know we both had/have our situations to deal with but this is getting to me for some reason. has been for the past two days. i'm outta school tomorrow so i def gotta find something to do (laura WILL come to the rescue). W.I.T.H? i am stuck on her but at the same time i'm like bump it.

interesting things keep happening with the whole situation... random text messages!

outside of that we're preparing for gustov on my side. he's supposed to be a really nasty hurricane with some strong winds and plenty of rain. we're on the back side of it so we won't be getting the worse of it's wrath and i hope that everybody comes out well when it's all over. It is hurricane season! so, with all this warm water these storms just can't help them selves. i'm pretty bored, but this cough is keeping me busy, because i have to try to keep it under control. momma G is too worried but i appreciate it. i need to get out the house and do something and my home gurl wanted to see tropic thunder so i might do that tomorrow... maybe! then, again... maybe not. I'm kinda hungry and i want some tea so i think i'm about to go take care of that.

mischief introduced me to her sister, grief

mischief is my wife to be if i keep traveling this street
i cheat on her with my conscience but it provokes my longing
my longing for all or someone because i deserve more than a piece
and mischief introduced me to grief her bigger sister
my emotions are raging inside me like a churning twister
quicker, though i hope not, i'm sure the flame will flicker
... see, that's where it gets deep even a lil sicker
it may flicker and be out in a wink just like a match
a forest fire may flicker and burn for acres unchecked...
as long as i don't get burned who am i not to play with fire
my winning or loosing will sure come down to the wire
damn... time has expired and the sun sets on my day
but if i'm lucky enough my reach is not limited by the grave
saved only by his grace, i live by those words
instead of doing this alone i should have asked him first

throwback friendships

i miss elementary school when matt hales and i were inseperable and we were too cool for our own well being. if he went somewhere i was there and if i went somewhere he was there. then, he and i used to hang out with dejara jones and be cracking up all day long about how we was gonna set manina's (forgot her last name) dog up because she swore up and down she was gonna sick em on us. the reason whe was mad at us is because we called her dumb for getting caught cheating on a vocabulary quiz but we were just joking... then i've always been cool with kelli foster we went to school together from kindergartend till we graduated high school and now she's at spelman doing her than. me and nick anthony used to wild out in elementary school like nobody's business but we were good kids though. then in 6 grade i met sam (super man/spanky) davis who was a year older than me and kinda took me under his wing and was real cool peeps. i used to be really tight with patricia crapster, caitlin ann thompson, Genlicia edwards, Rico bumpers, Paul wilson, Kellend williams, zachary lucas, jade cunningham, sonya reyes, demetrius hendrix, and so many others that it wasn't even funny and i kinda just cruised throught that then i got to high school and met myea rice... muscles... ol crazy ass. I met arlesia malone in 9th grade but didn't actually talk to her until summer before 11th grade. antoinette james, no relation, was my poetry buddy and we used to go back and fourth but i always felt she had doper material. then i met my ace lb... we was glued to each other from then on. jared haynes and ricky rivers was cool people. then there was daniel more, and quinton beasley who was low lives like me. and then i sold cd's to a gang of folks... maybe i didn't (feds might be reading)... i know i'm missing some but i just thought about this... and june bug don't count because he is def my lil brother and we don't say we friends no more... we blood... it be that way some times... that line kills me the way that he uses it... i guess i'll try to update this list as they come to me... but i'm tapped for the moment!

keep on pushing...

couldn't go to sleep last night and i don't really know why... i was definitely tired enough! i stayed up all night wondering about whether or not i was going to cut my hair. i know i'm over due for at least a line up on both the hair on my head and my facial hair. then i thought maybe i'd try to go a year without a hair cut but i know i would want to get it cut way before a year is up. i' might go tomorrow because i have to find a job. i would like to get one on campus but i'm not sure if that'll work. i have no classes on tuesday and only one lab on thursday my day starts at 10'10 am and ends at 3'20 mwf's and i believe that to be a decent schedule seeing that there were hardly any classes open! now that it's too late for me to actually go to sleep i wonder... just maybe... if i'm going to take things more serioius this year? i mean, there's no class that i can't make an a in if i applied my self and worked to my potential and thats a fact. the thing is what will motivate me to do so? second to my grades i think i'm going to do a lot of working out this year because south's baseball team is pretty good so the gym is like state of the art and all that good stuff and south has a pool! i don't think many people at cu have acutally seen me in the water so i think that the lil fitness nuts would actually be shocked at my aqautic abilities. i love to swim and i couldn't see my self not starting there to get in shape... it works your entire body from your neck to your ankles... even the toes if you do it right! your longs can grow stronger and bigger, your mucles longer and leaner, and you can learn to focus your mind all while enjoying a swim. i've also given it a lot of thought and i've come to the conclusion that it's a wrap on the whole sundae situation. i've come to the conclusion that we'll make good friends and be cool forever and all that good stuff but even if this (whatever it was) happened again and she was really fell for mre i don't think it would be wise to pursue it. Time is definitely a great teacher and i think i'm starting to learn my lessons though it is a little late. i don't mind the whole confusion and frustration but it's the longing for more that's the real problem... if you know all that you have then you don't have much, i heard that from a real life pimp. I think he was kinda right. it's so hard for me not to type sundae into my phone and press the green button but i've reviewed my call log and it wasn't there just now (progress, though it's small)... but we did text back and fourth saturday night and it was a weird ass convo... it started with a dream about her falling and i couldn't catch her... i woke up sweating. she must've have fallen a thousand times and no matter what i did i couldn't catch her. now i'm like oh well, but i bugged me for hours after i woke up. i guess the biggest thing is i wouldn't have thought i'd ever be here. i'd rather be skating on thin ice again laughing the night away with her, talking about what i'd do and all that good stuff that makes a dude smile when he's all by him self... but, as for now...

the slow dance of wisdom

... i can't remember a day when we were not together and no matter how much time passes we never have an uneventful day so to speak. he always wants to lead in every decision we have to make and i assure you his instincts are phenomenal! for the majority of the time i sit back and enjoy the ride and i love it...however, sometimes i have to make decisions because he just doesn't see the big picture. when its a big decision i let him react and then i assess the situation and we make a final decision that is best for the team. you see, he, the heart, can be overly passionate and its my, the mind, job to make sense of the situation and put things into perspective for the team. so i guess it's a slow dance. now keep in mind that we all were placed her and had nothing but our instincts and then our mind developed and we could begin to make better decisions. whether it was learned behaviors or instincts we modified to help fit our modern world we began to use the mind more and more as time went on. you can't have wisdom without experience and thats one of the facts of life. you do somethings that you'll blame the heart for, or you'll blame me for and that's the way the cookie crumbles but you make sure you learn from it so when you see it again you'll know what not to do. you don't always find out what to do, but i promise you'll find out what things not to do when it comes to life. learning what not to do by experience, and putting it into action in your life is what i call wisdom. If you see someone doing something that leads them to experience something that you want no part of then learn from their mistakes as well. you should let your vision wonder and not only be limited to your life because you don't live in a world alone! this whle life thing is a slow dance of wisdom, i'm sure of it! think about it in a slow dance you have to feel your partner out and learn their tendencies and then you have to learn to love their tendencies, both the good and the bad. Never forget to take your time also because the only place living things are guranteed to go to is where dead things already are and that's the cold hard truth yall... i don't wanna take up any more of your time cause it's too precious but remember to take your time and enjoy the music while you slow dance.

No huddle offense

it's pretty much a new beginning for me... nothing's going right and thats fine because i'm not the worrying type but i do feel like everything's out of order. i asked god a question a long time ago and i think i got my answer today. i asked what was it that i was supposed to be doing here on earth and i've interpreted the answer as to being come to me and i'll show you. the thing is i'm having the hardest time taking the first step. i'm not scared or anything like that but somethings holding me back. i guess i've always wanted to do things on my own but he has other plans and believe me when i tell you that my life has come to a screeching halt... maybe he was trying to get my attention earlier and i wasn't paying attention but i am now... i've literally let a lot of things go for now. anything that i wanted i have no desire for it, none! it's crazy because i told lb i'm done with women and he asked where did it all come from and i kinda gave him a slighted answer but he should read this in a morning (sup homie). it's time to listen to my father, do his will, and be happy to do it because i know that i won't have anything i desire until i do. and on top of that now that i look back i'm gonna tell yall a few things.

i've always...

1. been bright
2. been able to remember faces
3. been a natural leader
4. had a way with words
5. been able to brighten up a room
6. been looked up to by friends
7. been sought for advice
8. been able to speak and write really well

the more i thought about it the more i began to realize that god didn't give me these tools to be idol and do nothing with. and he didn't train me so well so that i could work the other team either... i guess it's an opening on the starting roster and he won't take no for an answer... i think when i die i wanna be able to say that i have absolutely no talent left and i've used my skills all up and passed my knowledge on to the next generation... i think that would be very pleasing to him from which all life flows...( and i'll try to remain as much of the doug yall love as he allows me to be)

hello to the one if

my homie deuce debonair got a beat that is sampled from lionel ritchie's hello song and it starts off like

" i've been along with you in side my mind
and in my dreams i've kissed your lips a thousand times
i sometimes see you pass outside my door.
Hello, is it me you're looking for..."

when it says that my verse starts and it's the answer to the question that he asks...

i woulda said yes, but our situation's different
when we aint talking on the phone it feels like something's missing
maybe i'm just pushing you away but i pray for the day when i can say
that i love and adore you, i still want some more of you
kinda like a buffet, but one of only sundae
wrestle, kiss, and play i'll do most of what you say
and all of what i feel, doubt nothing about these feelings that i feel
and i'm oh so for real like that group from the 90's
my motivations are more than just going for your undies
i know that i can be a dummy or even kinda bummy
but i swear i imagine you laying on my tummy
telling me about your day, and how things did not go your way
and me telling you that that's the way ...
it be some time ...
and though i don't like to press rewind i know it's not my time
but when it is i hope that i'll wanna say the same things i'm saying this day just like (like echoes three times)

and the beat comes back in saying hello. i meant it all but the last part is the only if there is to the whole situation.the beat is so smooth that i don't wanna come wack on it and my homies are forcing me to get it perfect for the album. then we got more songs in the work like southern summer time, and cocaine... i'm gonna have to take this serious because we have an album and a mixtape in production right now and i personally want them to be bumping in peoples ipods by november and i know we can make that happen. then i'm still trying to think of imaginative ways to make this comic thing work with an eye full of sand and i'm still wanting to put together a poetry book and a short story and i know that's kinda ambitious but to be hones i'm kinda inspired by p. diddy... the man doesn't sleep and he's a business version of the phrase "renassaince man" which basically means someone who is good at everything that he does... i know i have the potential to be like that but i haven't been pushed hard enough... BY ME.. no one else can make me work to my potential and if i wanna life the luxurious life that i have in my head then the grind starts right here and right now... i don't have to be president of the world to help my country i can do it in other ways and the more i watch the political race that's going on now the less i want people putting my family in front of the lens so i might not dow it but i do want to be a lawyer still and i think it'll be cool because i know i can still do what it is that i really have a passion for and thats helping people... and i think i know what i want for real. i want a woman who is beautiful, smart, hard-working, witty, has a good sense of humor, chases her dreams, believes in god, and wants me as much as i want her... i think thats about it.

"ka-boom"

thurday night i was chilling with dungeon royalty and yall better believe we got some hot songs in development for yall to enjoy. deuce debonair (producer) is killing the beats like never before, he's got his own flavor and you can't help but respect the man's skills. anyway, we been spitting in the cypher and we been laying down tracks for the album and the mixtape... i got one song and it's unoffial title is "sundae talk" aka "chocolate silk and vanila moons" (lb calls it that). it's hard to record a track just right where you will get your audience to feel what you feel and get all the emotion and what not into a track. the one time i got it right, lb and duece was laughing and i stopped because i know the mic picked it up... i wasn't even mad, i was just tired for real. i don't know how many songs i'ma be on but i know that mob-illie of port city is killing it from now on. i guess i'ma get the spitters together from claflin and put a mixtape together called "cu spitting" i think it has potential as long as max is on it. thursday me and lb got jumped by two particular people and i don't wanna say no names but they did not show they're faces fri because lb told them that he was gonna puch em right in they face and i said i was gonna drown them i a 2 and 1/2 foot inflatable pool. i seriously had no energy to fight back. then... when i called up a certain someone else they said they wouldn't help me out either. aint that bout a trick, i couldn't get good back up to save my life thurday! thanks a lot! but naw for real, i had fun. Fri, i didn't do much but i remember going to the mall, starbucks, and lb house again. trying to lay down some tracks meeting some new, interesting people... big greg, deuce, and seeing killer cam, ezra (tray), and some chick who quickly broke my golden rule: thou shall not invade doug's personal space! but it's cool cause i let her have her moment but when it was over i had to let her know not to touch me... lb was waiting for me to say something because he was laughing the whole time she was touching me and my face had to be doing something cause he was cracking up on the sofa.

the whole sundae situation is still kinda bugging me but not in a bad way. the decions have been made and all that stuff and i'm like whatever at this point because i think everybody who reads my blog know whats up... but i got a text message thurday night that just like put me on cruise control to everything around me and thats all i could really think about... where i'll always return to, i could infer why you'd wanna be there but don't tell me things like that if you don't mean it homie. i can't even listen to stuff like that and believe it cause i know i'll end up in a psych ward or something. so as a result of you not being able to trust the thing that sustains your being alive i'm just living and doing me and i hope you do the same.

i never liked novacaine

what i don't want... hmm, i guess is to go numb. think about it yall, for those of you who know me, what if i was a numb person, like feeling wise. what if i only laughed out because someone else was experiencing something bad? what if people spoke to me and i didn't speak back or even acknowledged them? what if i did what most niggers do, get girls to have sex with me and then toss them aside? what if i always asked for stuff as opposed to working hard to earn it? what if peopole said no and i took what i wanted? what if people asked me for help and i gave them none... see what i'm getting at? i have a lot that i think about because i've thought about being the person most people would consider the asshole. thought about it but won't do it... better yet i can't do it. It's not my role to play. i always think to myself what is it that i'm supposed to be doing here on earth. i mean if i were another person, what would i see in Doug j.? how am i perceived by others... i'd really like to hear the worse of the worse first though because i know that i have work to do as far as improving on me. i don't deny it but i'm cool with it because i know i'm human. then i'd like to hear from the people who talk to me the most. i wanna know who thinks i'm cool and who doesn't. all of that plays through my head. i can't tell you how many times i see my self strolling through the kitchen in my home, telling my kids to stop running as they whiz by me, and saying something sweet (in my own crazy way) as i pour a glass of orange juice for myself. the thing is i'll never get to that point if i go numb... i'm just sure of it... (whistles a lil tune that's made up on the fly)

yall tell me what does a river, a torch, and i have in common? think before you answer (leaving it to your imaginations is more of a mind stimulation).

tuesday

had a good time yesterday! i slept until i felt like waking up. i ate something but it was light (don't quite remember what). then i got a call asking if i were home... of course! so i scooped up by the two wives and we went to the mall so that they could go bikini shopping. I was the dude who they modeled for but it was kinda boring sitting in that chair for 20 mins. but it paid off... anyway we went around the mall looking for... well, i don't really know but we spent like 4 hours in the mall. we got some lil fruit smoothies and we was all holding hands, it was kinda funny. girls in the mall were looking at me like how the hell this dude got two girls and it was kinda funny because one girl gave me a look like i could be the trey on your line! we finally left there and came back to the house and no one was home but my dad. so they stayed for a lil bit then they jetted... g is the lil debbie fiend! i don't think i like her like that anymore... the whole time yesterday was happening i just didn't feel like this would be cool if i we were anything but friends. i guess i just gotta find that one i can't live without and can't be friends with. i'm not really looking but i woulnd't mind bumping into her. i could be someone i already know or someone i don't... it doesn't really matter.

AND...

by all means, do you!

you were born an original so don't die a copy-- shay mcphail

i don't plan to! so whats up with me being me when it looks so damn cool to be everyone else? i'll tell you and i hope you understand it. when they say that the grass looks greener on the other side they mean it, it just looks that way. Might even be better some of the time, however, it might give you diarrhea, heart burn, and it might even make you just throw it all back up. you have to do what works for you and no one else. for all your effort you put in trying to do what you see and not what you feel, you'll spend twice as much time regretting it. i wear a size 13 1/2 and even though i think 10's look cool they just don't fit so i don't trip on what is because i want it to be different...

what i mean is, i want her but i can't have her... pt 2... that's what i mean

"seeking brings about answers, waiting brings about solutions"--LeBaron Thornton

my homie had this as his fb status and i couldn't help but (i would say sleep on it but i haven't been able to) ponder this phrase. the more i thought about it the more i wanted to take it and make it my own lil phrase. you see, i'm one of those people who wants the specifics so that i can know and not guess. they don't lie when they say that assumptions are the mothers of all fuk ups... i don't assume much but i infer sometimes. then, when something starts to bug me i just ask. and that's where the seeking brings about answers part comes in. the thing is people only give you the answers they're comfortable with giving you. if they don't feel like telling you the truth they won't do it. not saying they will lie but they will try to get around answering it. and i myself notice these things and i either tell them that i understand or play dumb like i took the bait... it depends on the situation at hand. however, i hate not knowing. i hate when people are indecisive because i've been known to tell truths that are hard for people to accept, like, or to understand how it is what it is. sometimes i'd rather just not address the situations but that makes it fester in my mind and i end up approaching the situation with the wrong... tone... if you will. a great guy named ronnie rice told me once that tone is everything; how you talk to people will definitly affect how they respond to you. i took it to heart because i respect his work ethic and he's been to where i'm trying to go. the thing is, by nature, i'm a seeker. i research words to find hidden meanings, i analyze conversations looking for clues, and i replay actions in my head to come up with god knows what so that i can make sense of the people around me. i'm am so critical when things don't go my way. i don't think i'm better than anyone, but i pay attention to detail and i guess you could say that i impose my fantasy world's laws onto reality. a place where everthing is logical and needs no room for interpretations. and at the same times i speak in metaphors to myself while talking to others. when my mom asked me what did i want to eat today i said i could use a sundae... and she said something, and i was like i'm sure i wouldn't want anything else. but the fact is i see unappreciated keepers and that makes them all the more precious to me. first they are def keepers, then i see that they are not being treated accordingly and that shit does something to me and i be like i have to show them that all males are not men and that we're still out here. think what you want but when i like a girl she knows it and she feels it. i mean she'll never guess where i stand and she knows that affections waits. and while affection waits, i will not. one day i'll just wake up and they won't matter as much in that way because i guess my mind has a kill switch for poeple who doesn't see what it is that's happening. a lot of people think that there is only one true love out there for them but i don't think it's the case, i think anyone could love anyone else but they have to be pure and set what they want aside from what they need because what they need will turn out to be what they wanted. it's hard to communicate better than that because thats exzctly what i wanted to say. an example is when people say that they want money. instead they get what they need, which is to be broke for a while, so that when they get money they'll know what to do with it so that they won't be broke anymore... something like that anyway... as far as the waiting goes i don't do that very well. AT ALL because 9/10 i know what i want but i don't want to make anyone else uncomfortabe and when i see that they are i'll try to stop... and i've gotten better at that if you can believe that. however, my mind and my heart go to war on the daily! i don't even care anymore because i tend to either take action or don't... it's that simple. do yall seriously think that i'm a cool level headed guy... hahahahaha! my mind and my heart set booby traps for each other in hopes to assassinate the other and thats where the arguing and attacking goes on for the most part. between those two i be too spent to be rude and talk bad to others because i've done it so much to my self already and thats the way it is. i do all the arguin and fighting in me so that no one else has to ... i feel underappreciated a lot, but it's fine because people have to learn the hard way. in no way am i doing people favors by liking them but i do feel like i said in one of my earlier posts i'm one of the best to do it... and now i'm like fuck it again! and i don't know if i really wanna feel like that because i still like her but i can't free her, only she can. maybe there's nothing that she needs to be freed from but she knows better than anyone else. like i told you, i want you to be happy for ever and never be sad and have to cry a day again... word! so i guess i should wait for the solutions to come but i guess by moving so much they can't find me. lb might have me on this one! what do yall think about all of my thoughts... cause in my mind it's impeftectly perfect logic!

what i mean is, i want her but i can't have her... pt 1... that's what i mean

well, i haven't been to sleep yet and that could be a problem cause i got cam today! i just went through a lot of blog posts because i'm trying to think of something dope, i have titles in my head of all the things that were said, but instead of dope shit i get weakness instead... damn! who am i to force hotness? i'm telling writer's block to let it go cause i got this, at least i think i do! if this post was a mic, i know that i'd be trying to rock this, if it were a mixtape i'd want everyone to HAVE to tell they friends go coupe this (they pronounce it "cop" in da hood). madness? i should stop this? madness would be your girl cleaning my room topless... i had to. and i'm kinda glad dude, cause just a moment ago it was only bad news. now i know more, i guess timing was on my side. i drank enough liquor last night to leave an irish on his back side. try it, make it your new diet. i'm a fiend i need words like cars need tires. however, reading this post back most of my rhymes are elementary and maybe the whole theme is a lil slippery, but i don't care! cause when it come to doing things i don't think i just DARE.

you should dare also. while i'm daring, i don't think about who's caring cause actions speak louder than words, i guess you could say that mine are blaring; better yet daring. Daring to be heard, knowing they are unappreciated, and accepting they will fall into the right hands one day so they don't mind being inclusive rather then exclusive; given as gifts not figured to be elusive... like the theme of this post. if i'm your friend then the the best in the world, is what you could boast (in my mind but others might thin toast)... and that real! what i mean... what i mean, well what the hell is is that i mean? that's for you to guess and for me to disclose to those who are moved enough to keep in touch, who makes my mind and soul erupt... i guess being a bum allows me to often say to much.... to much... to much. burning with passion, i am! even though for the moment, i'm cold to the touch

i know you're out there somewhere

i'm not having a good day so far... I'm fucking depressed for the moment. i'm sad, i'm frustrated, i'm pissed, i'm a whole bunch of things that have negative connotations and this is where martin surfaces and i let him take over but fuck him and the horse that he rode in on! this gotta be like a nightmare or something but i know that it's not, and i really don't believe i'm in the matrix so... but at the same time i keep going through the same situation over and over again and it's crazy because when i say i know whats coming i really do. i just took the iniative and said it as opposeed to letting them make all of the moves this time.

easier said than done

i was supposed to stop talking to sudae in "that" way since summer school started... that was in june! now that august is upon me i find my self in a deeper whole than i started off in. this is the truth and i know i might say different... but, she matters! TONS! i don't want her to matter to me like that but she does. i don't wanna get hurt but i might. i don't wanna feel pain, but i'm probably going to. the thing is i know that it's nothing compared to what i've already endured. like lebron and kobe are beasts at basketball, i'm a beast at handling problems and emotions. so much so i often try and get my friends to vent to me because i know that i'll never get tired of hearing they're problems and trying my best to point them in the right direction. helping people is like trying to save a soul, you can't do it for them but you can put em on the right track...

question; who's gonna point me in the right direction? who's gonna listen to my problems? who's gonna never get tired of listening to me? to be honest i've always said things out loud to no one in particular but only parts of what i was saying actually came out of my mouth. that's why you might catch me staring through someone, the tv, or just off in space mouthing words like i'm possessed or something but i'm really talking to who ever it is that listens. now that i think about it, i'm really talking to god, i talk to him like i would one of my family members or my friends because i believe him to be both. i know that he has a sense of humor because i have one and i'm made in his image. i don't wanna get to far off track but i had to put that in

with any person that i think i might like, once i go for it i don't like to go backwards. if i start to go backwards that means that i went through the stress (sorry sundae but admit this one could cause a gray hair) and\ or efforts to make progress with that person and now i'm canceling it all out. THAT'S NOT WHAT'S HOT IN THE STREETS PEOPLE!!! i don't operate like that and i don't pretend to. so in my mind everyone works like that and i have to get out of that mind set because that's not the case. i want to know what that person is thinking because that eliminates all of the guess work. i'm willing to talk about everything because talking about stuff is half of getting situations resolved and not talking about em is just crazy. i don't like being left out of what you're thinking because if they ask me they know i'm gonna tell em what i'm thinking, or what i'm feeling and all that good stuff. no sense in feeling so much and not telling em that you are. some one told me that they wanted a guy just like me, but just not me... and that's the dumbest shit i ever heard in my life (no disrespect intended, but say it out loud and then tell me it passed the common sense test). so i guess what i'm getting at is that no matter what people say i repect actions over words 24-7... that's just what it is. i like this rollercoaster that i'm ridding but i care where i get off and how the ride ends... i think about it a lot and it's something that's a priority and not an option right now!

i was taking a shower earlier when i was trying to see how i could express my secret to my confidence to others and i think that i want to share my perspective on confidence with yall. To me, confidence is acknowledging that you are self conscience aboout certain things about your self but being cool with it because you know that the people... not the ones that matter to you... but the ones YOU MATTER TO will still like/love you anyway because they love you for who you are and not for what others hope or want you to become! if you can find peace with your self and love yourself and try to better your self slowly but surely you can't really go wrong and i try to reflect that when i talk to people... i know that i don't do and say the right things all the time and i'm no angel but i do think that i'm a person that can be respected by my peers, my elders, and those who are my junior. i'm trying to show the world one person, one way of life, one blog at a time... what are you doing?

An Eye Full of Sand

(time thinking to himself)
now that i've gotten old and gray my life decides to fall apart. you could call it karma but i don't believe in that. I think that it may be revenge or even money... more than likely, revenge. you see i'm an older guy who's watch his life pass him by while he was hard at work, Killing for money! not random killings either, i was the guy paid to make examples out of people. my work is both revered and despised. revered by anyone who wants to take up the trade and despised by all who doesn't have anything to do with the world it surrounds. when i was young and foolish i thought that people were more different than alike but as i've gotten older i've began to realize that we're all more alike than different. the most different thing about people is our methods... and our fingerprints. ha! they called me "time" because that's what i robbed people of! But this is just the surface, i made my biggest mistake the day before i became an assassin, and that's why i'm in the situaion i'm in now. most people work for some one, but i... i used to work for something! yea, it's crazy how it all started but i'm gonna make it really is simple how it's gonna end. I'm gonna do what i do best and kill it!

randomness

i was riding around my city with the chevy, disrespecting the silence because that's what's hot to me right now world. i do it quite often because i don't sleep that well when i'm at home (or anywhere else) but i'll sleep till the moon rises unless someone needs me to do something or wants me to chill with them and then i'll wake up and take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, and pick my hair out because i'm kinda growing my hair! i prefer to chill with people who are goofy like me, but you can actually have a good conversation with and they kinda know what's going on around them. Then, i love, i mean love, to chill with my fam because they do so much for me and remind me of why i need to work hard and achieve the most that i possibly can. I try to give the ones younger than me someone to look up to and i always tell them that they can do anything they want to, just go for it! at the same time some of them say they wanna be like me and i tell them you're you, not me, and that i want them to be better than me in every way... i hope they listen. there's one that's like anaikan skywalker because his potential is enormous and i keep a keen eye on him because he's so much like me, but he wasn't raised like me. to be honest, he grew up around hustlers and thugs, amongst other things, and my sister didn't put him in his place like i think she should have. that's why he is the way he is. he'll give you his last if you need it and he's a nice guy when he wants to be but i just feel like he's gonna end up dead or in jail before he's 21! he's 16... i hope that's not the case yall. he used to build the most creative things you can imagine with a bucket of legos and i think... he even built a scaled down version of the mansion he wanted when he was like 11. i was sure that he was going to go into engineering or architecture... but i don't know what's he's gonna do now. anyway, time will tell.

"I love you,i'll never let you go"

I came up with this little story right before my senior year in high school and during that time i was just experiencing a lot and i thought i was gonna die if things didn't turn out my way and i wrote dozens of poems, stories, thoughts and all that good stuff but i liked this one... i can't find the original but this rewrite should be really close... here goes

an older guy had decided that he would surprise his wife and do something different this night so he packed a blanket and a bottle of wine into the truck. he then asked his wife to take a drive with him and of course she said that she would. he drove a familiar route to one of their old get away spots high onto the mountain. when he arrived at the spot he spread the blanket on the hood of the car and helped his wife onto it and uncorked the wine and poured two cups... the view was breath taking! the city was like little christmas lights upon a beautiful black canvas. The moon hid itself from view that night but that just gave the starts an opportunity to shine brighter than usual and they did just that. now they were talking and reminiscing on the bluff of this mountain when a terrible chain of events began... the truck's breaks stopped working and the man wasn't as quick as he had been in his youth so he couldn't stop the truck and his wife definitely was brave and jumped from the hood. however she rolled about an inch to far and rolled right over the edge of the cliff but the man lept forward and barely caught her wrist. he was sliding forward and couldn't really stop himself. he tried to tell his wife that everything would be alright but his eyes betrayed him to the highest degree. the wife smiled the same smile that had captured the man's heart in high school and asked
"do you remember our first kiss honey?"
and the man replied "yes, it was at the drive in and i told you that i loved you , and that i'd never let you go"
as he said this he slid forward and half of is body was over the cliff and the situation that was already bad had gotten so much worse in a matter of moments.
she asked "and do you remember the day that we were married?
he answered yes "i told you that i'd love you for all eternity and that i'd never let you go"
no matter how hard the man tried he could not pull his wife back up to him no matter how hard he tried
and she said with tears streaming down her face "i love you, u know this, but this time you have to let me go"

moving mountains

ever thought about doing something and you just didn't think you could do it? something that meant a lot to you but maybe no one else could see what you could? Then, you think how the hell will i move this mountain? i will tell you but it's common sense. You do it the same way you do anything else... pick a starting point and start moving. If you've ever done something hard or tedious you know that as you go along you'll try different methods of working until you find one that works the best for you and thats how you move mountains. But here comes the twist... as you know life always has these... now that you've started to move this mountain and you see that it will be no easy task you might start wondering why you're working your self to death trying to get this task completed. it all comes down to if you believe that the work you're doing is worth the results you're working towards. Let's say that you decide that the work is worth the work that you've put in... what's really on the other side of the mountain? What is it that's driving you to move something that? Time is constant yet relative... will what ever you were working so hard to get to still be there when you look up one day and that mountain is no more? thats something you need to consider. have you ever thought that the mountain you were moving was one of those rare things in nature that captivated what ever it was that you were trying to get to? what i really want you to think about is whether you'd mind if all of your efforts go unrewarded will it change the person you are?

[Fam]tastic Day

i spent the past day with my lil nephew cameron... aka killer cam... aka taz. my brother asked me to babysit sunday night and of course i told him i would because he gives me everything i ask for and then some. I was awakend by my bro ddwayne (wayne) asking me if i wanted him to put cam in the bed with me at around 7am and i said yes because i knew that cam would wake me up when he woke up. i was wrong, i woke up at 9am and he was just lying there staring at me with those sincere eyes of his. he's two years old, and he'll be three in december. he can speak very well for his age and seems to be a bright lil guy and that makes me happy because i'm kinda bright my self... anyway, the first thing i asked him was if he had to use the restroom and of course he did. we did that and then i fixed him some strawberry oat meal and i gave him a lil bit of coffee... i always give him coffee even though i know he doesn't need it. he didn't wanna take a shower or a bath so i left him watching tv on the couch while i did (he can take care of him self and he will listen if you tell him to do something... like sit on the and don't move) so we got dresed for the day... i had every intention of going to my homie laura's grand mother's funeral but it just did not happen and thats the way life happens sometimes. we ended up going to my aunt ruth's house to see how she was doing and she was doing fine. She hasn't seen cam in months as was surprised at how much he had grown (as was i when i got back in may from claflin). My cousins were home gloria, and her oldest daughter toya was home. toya had jasmine (hope thats how she spells it) with her and she's so cute... she looks just like her momma and she's one of those happy babies who doesn't stop smiling and laughing and staring at you in your eyes. we left from down there and went to sherri's house and cam and kate, sherri's daughter played for like 2 hours straight. Toya came on over a little after me and we were all talking about my blog because they read it faithfully and were probably disappointed when they woke up because i was supposed to had done this around midnight..(((what's popping cuzins))).. we ordered pizza from papa john's but they ignored our order for 50 mins then called us to tell us they ignored our order for 50 mins and they weren't close to being busy. SO... MY CUZ SHERRI PROMPLY CANCELLED THAT ORDER, MADE SURE SHE DIDN'T GET CHARGED FOR IT, AND WE ATE CHINESE... the egg roles were dope as always. Cam ate til he couldn't, he had been eating junk all day and the chinese did not help... we came back to the house after that and about 20 mins later i took him home. He fell asleep in the car, i looked back at him at a red light and he was passed out slumped to the side breathing heavily... i took my time coming back to reflect on my day and ended up at starbucks where i ordered my usual vinti iced white mocha. the coffee was scorched but i didn't care because i don't get to have them often when i'm at school! While i was at my cousin sherri's house i got an interesting text...
it was made out to be nothing... but everything we say or do is based on some thought we're either fighting or embracing. Let that marinate folks. And i just wanna say that I'm pissed that the grass in my back yard is taller than me in some spots and my dad acts like it just got that way when i came home!

m.i.a.

i have to get some things straight... so it's deuces for now world!

it's really hard writing a song that you want to be right but i'm trying

i could tell you all a story
one, that you would not believe
she said it was autmn
she could tell by the color of the leaves
they whispered of the change to come
i had no idea it was for me
i tried to fight the feelings
but they washed over me


to be continued

Life is a real beach

I know that you think i misspelled the word but i really didn't... i went to the beach with my brother and his gf, ashley, and my nephew cameron... aka killer cam! We're over here in gulf breeze, fl and we've had quite a day... we woke up around 9 and went to the beach and played out there for hours... we swam out into the waves and let the salt water catch us off guard when it hit us in the mouth. we would go into the water right where we could barely stand and just jump when the waves got close enough. the sun was half behind the clouds which meant that it wasn't hurting our eyes and there was very little, but mostly no wind and thats a good thing. HOWEVER, the jelly fish were out in full force... we kept bumping into schools of them and running. they were swimming swiftly through the shallow waters. But it was cool. I covered most of my body in sand and was trying to do that captain morgan pose but the waves kept pushing me over so i just stopped trying! My hair curled up, like a bad s-curl or something... but all in all i had fun. Then me and my brother took our tied compadres back to the hotel and we went to chili's and i had ribs, a burger, chips and salsa, and black berry tea... my bro had egg rolls, chicken tenders, and blackberry tea as well... and we stuffed and went back to the telly for a nap. Then we all went down to the pool so that my brother could get his "money's worth"... and he was hell bent on everybody getting in the water so we didn't wanna murder him so we all got wet again. now we back in the room and they looking for the diretions to walmart... and i'm on the phone with Sundae!
Sundae!
Sundae!
Sundae!
i guess i'm going to walmart with the gang... holler at yall later world. Deuces

home run

how many of you watch baseball? well i really don't but i've seen my friends pitch a couple of pretty interesting pitches but my favorite is the curve ball. a lot of people say that you can't see around the curve but tell that to the guy who does... what i mean is this. the curve ball is my favorite because just when you think that it's not in the strike zone it will come zooming back in from any and every angle and past right over the plate... it can drop into the strike zone, it can curve into the strike zone form either the left or the right. it's a work of art if you can manage to have control of it. fast or slow it's just effective... UNLESS, there is a batter who knows just what the pitcher knows. that batter knows that you don't try to see where the ball is going, it's where it comes from, because the point of origin is what really matters, and you only have so much time to determine if it's a good pitch or not and even less time to determine if you should even swing... but those few who have it down can hit home runs everytime... Home run, i like the sound of that. It's a real momentum shifter, no matter what the game looks like at any point, a home run provides hope for those who need it and you never know when it's going to happen. you just look forward to a glimpse of a real life home run!

1st place goes to Dougie

just got off the phone with sundae and i'm feeling like there's no way to win! however, when there's a will there's a way, and i am willing to wager that all of my life i've been willing to make others happy. I'm starting down a road where i won't go back on my word... now i know that you may be thinking "well, what's your word this time?" my words are: i'm going to try and make me happy. this isn't the most certain decision i've ever made but i have to look my self in the mirror and i don't want to be one of the many people who do that and see someone they don't recognize any more. It would have been easy to walk away from this entire situation and just chalked it up to me being too damn friendly, but it's not that. It's something more than that... at least it is to me! That's all that matters (well not completely). i ask questions that do not require answers because i just want you to think and ponder because that's how i spend all of my day. i try to block her out but to no avail and that's part of why i like her so much. She is the reason why i've made my mind up to worry about Douglas Martin James first. The guy who has decided to be his own Douglas, as opposed to trying to live up to my fathers' name; the guy who has decided to aim high so that even if he fails it won't be bad because he knew it was a high target to hit from the beginning; the Man who chose not to let the one thing that makes him the happiest right now go without even fighting for it! I've chosen to try to be the guy that makes you grin when you think of something i've said, that makes you smile when you here my voice, that makes you never want to get of the phone, that makes you want to take road trips to Mobile, the Man that makes you happy! All i can do is try, and u know my motto: Do you! If i'm not him, i'll be elated for you when you do meet him or when he finally realizes your worth... either way, I'll still be your dougie. yea, i'm kinda putting me out there and it's quite relieving! I have a freeze frame of her smile in my head and that's what comes to mind when someone says her name or my phone rings and jay-z's "i know" plays...

oh boy

i know i don't make things easy, but admit it's been cool
we speak about wagers, but i wouldn't wanna loose you
we keep discussing the obvious, do you agree? true
so i've been thinking that even though there is history, nothing should be between me and you

i'm willing to pay the stated price, it's a bargain at the most
because if they really knew your worth, they would have never let you go
how would telling him go? i really don't know?
i'm thinking he might not like it, but AND...SO!

i woke up this morning, with a smile on my face

to what do i owe this feeling, not a though or it's trace

maybe i know the answer, but i didn't want to say

3 scoops, some toppings, it must've been sundae

lost

well world, lately i can't focus and i'm just not caring like i used to. This is not good because it's affecting my school work, social life, and family life. I just don't care, i need to sit down and examine what's wrong. I started bugging me last night because i was talking to sundae and up until last night i thought that if i had a girlfriend that'll make everything better but that's really not it. i think i'm supposed to be learning a life lesson and i don't know if i'm getting it. i don't think i've done anything to deserve a downfall just yet plus i'm not "high" in life so i wouldn't fall far anyway. the fact that i'm acknowledging something's wrong is the first step. i'm a sophmore in college and i want to be a lawyer but at the rate i'm going i don't think i'm gonna make it... i might need to switch my major to biology or something. don't get it twisted i still wanna work with my state's government and get shit together in Mobile, Al and move on to bigger and bettter things, but right now i have to help my self. or maybe, if i just started helping others that'll help me help my self... i'm lost and i need a light to follow. But just because there is a light doesn't mean it's a good one to follow so i have to be careful... God help me now!

if i could i would

i'd would definitly rip my heart out right now and leave it in my foot locker right now... like davey jones from pirates of the caribbean! What irony, the thing that physically sustains your life hurts you the most... aint that a bitch! no, really, it is!

Had to be the worse sunday in history for me so far

My friend sundae and i have broken up again, even though we never went together and i think it's really over this time. In the last two weeks we've broken up three times. we keep asking each other questions we didn't want to know the answer to but we wanted the other party to know what it was that we were thinking though. WELL, last night we started answering some of those questions and the answers were straight but just not conducive to progress between us two. i'm at the point where things are not looking up and they're not looking down but i really do want more. And on top of the fact that she's cute as hell, she's quite intelligent with a serious work ethic. what more could a guy really want? For my few close friends who really know me, they know i won't even seriously talk to a girl unless she's something really special... and the fact that she's letting a big "what if" stop her is mind boggling to me. *** I acknowledge that the situation is very complex*** however, we could easily get this whole thing resolved with just one more question... "do you mind if...?" thats all it would take and it would be like a yes or no type situation. I'm bout to cry (not really but i am very sad and disappointed and frustrated, and all those emotions that come with a break up...even though i haven't had a relationship with a soul to be having a break up...(curse words yelled emphatically here)). but her and i breaking up isn't even the whole thing. one of my aunts died this past weekend from a heart attack... yep, i know right! If i had an ounce of coke i'd probably od right now! I have to try to keep all of this comical in my head because if i don't handle these situations this way i'll probably break down and cry for real! Not saying that there's anything wrong with crying, it's just the fact that this is final week in summer school and i have some studying to do and i have work to make up because i'm a sickly child (wink)! Just pray a prayer for me if you read this world, and pray one for my family too. Thanks in advance!

nothing into something

i don't know what to type to day yall, so i'm just winging it. i have nothing that's just jumping outta my head but i didn't wanna neglect my blog any longer; basically i just wanted to post something, even if it had no substance and that's exactly what this is... I should be in columbia by the fourth and back in oburg during the fourth so i can go party with them oh so pretty boys of kappa alpha psi! Yo. just wanted to give them boys a shout out... cause they always throw some party where the girlies come half naked and who can really be mad at that... i don't want em, i just want a dance from em! There will probably be some nupe juice in circulation and bet money that my tounge won't be red. anyway, i don't know what we're going to do in columbia i just know my homie was like let's take a trip and i was like keep me posted so i could be ready... he was gonna do it next weekend but i'd probably be gone already plus he has things to do also, so he was like we could probably do it thursday... (Sundae... What's really good? i know your prior engagement but can u make time for a true G?) Hopefully i'll see a friend and hopefully i'll see someone brand new (colts quarterback) and that would be cool too. Well, i gotta go do a whole lot of nothing or maybe a little bit of something... i might take a nap real talk! well world... be easy and never let no one do you sleezy! i know that was corny but what are you really gonna do about it? exactly!

plea bargain

sorry wold, this is not for you... it's just directed to her past

I ask that you trust me not to do the same things that made her heart hurt in the past...she says i'm different so trust her judgment and relinquish her! i won't even get into my fancy metaphors and logic. It's Douglas being plain and honest. I WANT HER AND I'LL FIGHT YOU FOR HER!!

?

i remember when it happened
i took a running start, never even thought about jumping and i lept from the empire state building. I decided that if i lept foward and flipped backwards that the shooting star press would definitely be a sight for anyone who was watching. i yelled like a kid, but not one of fear, i was thrilled and delighted that i had been brave enough to go through with the whole arrangement...and as i grew my wings to fly away she called my name in concern. it was right at that moment that i lost focus and i crashed through an office building's window. the people looked at me with a face that told me that my injuries were worse than anything that i would have thought of... i lay a crumbled version of my newly winged self. my first thought was to ask god for forgiveness for anything i'd done wrong and the second thought is my family will miss me to death... i didn't think any more. i told those in attendence of my crash the following: tell the woman who comes looking for me that i'm damaged goods and ask her if she would still want me... if she replies yes, tell her that i'll always be in her heart and tell her to just do her and to live with no regrets! i fell into eternal sleep with a smile that not even the greatest mind in history would never understand because i my self don't know what it is she did to me!

I choose

i choose to be me, and that my friends is crazy to the rest of the world. people love to just point out when there is something that is strange to them around them. in our society ( i live in the south east of the united states) there is a lot of conforming going on and my mother just didn't raise that type of guy...i'm sorry i let you puppeteers down so much. Siiiiiikkkkkkkkeeeeeeee! But i love it when i see people who are not afraid to be their selves just go about life enjoying what they will and just doing them. it's a beautiful thing to be able to be your self and not let what other people say change you. you should only change when you see fit,

just had a thought cause someone said something
God gave his children the ability to be what they want to be and do what they want to do... that means you could be a rich bum if thats what you wanted... the only blessing god kept from us is... peace. that means you could be the richest person in the world and have pleasure beating your door down and still not be happy... pause and reflect on dem apples people!!

now i forgot how the beginning was supposed to go... but yea, just think about it!

a round of applause

i am offically encouraging the entire universe to give her a round of applause... this is where that guy usually emerges and jus does some sarcasm but who really cares that things didn't go my way?
Matter is neither created nor destroyed only transformed, so the term damaged goods mean that sometthing has had a part of itself transformed into something else correct? as people we're constantly becoming memories, and thats where all of our time is going... into becoming memories. you can't control what other people do but you can control how they affect you! There's only one excetption to that rule, and that is when...

All in, i don't bluff very well

i'm typing this again cause the computer cut off... so it went something like this

I feel like she deserves the best that's why i'm typing this. I feel that i'm the cream of the crop and that could be take as cocky but i don't see it that way at all. i just believe that my confidence is where it should be and most guy's confidence isn't. i'm going to be me every day all day and that's hard to come by in itself. but this isn't about me... it's a bout this girl i know who started off as a friend of a friend, then we exchanged numbers and started talking just the two of us, our friendship grew and then we started flirting at the given oppourtunity, and then i started thinking to my self... where is this going? Do i like her? way more than i thought i did...i treat the women i like like queens, and there will never be a point where they will feel unappreciated. while i don't want to make it an all or nothing situation i just want you to know that i want more! friendships are something that i'm willing to weigh against eternal bliss. i've learned my lesson about falling for a good friend but if all goes well who's to say what could happen? i honestly don't believe she wants a relationship with me but can i read her mind and know whats on it? no! i don't mean to be so doubful but i can't help my self from thinking it and thats just the way the chips fall... yall should see what i see and then maybe you'd understand why i feel the way i do!

the original i don't bluff very well

at this point in my life i'd rather go for broke than to just be a good friend for a long amount of time and then get shot down a year later. Why? cause i don did that before and it only hurts worse when you wait...not saying that you should just act on a whim, but i'm sure she lives up to the hype! she's a keeper, whether she knows it or not! i think that it's the past that is deterring her from the future and i respect that but at the same time it's affecting me. what can i say? i'm human. i will not pull the you have to choose card because first i'm not that type of dude and secondly that's not fair. life is already not fair enough and why should i make it that much harder for her... a young lady who deserves the best. that's kinda why i'm actually interested in her, because i feel like i'm one of the few who actually know how to treat women! that doesn't make me cocky that makes me conscience of how i am towards women i respect/like that's just how i think about it! will i die if things don't go my way no, but i will be disappointed for a sec then i'm going to have to keep it moving because thats the way the chips fall sometimes! we started out as friends of a friend, then we started talking to each other on the phone, then we started flirting at given oppertunities, now i feel like we should be together! oh well, let me know if you know someone who gets everything they want!