nothing at all

i'm an exhibition of man's wickedness

a confirmation of our race's sickness

decedent of those bred out of spite

for endurance and might

to watch chicken scratch criminals stack wealth to new heights

i might

just summon the will like a subpoena

to irritate shit deep within like jalapeños

with my words as my gringos

take aim and never miss like a black out card in bingo

bank on what was like a casino

feast on what was reaped with my peeps to strengthen the pack like dingos

be who they point to when they ask "have you seen those...

...niggas over there?

chasing dreams and wife'n em

gang banging on ignorance, hate fighting em

all the wild, untamed, swagger jackers biting em

look in their eyes

i think that shit exciting em

i'm still trying to figure the shit that'll frighten em"

well i saw you looking, and head inkwell... blase... something

but what you trying to figure out don't exist...

it's nothing

parts of me

i used to be a scholar for them words...

what power in nouns, pronouns, adjectives, verbs, and adverbs.

they were just as much part of me as they were of speech.

conjunctions, prepositions, and interjections for elections,

they change the flow of life like blood flow to an erection.

correction comes with red ink just like lies come with group think

... i challenge each individual to think for themselves,

climb jacob's ladder instead of taking the stairs,

and instead of being brave enough to show the god in you,

petrification, results of being scared.

it's a horror show to see my people so

i wish these wicked images had a hell to which they could go

dragging the hate and bad intentions down with them

beneath our range of hearing

build a Utopian future upon ingenious engineering

so little time is the only thing i'm fearing

my god is so gracious

so forgiving

and generous when it comes to favor

dear, heavenly father

i just have one more wish

i pray through you son jesus the will and strength no never quit

and the focus to know that living for your will and not mine

will be paid with bliss.

TRUE!

heavenly bliss.

i take aim

hold breath with steady wrists

until my time is up and i'm done with this earthly

shit aint easy, even when all goes right

left the quill for the mic,

and since then something just aint felt right

i don't sleep well at night

i guess that was just the parts of speech

showing me how much i missed me.

i hope all of hell writes letters i never get

for all eternity

sulking bout how

they miss me how i missed me.

just a nigga

i've survived in places you can't believe

endured what your mind can't conceive

because i'm just a nigga

don't make money much

but changed they way the lived

revolutionized they way the build

grew food for the enemy upon baron fields

because i'm just a nigga

jump so high

run so fast

don't mean to brag

and if it makes you mad, do all in my power to make you laugh

because i'm just a nigga

the definition of king, queen, and being

geographically speaking jesus had to be the color of a coffee bean

hair like a sheep, kinda like my dreads

pray on my knees, thankful for where i'm at

unafraid to be scared

scared to not be great

and i've learned from all my mistakes

even learned more from all the world's hate

because i'm just nigga

and being a nigga you gotta giggle

instead of shedding those insignificant tears

aint nobody gonna stop judging you

and the stumbling blocks won't stop coming long as you here

but while you're here, both listen and hear

that after all these years of forging

being molded

i'm just a nigga for them to fear

but to my people and the ones i hold dear

look no further cause ya nigga right here

i'ma negus, didn't yall hear?

amongst man

though humble,

i mumble scripture that make the devil bumble

clash with ill will to summon heaven's thunder as an applause

that's why i never get struck by stars

i'm a galaxy with centripetal force that anchors bars

hotter than mars is my disposition towards ignorance

fail to,

don't recognize,

don't comply with failure

because that's surrendering, isn't it?

why do that when triple o-g-3 got my back

an o for son cause he took my place

one for the ghost, he forwards what i say

and one for my father, he provides the grace

what else do i need in such a hellish place?

you a galaxy too, let me explain what i penciled

when i say we galaxies, i mean we hold infinite potential

we so great, we could belittle things monumental.

it's all about confidence and manifesting those dreams in your mental.

find time to probe your own mind,

accept and deal with all things that tingle your spine.

good or bad

best or worse

cause you don't know they day, nor the hour

it's time to judge what you worth.

there's only two grades to be paid

heaven to live

and hell where agony awaits

fate's a debate

so do all that you can

signed sincerely,

His child amongst man

love doctor

i am the love doctor

proceed as prescribed

take one hand and place it on a thigh

caressing and gripping tenderly from behind

let's take our time

apply one kiss to the neck for the desired effect

don't be alarmed if things become wet

for the situation of now, it is proper

trust me, i'ma doctor

wait but don't hesitate for the right moment

curing all these symptoms has one key component

that's timing

i am punctual in this pursuit of perfection

and with ample skill

i administer injections of erections

sincere exhibitions of affection

so diligent in my studies

that tomorrow will bring conflict during self reflection

when the doctor is out it will be aggravating

my dissertation on my research will have her gravitating

we groove to our own vibe we be levitating

love making

bed breaking

call rejecting

abusing protection

body part flexing

muscle stretching

deep breath taking

toe curling

head shaking

at a lost for words

hours will merge

u and i will cease

we will come to be

we will come

we will come together

we will again

and again

and again

and again i ask forgiveness cause father we have sinned

medical ethics 101 : first, do no harm

but she dies, dies, and dies again

in the love doctor's arms

i am the love doctor

No Onions

well ladies and gentlemen, today is the day no onions is supposed to be started. "what's that", you ask??? no onions is a concept myself, lb, and st. hope have formed and are still forming for a hip hop mixtape. not rap, cause anybody can rap, but hip hop... but i'm too random to finish the post. just know that it'll be something on there for everybody

things will never be the same

so... what's good blog world? been thinking bout a lot of things latley. god, fam, health, bad habits... all that jazz. early sunday morning one of my uncles passed away and it's not bothering me nearly as much as it will saturday when i go down to florida and see the body in the casket. he was a member of kappa alpha psi, hold head nupe! lol. cool dude all around. if you ever needed anything he'd get it for you, not to mention his house is like a dream vacation spot.... game room, big open kitchen, lazy boys with the big screen. pond out back if you wanted to fish and he wasn't far from the beach. i didn't learn his real name until i was like 10 years old. we'd all call him uncle sunny. well, mardi gras is coming up and uncle sunny would always make his way back home for mardi gras. catch so many beads his neck would ache... sip some crown and coke and he'd always be ducked off somewhere taking a nap when there wasn't a parade. a couple years ago it was bay bruh, and a couple months before that it was aunt yvonne so you can see how mardi gras is feeling a lot different than it did say 5 years ago. but it's all good. a lot of the younger generations in my fam are having kids and taking them to the parades. it's kinda like tradition. mobile, al did mardi gras first and i'd like to think we did it right. famly oriented, nothing over the top... the adults can hit the clubs and after-parties along with all the balls and ceremonies that come with this time of year.

tonight i made a really tough choice and it really hurt to do so... i thought about it, and thought about it... went back and forth on the issue at hand and came to the conclusion that me and sundae just can't be friends. i really want to be her friend, but i can't. it's not satisfying and i've tried very hard not to be selfish. i completely understand what the situation is and i don't like it. i won't even pull a hollywood movie scene and make an ultimatum cause it's unfair and would strain the friendship. i think she'll take it the wrong way if i totally delete her from my friends on fb, but she's been hid... i don't see her in my feed, and she can't chat with me cause she's on that list with the dog wars and naruto people... i'm always off line to them. deleted her number from my phone and all the messages from my in and out boxes... i don't remember it so there will be no more calls/texts. i don't want to say good bye because i know she'll sound cool about it... might even be cool about it and it will only make me feel worse... on some cee lo type ish, i'd like to say i could imagine how she'd take this all but in all honesty i have no clue. she was the one exception to the foundation of the naked movement... but... not any more. it's not gonna be easy, because i've liked her for a while, lb and g say i love her and at this point i believe it. it aint gotta be easy, not many things worth much in life are easy, but this torch is being extinguished and i refuse to light it alone ever agin... naked

after time pt. 1

phase after phase
all you seeing is my growth
not the struggles i endure
not my past or its ghosts
mirror after mirror
all you see is skin deep
you don't know the ladder
you don't know the mountains
or it's grade that impedes me
time after time
all you witness is my smile
not the edges of the mask
i wear to hide it all
night aftet night
day after day
you don't see who i call on
or his mysterious ways
step after step
flap after flap
these wings are not my own
and i'm on my way to where i got them at
so puzzle after puzzle
and maze after maze
i hope that you wonder
and ponder the things i say
cause time after time
i find you on my mind
time after time
i want you to be mine
time after time
is unlimited
unlike time

my uncle died... i think i'm ok, don't really feel like blogging, but here i am. mlk day was a day of reflection and to see where i wana go with life. and i found my self thinking of her a lot. too many boppers not enough keepers. she one of them women you never get over just get distracted from... something gotta shake.

random select

i am exhausted, catching a cold, and hungry. i go to school 5 days a week this semester, get out by 12 3o though so thats a good thing. then i shoot over to the rec to do some cardio and depending on the day, light weights high repetition/heavy weights low repetition. i always end with shooting some bball though. yesterday i shot about 60 percent, today i shot about 10 because it was a heavy weights day... ishould have known better. i've fallen completely in love with my school mostly due to my mass comm. theory teacher and my german teacher... they cool as one can expect a professor to be. usa (university of south alabama) got women!!! seriously i had to change the order i did my work out today cause it was too man distractions in the weight room... they kept coming and kept smiling, and kept talking... and don't get me wrong i love to talk to gorgeous women, especially ones that looked like these looked, but when i go to the gym i actually focus and try to concentrate only on what i'm doing so i can get in and do what i'm supposed to be doing. i heard about haiti and i want to put together a benefit concert of some kind, usa got talent so i might get with the sga and all the orgs on campus and see who wants to participate so that we can do something... i saw some of the footage and it was terrible, i understand and witness what we have to deal with everyday in my neighborhood but i think haiti needs it more than us right now.
on to the crazy part of my life... i think i miss the conversation with her even though i know we are just friends and it's supposed to stay that way... don't this sound familiar? i'm not gonna even bore you with it, but i like her, don't know what to do. things aren't weird right now, don't want to make them that way either. being a friend isn't hard, being able to tell if things are weird or not is hard cause you never know how the person will take what you're saying. but i'm a communications major (new but i act like i been in it for forever) so we can talk about whatever it is...
i'd like to take spring break to atlanta this year to chill with the homie from claflin cause he graduated and work up there, plus possibly jump on a track with the daredevil
i wana spend the summer working in california with my aunt and uncle so i can make some change to blow for the fall (a ninja will need new clothes by then)
and i'm not going anywhere for labor day but i think i'ma fly up to the burg for homecoming weekend and catch the homies doing their thing on the stage. holla at some people i aint seen in a while... *deep sigh* deuces

naked is a movement

12-16-09 i decided to get naked. naked has nothing to do with clothing or sex. it's a mindset/belief system more than anything else. if you are naked you won't keep dead weight around you, whether it be your leg or your best friend if it holds you down or holds you back cut it off and keep moving towards your goals. naked people will not care what the world thinks because one will know that their opinions shouldn't make or break you. that person will also handle business and do everything he or she is supposed to do and complete that task with their best effort. there's nothing wrong with having fun but everything in moderation. because we are flawed beings, naked people won't worry about the small things that go wrong or the things they can not control because that comes with life. a naked person will not be negative or pessimistic;however, they will be realistic. last but not least a naked person will prioritize their life, god (or whoever you believe in) first then everything else. don't misunderstand me a naked person can care about anything and everything as deep as the next person but they will not care about others when it is not reciprocated.

now that i got that outta the way, i'm still at usa and there's nothing wrong with that. not looking forward to classes in the spring. switching my major to mass communications. writing and rapping more and more these days. i think i'm becoming more at ease of the situations between me and females. i don't have to like it but i can live with it. and because i can't change them i'm still looking for one where the feelings are mutual. i'm not the type of guy who haves sex with women because i can but i do think about it a lot these days. a true life cut friend, and i know a few candidates too who've already made offers. it's really not me and i hope it doesn't become me. the dreads are much longer so i guess i'll have to put up a new pic eventually.

just wrote this, haven't even went over it for real, goes with this india arie song


i'm not average either, and it was nice to meet ya
i hope that i can call you or even set date to see ya
more often than not
i meet women with no esteem in anything
especially when the subject is their self
and you might have the same luck with guys
who are about notches on their belt
not i, don't mistake me for that guy
with confidence i tell you i'm human
and if there is an us
i'll think about us with every action that i'm doing
and even though i make mistakes
i will also try to fix every one i make
i love to just be
being chill is just me
and i'd like you to know you can still move here
but know where ever you are is where i'll want to be

i wish it would rain

i know i aint talked to yall in a while, but hopefully that'll change. onto the reason i came, so it's been raining a lot in my city lately and i know it's hella early but something just struck me and i kinda penned this poem. it's rough and raw and i could have crafted it a thousand times better but i decided to leave it as is. it starts with a refrain but it's nontraditional in the fact that it's not consistent, nor is the length of the stanzas. so you could say it's totally free form i guess. i really don't know how to feel towards oblivious people, but i'm not upset with them. frustration has set in and efforts have been redirected. i've made a conscience effort to realize she's bad for me and act accordingly. crazy thing is, there seems to be some women out there who have been liking me all along and it's not like i was just dismissing them but i'd rather chase one i really like than many i don't. my approach is befriend first, and it never works out like that. i'm beginning to realize it's because once i'm a friend people really value that friendship, that's a feeling i can't even describe so i'm grateful on one hand but on the other i'm like wtf!... i'm having a lot of thoughts flood my mind, and few are nice enough to say (that's the frustration setting in, and i try not to lash out because these are my problems )... i guess i'll see ms. right on the 50 yard line or not at all... it's not a business it's a partnership. ask me how this blog is coherent and i couldn't explain it. anyway, kind of a poem called "i wish it would rain" enjoy. i guess this marks my official return

hoping it brings its friends
to distract me from you
the crash of the thunder
and lightning too
i wish it would rain

for the clouds to come together
and give me some hope
i wouldn't care about my shirt
because it's already soaked
i wish it would rain

if my hair got wet and lost its perfection
i would appreciate the pouring rain
as a metaphor for your affection
so i wish it would rain

even if it's just from you
to hide the pain
to wash the tears from my face
i wish it would rain

no matter how dark it gets
and how hard the wind blows
i wish it would rain
to wash the pain from my soul

i'll edit this soon

hmmm... i'll edit this blog later, but for now just soak in the poem... if it's that

today someone called me strange
i replied you must have meant changed.
short- to be exact, mathematically detached.
give me what i gave you back!
since time don't rewind how you gonna pay me that?
your leaving left me flat...
flatter than the tax that would benefit the rich
sicker than meadia's spin on bull shit
emptier than the clip little kids kill with
because the illusion of freedom is the card they have to deal with,
and the slight of the hand by the person who is paying
is just enough deception for them to not know where he stands.
you colder than his intentions,
had my mind in detention,
that made me feel sick cause my heart was dissenting
from the decision my soul made that you embodied everything that i envisioned.
and i pondered all of this at your name being mentioned.

4th to catch up

wow world, a few things kicked off since we last talked... 1st in my book is north korea talking about wiping my country, USA, off the map. i hate to admit it but i think they're just unstable enough to do it with the new president and all. they might try and flex on obama just to test his mettle. 2nd, the king of pop passed. i fell asleep around 3 or 4pm and i woke up with like 5 missed calls and 10 messages telling me mj had passed away. at first i was like "condolences to the family", but then i remembered me and my big brother kevin dancing to the smooth criminal video in the living room with our dad's top hats. i was better at the spin and he could moon walk so i gotta admit that the man was one of the best entertainers to ever walk the planet... though i was a real fan he had a tremendous amount of talent and he used it to help the world more than people can actually appreciate. despite his few legal problems mike was a good guy, stranger than any other person i know personally, but good non the less. 3rd, talked to an old classmate that i can't remember talking too since 1st grade and she's mad cool... not to mention all grown up. lol.... but in all seriousness we're both english majors, both want to be authors/poets/lawyers and to top it all off she seems cool. now, just to keep it real, *cues bootsy collin's i'd rather be with you* , the song speaks for itself. i don't think i'm locked in on any one female right now, but if i had a reason to be i could focus on one and only one. matter of fact... i just started speaking to an old high school class mate that i didn't really talk to while we were in school but now i talk to her (that's backwards as hell, i know) and she's righteously cute as hell. another fact, i've been meeting a lot of mobile girls who are cute and going places in the last two weeks... and i plan on being in south carolina in the fall... maybe god trying to tell me something... hmmm, i'm willing to put in the work this time around so i don't think i could fail in the academic realm at c.u. (not that i did before, i just didn't do well enough to maintain that juicy ass scholarship that i intend to reclaim next fall... or a better one) but real talk. what's good world? i'm coming up on my 100th blog so i'm thinking about doing it big... i'm talking about a vice filled day to talk about with my 100th blog... or a road trip (maybe to b-ham to wild out with lb and trav... maybe to atlanta to record with the daredevil, maybe to south carolina for some ice cream... just kidding cause that's a scary thought, but i do wanna see her again, and to chill with ggc fam cause we gotta party to warm up for the fall... forgot about old sc upstate homie too... damn... then again... blue and white weekend third week in july??? hmmmm, i have a lot of choices don't i?

oh yea 4th would be my fugging exercising getting off the ground... i walked monday, thursday and today's morning trying to whip my round ass into some other shape. it's not that bad and i actually enjoy hitting the neighborhood up. the morning smells so sweet in my neighborhood it's refreshing... i can smell the cut grass getting that hay smell to it, i can smell the pine tress on summerville and it reminds me of christmas, it's one spot i come across on the first half of clinton that smells like old death for real, and once i make it past that i can smell the warm summer air filled with life, and by the time i hit donald i be thinking about how long i think i've been gone and when look up i be back on barretts lane coming up on my house. today i actually tried to push my pace up and i have to admit it was premature to try that. but i should be jogging at least half of it by the time i go to c.u. and i'll continue to work on my body when i get to cu... larry used to play football... scratch that... he be too damn busy to try and work out with so i might have to get royce to do it cause he don't be doing shit with is evening as long as it aint intramural bball season... i gotta get right for the spring... god willing i'll be crossing those sands to ---------!!! wouldn't you like to know. but for real, i gotta do it big for my 100th blog... so i'll try to think of something entertaining for you all, until then ask yourself this... are people just fugging you, or actually loving you? if you gotta question it, it's probably the first one

110 degree heat index

so... it's me again, doug j. i've been up since about 5:30 pm YESTERDAY!!! i was writing some music, and talking with the brother lb last night. any way... i just came from my cousin's house sitting out on the porch talking to her about a little bit of everything. the temperature was rising the whole time we were talking so i had to beat it back to the house before i burst into flames. today i went on a mile and a half walk around my neighborhood and it really wasn't that bad. i left the house around 550 am got back right before 620... i thought i woulda died but to tell the truth it wasn't that bad. i didn't loose my breath, and my legs weren't hurting... i could feel the signs of my sedentary life style catching up with me in the last couple minutes though. i did some light free weights to try and tighten up my chest as well... i'll be on some crunches later tonight to balance it all out. and hopefully i can make this an every day thing with a few rest days sprinkled throughout. i'm supposed to be recording with some of the homies later, but they better catch me before i pass out or else i won't answer my phone... (when i pass out, my ears shut completely down)...

a snippet from some lyrics i wrote to drake's november 18th instrumental (i been writing decent lines lately so i'm trying not to cool off, i'm even coming up with different styles to deliver my rhymes with... i can go fast, slow, use the last word of a rhyme as the beginning of the next, ambiguous lines that leaves room for many interpretations... all the things that seperate good rappers from the rest... ps... it's hard work)

"...vultures circling, time murdering
my sincerity
this aint how love supposed to be
or is it just me?
it aint just me, it's the emptiness and i
riding off into the thing where the ground touch the sky..."

another snippet off cassidy's aim for the head instrumental

"charming, young, suave guy
that be i
pimp limp in my blood the doctor's couldn't change that
months after surgery my limp came right back
updated news, dj's better check that
mic like nascar my crew finna wreck that
repo man of the game homeboi where my check at
take it to a battle then bet that
can't loose to a punch line spitter
i'm redeeming rap's credibilty quicker
than the average, babbage, wack actors
trying pose as talented rappers"

and even though this stuff is just alright, i know i can... scratch that... i know that i have to write better material if i want people to want to listen to my music. and even with all of these different lines dancing in my head i'm still quite distracted and it's just making me wanna drown it out even more. i really don't know what to say, how can i have a conversation when i don't know what it is i'd like to say... or even if the words are worth saying... this ish is ridiculous... real talk... but on the lighter side of things... i might catch a movie or something tonight... maybe bowling... who knows... i need to get out and let my hair down a bit before i become swallowed up by the monster that is my thoughts... peace out, be cool world

perspective

so i was sitting here talking to my lil brother from clalfin, and there's so much irony in the fact that he provoked this thought, and i begin to think about my perspective on two situations. though they are two different situations the perspective is the same. each individual and i have had a very complicated relationship (in the associative definition... just for clarity)... so i was sitting here wondering if there is room for growth in the direction of love. i don't wonder this about many people because i can spot women that won't work for me a mile off and i try to stay away from them. but, if i see one with that potential that makes my soul smile i can't help but investigate. it's bugging me out a little that i'm back in this particular spot because i really don't wanna be here again. truth is i have love for the both of them and i know they care about me but (girl a) is the hardest to place a finger on for real. one day we'll be talking and vibing it's like i'm in a freaking dream and it can't be any better and then the next thing i know she falls off the face of the earth and i've accepted she's a busy person but i can't help but wonder if there will ever be any consistency with her and that's the part that makes me wanna tear my dreads out.... i like her and i really do believe we met each other at an old age in the past life and promised to find each other in this life... and now that we have i don't know how to make everything fall into place...(girl b) is the mu'fuggin business, i really want her! her smile is an eye catcher, but her mind is what's truly captivating... i gotta admit she's more of the complete package... not that i can even compare these women because neither of them can be compared to another (what can i say, i only consider the elite *super big grin*)...

so my perspective on the situation with each of the aforementioned chicks is that i like them and i don't think that will ever change; however, i don't do the back burner thing anymore so i'm trying to find something new with the exception of hoes because i hate wasting my time. i honestly believe that there is room to grow to love each of the women if i actually had the opportunity to. (girl a) would kinda be on probation because i'm gonna say it, might be stepping on her toes, but in my personal opinion i think she'll flake out on me at the first sign of a challenge. there it is, i said it. if she is indeed the person i remember then i think she would constantly second guess us progressing from friends, to more than friends. i can only speculate as to why, only she and god knows. me thinking that she'll quit on me kinda makes liking her at all vain because why should i put my self out there only to be greeted with a sub par effort? some things can't be controlled, and who i like is one of them

(girl b) is like trying to high jump with concrete boots on, blind folded, in a straigt jacket, with no legs... i don't really know how to approach this situation because us actually liking each other and telling mutual friends would cause an uproar within itself... no... she's not super young or super old or nothing like that... just take my word when i say you wouldn't expect it... aint no way in hell you could have because if you woulda asked me a year and some change ago if i woulda like her i woulda died laughing and told you to moon walk off niagra falls... but despite all that, i find her simply irresistable. there's no way you can like everything about a person... it's just no possible, but i will say that if i had the opportunity to get to know her better i don't think i'd like her any less than i already do.

so maybe i need to think on these things a lil more... or even a lil less... but as of right now my perspective on these women is that i like em and i don't know if i should... or if it'll lead to anything but it's outta my hands. if it were up to me we'd be best friends and i wouldn't want anything more from them but i don't control those knobs in my universe so not only do i not have a choice, but surprisingly i'm cool with where things are for the moment because i don't think i could take extreme emotions two summers in a row with no pay off... that might lead to... (a whole nother blog entry)

quickie (not that way)

whattup world, just coming by to drop this drive by blog... and i'm gonna make this quick because i've strained both my left and right shoulders and arms and it hurts to type. i stayed up all night thursday to tighten my own dreads because my the girl that does my hair obviously didn't want to do them, and everyone thought i just got my hair done again... which is good... and my dreads are getting longer, i guess it's a summer thing (my life usually gets intense over the summer for some reason every since high school... might be my hormones). then travis, junebug, and i was on some bacrdi rum gold... and i knew i was in trouble when june bug had a lil bit and he was buzzing because he has a high tolerence for liq. so i took about 3 shots and that was it for me because it tasted like a blend of ligtning and ass. i quickly chased it with some coke soda and proceeded to sit back and enjoy my buzz. travis kept trying to get me to drink more but i wasn't going for it. him and june bug were zooted (a lil drunk but still able to function, not completely wasted).and we were cracking up because junebug kept semi-passing out... and i remembe travis kept leaning on the wall laughing. i was quite tired from being up all night the night before and i was slowly fading the whole time... i was talking with them with my eyes closed before i blacked out from fatigue... they did wake me up to let me know they were leaving. i had fun yesterday, i woke up at like 2 and ended up catching game two where lebron made that game winning shot... been up all night and not really sleepy but i might just go ahead and lay down just because. but i think i really might have strained my arms and shoulder doing my hair for so long... and it's all YOUR fault, you know who you are

mouth full

what's up world? it's me, again, still listening to kanye's 808's and heartbreaks! i think i'm becoming weary a little bit. it's like i'm actually tired of being me. it's like i just wanna be my complete opposite for a day just to see what would happen but i can't man, i know i would say and do some outrageous things like never before... and i think i'm getting writer's block. i'm having a hard time coming up with lyrics and developing my stories. to be honest it might be that i spend so much time sleeping and when i do get up i don't really want to do anything. i haven't been reading a lot of imaginative literature in the last year either so that could be part of the problem that i can actually work on. as far as the music thing goes, i can write some dope stuff but i'm not the best at delivering it so i'm thinking about taking a serious time out on it until i feel better about it. i've been working on my delivery for a while, and while i've made some improvement i just feel like it's still not to the level i would like it to be. then there's the whole girlfriend issue... one day my good griend g asked me when i was gonna get a girlfriend and i told her that i wouldn't tell her when i did because she was over protective. then laura asked when me and g was getting married and kept telling laura g goes with her cousin because she does... and on top of that i haven't like g beyond the realm of being friends for a looooonnnnng time now. then the next day i went to my brother's house and he asked me what type of girls i liked because he was going to find me a girlfriend and a job because he wasn't going to pay for all my dates. so i'm glad (and amused) i got worried loved one but i've never really needed a girlfriend to feel like a normal guy. right now i'm just looking for cool females i could chill with on a non sexual vibe. someone that's willing to meet me half way in whatever type of friendship/relationship no matter what we choose to do. i gotta admit i've been thinking about a girlfriend every since the sundae situaiton came up last year. i don't even know what that was, but it was fun, it was intense, it was like having the best appetizer possible but there was no main course or desert... exactly!!! safe to say we're good friends but i still think about her sometimes... found out later she like me way more than i thought she did... (raises the roof) go me, go me!!! but now i'm chatting with an old friend on and off and she's just cool peeps and to be honest, i should have went to prom with her but the almighty, mr. confidence him self, was actually afraid to ask her. even a mutual friend of ours was like , "DOUG, YOU SHOULD REALLY ASK HER TO PROM... STOP BEING SILLY" and she gave me the wink like the feeling would be mutual but i just froze up. she looked great too, now that i think about it. we even had a moment junior year where i got her number but i never called. hmmm, second chance won't be blown *looks over imaginary shades, then pushes them back up with a sinister grin* ya feel me? but in all seriousness i'm looking forward to whatever happens between me and whoever because being young has it advantages.... ladies, think about it... being young has it's advantages doesn't it? stamina is a funny thing, i have tons of it and i'm not selfish at all... mind over matter right? i would make a great jedi if that world were real, that's all i gotta say!!! no it's not, one more thing... ima James, and even though i fight the bad habbits that are coded into my genes, i'm coming out my cage in june and july because that's when i'll be doing most of my travelling... i will take full responsibility for all of my actions but that doesn't mean i won't be as horrible as the GGC founding father that i am... enough, enough... yall will see in about two weeks... holler at me world, face book me douglas inkwell james... http://www.myspace.com/biggerd07 ... tweeting is stupid to me, if you need something dope written i write academic stuff, fiction, and i tailor non fiction, as well as song lyrics... i'm bored right now and i wanna write some more but i gotta dip out for a minute so i might be back beforei doze off. holler at me world

not really thinking about it

i'm looking
i'm looking for the answer
to a question that is just as difficult to answer as it is to ask
i'm looking at myself because understanding is different for everyone
and i'm looking at the world half masked
i would love for you all to see me for who i really am
a guy who's destiny is clouded by self doubt, lack of initiative, and fear
i'm afraid to fail, afraid to succeed, afraid of change
but i look back and am never amazed at how i'm unafraid to talk a great game
so if i'm all talk, what does that make me?
a hypocrite? a loser? or a liar?
either way you and i look at it, it's not good.
from what i've seen i can admit that no one is perfect
but i'm starting to ask my self if i deserve it
"it" would be happiness because happiness is the closest thing to perfect
happiness gives the illusion of perfection
if you're truly happy you will perceive things as perfect
but you eyes see what you want them to see.
and i would like mine to struggle to see 20 years from now
i will be accomplished in the realms of academia, business, and self fulfillment
not to mention, you will see me somewhere talking a great game to some eager youth
and i will be neither of the three things i was 20 years younger, 20 years more foolish,
20 years less learned in the lesson of life
20 years before i had a better understanding of how to live my life
so i sit here letting my fingers guide this blog to where it may end,
thinking...
thinking about all the things i've seen, what i'm seeing, and what will be seen...
just thinking and blinking

a few good friends

... all i gotta say is that i'm back on 808 and heartbreaks... don't know if that's a good thing. the creativity is just off the charts on this particular album but so is the pain. i can't say i'm honestly in pain, but i'm just trying to de-stress a lil bit. i can't even enjoy myself right now because it's like i'm loosing friends like pencils over here (i used to loose like 3 pencils a day in school). i'm not even tripping because i believe the whole issue to be trivial in my mind, not to mention that some people's actions are based in lies. but hey i'm like forget those who are so quick to jump ship. and i'm trying to keep my own stress levels as low as possible because some of my friends tell me about their issues, and it seems like i've always been a good listener but i feel as though i don't really have people to listen to my thoughts for real because i don't trust everyone with my issues and thoughts with the exception of a good friend here or there... so i guess that means i do have people to listen. maybe i'm just tripping but i don't have that one person in my life who can just make me smile out the blue... ok, now that i think about it i do. what i'm trying to show yall is that when you acutally think about it, more than likely you are surrounded by a good supporting cast, you just have to look around and appreciate what you have instead of missing what you don't have. a few good friends are all that i have, and even though that number is dwindling slowly but surely, i still feel as though i have good friends.

remember "despite, not in spite, gets you farther in life"

rambling on

i really want yall to know that i'm having fun with this journey i'm on to dread-hood... lol. just moments ago, i just shampooed and conditioned my dreads so they will lock, but be healty cause my hair was a lil dry and i didn't want to run into no real problems down the road.
currently i'm listening to steve harvey's radio show. sound like this ninja talking straight to me. well kinda anyway. i'm kinda catching feelings for this one friend of mine, but we only get close to what it takes to be a good couple but it seems like the pieces never quite fall into place. and to behonest she's such a good woman... not girl, but woman, that i really can't stand to picture her with anyone else but at the same time we're not an item. i'm handling the situation the best way i know how, which is be happy for her no matter what she chooses because that's my homie for real... like if something happened to her i would probably have a breakdown. i feel that way about all my close friends. their happiness is equal to my happiness. one life to live never ask for a mulligan... lil wayne!
so i can't really figure out what's happening when i start falling for these women, cause i don't even entertain lil girls for real. i gotta admit that i've been hung up on this individual for a while, and i found out that she actually liked me a great deal a while back and it kinda shocked me. made me feel like i was like the rest of the guys she's met that just didn't appreciate her for real, but i know that wasn't the case. just a miscommunication on my part i just. any who, i'm just trying ot figure out what's good with me and women right now (i will never be interested in men, just to clear that up if there was even a window for a misunderstanding right there) because i consider my self an individual who deserves to be happy.
i'm at the young age of 20 and i think about marriage and what it would be like, every aspect of it. what it would talk to make it through those days when every single thing goes wrong and it seems like there is no pleasing your life partner no matter what you do. when you have the responsibility and pleasure to raise your children the way you see fit and try to make sure they are comfortable and know that they are loved. what values you'll instill into them, how you will handle child rearing, if you will challenge them to be the best they can be or just let them find their own way.... i mean i think about these things all the time. i see my nephews cam, and jaylon and i try to imagine what my brothers go through on the daily basis trying to be good fathers. if you're not familiar with my family then you might not know that all my brothers are excellent father figures and i must admit they've set the bar pretty high in that department so i just sit back and take notes for now.
so i guess what i'm trying to say, is my mind rambles!!! lol, but for real it really does. my homie maurice once told me that i have all the confidence in the world when it comes to life, he said: doug you aint really scared of shit (paraphrase) but when it comes to the hoes i see you kinda hesitant... he might be on to something. but, i'd rather take my time and see who's worth chasing rather than throwing myself out there over and over only to have meaningless relationships. i don't really want to catch a variety of fist so to speak, i'd just like to catch that one that i'll never forget the story as to how it all happened, and i always smile when someone mentions their name, and i can tell them she's doing fine because we're still together, that's just the type of guy that i am... i'll let yall continue on your way for now. (thinks for a way to end this entry) ... i'm sure my mind will ramble again so i'll catch you later world.? (shrugs shoulders)