easier said than done

i was supposed to stop talking to sudae in "that" way since summer school started... that was in june! now that august is upon me i find my self in a deeper whole than i started off in. this is the truth and i know i might say different... but, she matters! TONS! i don't want her to matter to me like that but she does. i don't wanna get hurt but i might. i don't wanna feel pain, but i'm probably going to. the thing is i know that it's nothing compared to what i've already endured. like lebron and kobe are beasts at basketball, i'm a beast at handling problems and emotions. so much so i often try and get my friends to vent to me because i know that i'll never get tired of hearing they're problems and trying my best to point them in the right direction. helping people is like trying to save a soul, you can't do it for them but you can put em on the right track...

question; who's gonna point me in the right direction? who's gonna listen to my problems? who's gonna never get tired of listening to me? to be honest i've always said things out loud to no one in particular but only parts of what i was saying actually came out of my mouth. that's why you might catch me staring through someone, the tv, or just off in space mouthing words like i'm possessed or something but i'm really talking to who ever it is that listens. now that i think about it, i'm really talking to god, i talk to him like i would one of my family members or my friends because i believe him to be both. i know that he has a sense of humor because i have one and i'm made in his image. i don't wanna get to far off track but i had to put that in

with any person that i think i might like, once i go for it i don't like to go backwards. if i start to go backwards that means that i went through the stress (sorry sundae but admit this one could cause a gray hair) and\ or efforts to make progress with that person and now i'm canceling it all out. THAT'S NOT WHAT'S HOT IN THE STREETS PEOPLE!!! i don't operate like that and i don't pretend to. so in my mind everyone works like that and i have to get out of that mind set because that's not the case. i want to know what that person is thinking because that eliminates all of the guess work. i'm willing to talk about everything because talking about stuff is half of getting situations resolved and not talking about em is just crazy. i don't like being left out of what you're thinking because if they ask me they know i'm gonna tell em what i'm thinking, or what i'm feeling and all that good stuff. no sense in feeling so much and not telling em that you are. some one told me that they wanted a guy just like me, but just not me... and that's the dumbest shit i ever heard in my life (no disrespect intended, but say it out loud and then tell me it passed the common sense test). so i guess what i'm getting at is that no matter what people say i repect actions over words 24-7... that's just what it is. i like this rollercoaster that i'm ridding but i care where i get off and how the ride ends... i think about it a lot and it's something that's a priority and not an option right now!

i was taking a shower earlier when i was trying to see how i could express my secret to my confidence to others and i think that i want to share my perspective on confidence with yall. To me, confidence is acknowledging that you are self conscience aboout certain things about your self but being cool with it because you know that the people... not the ones that matter to you... but the ones YOU MATTER TO will still like/love you anyway because they love you for who you are and not for what others hope or want you to become! if you can find peace with your self and love yourself and try to better your self slowly but surely you can't really go wrong and i try to reflect that when i talk to people... i know that i don't do and say the right things all the time and i'm no angel but i do think that i'm a person that can be respected by my peers, my elders, and those who are my junior. i'm trying to show the world one person, one way of life, one blog at a time... what are you doing?