naked is a movement

12-16-09 i decided to get naked. naked has nothing to do with clothing or sex. it's a mindset/belief system more than anything else. if you are naked you won't keep dead weight around you, whether it be your leg or your best friend if it holds you down or holds you back cut it off and keep moving towards your goals. naked people will not care what the world thinks because one will know that their opinions shouldn't make or break you. that person will also handle business and do everything he or she is supposed to do and complete that task with their best effort. there's nothing wrong with having fun but everything in moderation. because we are flawed beings, naked people won't worry about the small things that go wrong or the things they can not control because that comes with life. a naked person will not be negative or pessimistic;however, they will be realistic. last but not least a naked person will prioritize their life, god (or whoever you believe in) first then everything else. don't misunderstand me a naked person can care about anything and everything as deep as the next person but they will not care about others when it is not reciprocated.

now that i got that outta the way, i'm still at usa and there's nothing wrong with that. not looking forward to classes in the spring. switching my major to mass communications. writing and rapping more and more these days. i think i'm becoming more at ease of the situations between me and females. i don't have to like it but i can live with it. and because i can't change them i'm still looking for one where the feelings are mutual. i'm not the type of guy who haves sex with women because i can but i do think about it a lot these days. a true life cut friend, and i know a few candidates too who've already made offers. it's really not me and i hope it doesn't become me. the dreads are much longer so i guess i'll have to put up a new pic eventually.

just wrote this, haven't even went over it for real, goes with this india arie song


i'm not average either, and it was nice to meet ya
i hope that i can call you or even set date to see ya
more often than not
i meet women with no esteem in anything
especially when the subject is their self
and you might have the same luck with guys
who are about notches on their belt
not i, don't mistake me for that guy
with confidence i tell you i'm human
and if there is an us
i'll think about us with every action that i'm doing
and even though i make mistakes
i will also try to fix every one i make
i love to just be
being chill is just me
and i'd like you to know you can still move here
but know where ever you are is where i'll want to be

i wish it would rain

i know i aint talked to yall in a while, but hopefully that'll change. onto the reason i came, so it's been raining a lot in my city lately and i know it's hella early but something just struck me and i kinda penned this poem. it's rough and raw and i could have crafted it a thousand times better but i decided to leave it as is. it starts with a refrain but it's nontraditional in the fact that it's not consistent, nor is the length of the stanzas. so you could say it's totally free form i guess. i really don't know how to feel towards oblivious people, but i'm not upset with them. frustration has set in and efforts have been redirected. i've made a conscience effort to realize she's bad for me and act accordingly. crazy thing is, there seems to be some women out there who have been liking me all along and it's not like i was just dismissing them but i'd rather chase one i really like than many i don't. my approach is befriend first, and it never works out like that. i'm beginning to realize it's because once i'm a friend people really value that friendship, that's a feeling i can't even describe so i'm grateful on one hand but on the other i'm like wtf!... i'm having a lot of thoughts flood my mind, and few are nice enough to say (that's the frustration setting in, and i try not to lash out because these are my problems )... i guess i'll see ms. right on the 50 yard line or not at all... it's not a business it's a partnership. ask me how this blog is coherent and i couldn't explain it. anyway, kind of a poem called "i wish it would rain" enjoy. i guess this marks my official return

hoping it brings its friends
to distract me from you
the crash of the thunder
and lightning too
i wish it would rain

for the clouds to come together
and give me some hope
i wouldn't care about my shirt
because it's already soaked
i wish it would rain

if my hair got wet and lost its perfection
i would appreciate the pouring rain
as a metaphor for your affection
so i wish it would rain

even if it's just from you
to hide the pain
to wash the tears from my face
i wish it would rain

no matter how dark it gets
and how hard the wind blows
i wish it would rain
to wash the pain from my soul

i'll edit this soon

hmmm... i'll edit this blog later, but for now just soak in the poem... if it's that

today someone called me strange
i replied you must have meant changed.
short- to be exact, mathematically detached.
give me what i gave you back!
since time don't rewind how you gonna pay me that?
your leaving left me flat...
flatter than the tax that would benefit the rich
sicker than meadia's spin on bull shit
emptier than the clip little kids kill with
because the illusion of freedom is the card they have to deal with,
and the slight of the hand by the person who is paying
is just enough deception for them to not know where he stands.
you colder than his intentions,
had my mind in detention,
that made me feel sick cause my heart was dissenting
from the decision my soul made that you embodied everything that i envisioned.
and i pondered all of this at your name being mentioned.

4th to catch up

wow world, a few things kicked off since we last talked... 1st in my book is north korea talking about wiping my country, USA, off the map. i hate to admit it but i think they're just unstable enough to do it with the new president and all. they might try and flex on obama just to test his mettle. 2nd, the king of pop passed. i fell asleep around 3 or 4pm and i woke up with like 5 missed calls and 10 messages telling me mj had passed away. at first i was like "condolences to the family", but then i remembered me and my big brother kevin dancing to the smooth criminal video in the living room with our dad's top hats. i was better at the spin and he could moon walk so i gotta admit that the man was one of the best entertainers to ever walk the planet... though i was a real fan he had a tremendous amount of talent and he used it to help the world more than people can actually appreciate. despite his few legal problems mike was a good guy, stranger than any other person i know personally, but good non the less. 3rd, talked to an old classmate that i can't remember talking too since 1st grade and she's mad cool... not to mention all grown up. lol.... but in all seriousness we're both english majors, both want to be authors/poets/lawyers and to top it all off she seems cool. now, just to keep it real, *cues bootsy collin's i'd rather be with you* , the song speaks for itself. i don't think i'm locked in on any one female right now, but if i had a reason to be i could focus on one and only one. matter of fact... i just started speaking to an old high school class mate that i didn't really talk to while we were in school but now i talk to her (that's backwards as hell, i know) and she's righteously cute as hell. another fact, i've been meeting a lot of mobile girls who are cute and going places in the last two weeks... and i plan on being in south carolina in the fall... maybe god trying to tell me something... hmmm, i'm willing to put in the work this time around so i don't think i could fail in the academic realm at c.u. (not that i did before, i just didn't do well enough to maintain that juicy ass scholarship that i intend to reclaim next fall... or a better one) but real talk. what's good world? i'm coming up on my 100th blog so i'm thinking about doing it big... i'm talking about a vice filled day to talk about with my 100th blog... or a road trip (maybe to b-ham to wild out with lb and trav... maybe to atlanta to record with the daredevil, maybe to south carolina for some ice cream... just kidding cause that's a scary thought, but i do wanna see her again, and to chill with ggc fam cause we gotta party to warm up for the fall... forgot about old sc upstate homie too... damn... then again... blue and white weekend third week in july??? hmmmm, i have a lot of choices don't i?

oh yea 4th would be my fugging exercising getting off the ground... i walked monday, thursday and today's morning trying to whip my round ass into some other shape. it's not that bad and i actually enjoy hitting the neighborhood up. the morning smells so sweet in my neighborhood it's refreshing... i can smell the cut grass getting that hay smell to it, i can smell the pine tress on summerville and it reminds me of christmas, it's one spot i come across on the first half of clinton that smells like old death for real, and once i make it past that i can smell the warm summer air filled with life, and by the time i hit donald i be thinking about how long i think i've been gone and when look up i be back on barretts lane coming up on my house. today i actually tried to push my pace up and i have to admit it was premature to try that. but i should be jogging at least half of it by the time i go to c.u. and i'll continue to work on my body when i get to cu... larry used to play football... scratch that... he be too damn busy to try and work out with so i might have to get royce to do it cause he don't be doing shit with is evening as long as it aint intramural bball season... i gotta get right for the spring... god willing i'll be crossing those sands to ---------!!! wouldn't you like to know. but for real, i gotta do it big for my 100th blog... so i'll try to think of something entertaining for you all, until then ask yourself this... are people just fugging you, or actually loving you? if you gotta question it, it's probably the first one

110 degree heat index

so... it's me again, doug j. i've been up since about 5:30 pm YESTERDAY!!! i was writing some music, and talking with the brother lb last night. any way... i just came from my cousin's house sitting out on the porch talking to her about a little bit of everything. the temperature was rising the whole time we were talking so i had to beat it back to the house before i burst into flames. today i went on a mile and a half walk around my neighborhood and it really wasn't that bad. i left the house around 550 am got back right before 620... i thought i woulda died but to tell the truth it wasn't that bad. i didn't loose my breath, and my legs weren't hurting... i could feel the signs of my sedentary life style catching up with me in the last couple minutes though. i did some light free weights to try and tighten up my chest as well... i'll be on some crunches later tonight to balance it all out. and hopefully i can make this an every day thing with a few rest days sprinkled throughout. i'm supposed to be recording with some of the homies later, but they better catch me before i pass out or else i won't answer my phone... (when i pass out, my ears shut completely down)...

a snippet from some lyrics i wrote to drake's november 18th instrumental (i been writing decent lines lately so i'm trying not to cool off, i'm even coming up with different styles to deliver my rhymes with... i can go fast, slow, use the last word of a rhyme as the beginning of the next, ambiguous lines that leaves room for many interpretations... all the things that seperate good rappers from the rest... ps... it's hard work)

"...vultures circling, time murdering
my sincerity
this aint how love supposed to be
or is it just me?
it aint just me, it's the emptiness and i
riding off into the thing where the ground touch the sky..."

another snippet off cassidy's aim for the head instrumental

"charming, young, suave guy
that be i
pimp limp in my blood the doctor's couldn't change that
months after surgery my limp came right back
updated news, dj's better check that
mic like nascar my crew finna wreck that
repo man of the game homeboi where my check at
take it to a battle then bet that
can't loose to a punch line spitter
i'm redeeming rap's credibilty quicker
than the average, babbage, wack actors
trying pose as talented rappers"

and even though this stuff is just alright, i know i can... scratch that... i know that i have to write better material if i want people to want to listen to my music. and even with all of these different lines dancing in my head i'm still quite distracted and it's just making me wanna drown it out even more. i really don't know what to say, how can i have a conversation when i don't know what it is i'd like to say... or even if the words are worth saying... this ish is ridiculous... real talk... but on the lighter side of things... i might catch a movie or something tonight... maybe bowling... who knows... i need to get out and let my hair down a bit before i become swallowed up by the monster that is my thoughts... peace out, be cool world

perspective

so i was sitting here talking to my lil brother from clalfin, and there's so much irony in the fact that he provoked this thought, and i begin to think about my perspective on two situations. though they are two different situations the perspective is the same. each individual and i have had a very complicated relationship (in the associative definition... just for clarity)... so i was sitting here wondering if there is room for growth in the direction of love. i don't wonder this about many people because i can spot women that won't work for me a mile off and i try to stay away from them. but, if i see one with that potential that makes my soul smile i can't help but investigate. it's bugging me out a little that i'm back in this particular spot because i really don't wanna be here again. truth is i have love for the both of them and i know they care about me but (girl a) is the hardest to place a finger on for real. one day we'll be talking and vibing it's like i'm in a freaking dream and it can't be any better and then the next thing i know she falls off the face of the earth and i've accepted she's a busy person but i can't help but wonder if there will ever be any consistency with her and that's the part that makes me wanna tear my dreads out.... i like her and i really do believe we met each other at an old age in the past life and promised to find each other in this life... and now that we have i don't know how to make everything fall into place...(girl b) is the mu'fuggin business, i really want her! her smile is an eye catcher, but her mind is what's truly captivating... i gotta admit she's more of the complete package... not that i can even compare these women because neither of them can be compared to another (what can i say, i only consider the elite *super big grin*)...

so my perspective on the situation with each of the aforementioned chicks is that i like them and i don't think that will ever change; however, i don't do the back burner thing anymore so i'm trying to find something new with the exception of hoes because i hate wasting my time. i honestly believe that there is room to grow to love each of the women if i actually had the opportunity to. (girl a) would kinda be on probation because i'm gonna say it, might be stepping on her toes, but in my personal opinion i think she'll flake out on me at the first sign of a challenge. there it is, i said it. if she is indeed the person i remember then i think she would constantly second guess us progressing from friends, to more than friends. i can only speculate as to why, only she and god knows. me thinking that she'll quit on me kinda makes liking her at all vain because why should i put my self out there only to be greeted with a sub par effort? some things can't be controlled, and who i like is one of them

(girl b) is like trying to high jump with concrete boots on, blind folded, in a straigt jacket, with no legs... i don't really know how to approach this situation because us actually liking each other and telling mutual friends would cause an uproar within itself... no... she's not super young or super old or nothing like that... just take my word when i say you wouldn't expect it... aint no way in hell you could have because if you woulda asked me a year and some change ago if i woulda like her i woulda died laughing and told you to moon walk off niagra falls... but despite all that, i find her simply irresistable. there's no way you can like everything about a person... it's just no possible, but i will say that if i had the opportunity to get to know her better i don't think i'd like her any less than i already do.

so maybe i need to think on these things a lil more... or even a lil less... but as of right now my perspective on these women is that i like em and i don't know if i should... or if it'll lead to anything but it's outta my hands. if it were up to me we'd be best friends and i wouldn't want anything more from them but i don't control those knobs in my universe so not only do i not have a choice, but surprisingly i'm cool with where things are for the moment because i don't think i could take extreme emotions two summers in a row with no pay off... that might lead to... (a whole nother blog entry)

quickie (not that way)

whattup world, just coming by to drop this drive by blog... and i'm gonna make this quick because i've strained both my left and right shoulders and arms and it hurts to type. i stayed up all night thursday to tighten my own dreads because my the girl that does my hair obviously didn't want to do them, and everyone thought i just got my hair done again... which is good... and my dreads are getting longer, i guess it's a summer thing (my life usually gets intense over the summer for some reason every since high school... might be my hormones). then travis, junebug, and i was on some bacrdi rum gold... and i knew i was in trouble when june bug had a lil bit and he was buzzing because he has a high tolerence for liq. so i took about 3 shots and that was it for me because it tasted like a blend of ligtning and ass. i quickly chased it with some coke soda and proceeded to sit back and enjoy my buzz. travis kept trying to get me to drink more but i wasn't going for it. him and june bug were zooted (a lil drunk but still able to function, not completely wasted).and we were cracking up because junebug kept semi-passing out... and i remembe travis kept leaning on the wall laughing. i was quite tired from being up all night the night before and i was slowly fading the whole time... i was talking with them with my eyes closed before i blacked out from fatigue... they did wake me up to let me know they were leaving. i had fun yesterday, i woke up at like 2 and ended up catching game two where lebron made that game winning shot... been up all night and not really sleepy but i might just go ahead and lay down just because. but i think i really might have strained my arms and shoulder doing my hair for so long... and it's all YOUR fault, you know who you are

mouth full

what's up world? it's me, again, still listening to kanye's 808's and heartbreaks! i think i'm becoming weary a little bit. it's like i'm actually tired of being me. it's like i just wanna be my complete opposite for a day just to see what would happen but i can't man, i know i would say and do some outrageous things like never before... and i think i'm getting writer's block. i'm having a hard time coming up with lyrics and developing my stories. to be honest it might be that i spend so much time sleeping and when i do get up i don't really want to do anything. i haven't been reading a lot of imaginative literature in the last year either so that could be part of the problem that i can actually work on. as far as the music thing goes, i can write some dope stuff but i'm not the best at delivering it so i'm thinking about taking a serious time out on it until i feel better about it. i've been working on my delivery for a while, and while i've made some improvement i just feel like it's still not to the level i would like it to be. then there's the whole girlfriend issue... one day my good griend g asked me when i was gonna get a girlfriend and i told her that i wouldn't tell her when i did because she was over protective. then laura asked when me and g was getting married and kept telling laura g goes with her cousin because she does... and on top of that i haven't like g beyond the realm of being friends for a looooonnnnng time now. then the next day i went to my brother's house and he asked me what type of girls i liked because he was going to find me a girlfriend and a job because he wasn't going to pay for all my dates. so i'm glad (and amused) i got worried loved one but i've never really needed a girlfriend to feel like a normal guy. right now i'm just looking for cool females i could chill with on a non sexual vibe. someone that's willing to meet me half way in whatever type of friendship/relationship no matter what we choose to do. i gotta admit i've been thinking about a girlfriend every since the sundae situaiton came up last year. i don't even know what that was, but it was fun, it was intense, it was like having the best appetizer possible but there was no main course or desert... exactly!!! safe to say we're good friends but i still think about her sometimes... found out later she like me way more than i thought she did... (raises the roof) go me, go me!!! but now i'm chatting with an old friend on and off and she's just cool peeps and to be honest, i should have went to prom with her but the almighty, mr. confidence him self, was actually afraid to ask her. even a mutual friend of ours was like , "DOUG, YOU SHOULD REALLY ASK HER TO PROM... STOP BEING SILLY" and she gave me the wink like the feeling would be mutual but i just froze up. she looked great too, now that i think about it. we even had a moment junior year where i got her number but i never called. hmmm, second chance won't be blown *looks over imaginary shades, then pushes them back up with a sinister grin* ya feel me? but in all seriousness i'm looking forward to whatever happens between me and whoever because being young has it advantages.... ladies, think about it... being young has it's advantages doesn't it? stamina is a funny thing, i have tons of it and i'm not selfish at all... mind over matter right? i would make a great jedi if that world were real, that's all i gotta say!!! no it's not, one more thing... ima James, and even though i fight the bad habbits that are coded into my genes, i'm coming out my cage in june and july because that's when i'll be doing most of my travelling... i will take full responsibility for all of my actions but that doesn't mean i won't be as horrible as the GGC founding father that i am... enough, enough... yall will see in about two weeks... holler at me world, face book me douglas inkwell james... http://www.myspace.com/biggerd07 ... tweeting is stupid to me, if you need something dope written i write academic stuff, fiction, and i tailor non fiction, as well as song lyrics... i'm bored right now and i wanna write some more but i gotta dip out for a minute so i might be back beforei doze off. holler at me world

not really thinking about it

i'm looking
i'm looking for the answer
to a question that is just as difficult to answer as it is to ask
i'm looking at myself because understanding is different for everyone
and i'm looking at the world half masked
i would love for you all to see me for who i really am
a guy who's destiny is clouded by self doubt, lack of initiative, and fear
i'm afraid to fail, afraid to succeed, afraid of change
but i look back and am never amazed at how i'm unafraid to talk a great game
so if i'm all talk, what does that make me?
a hypocrite? a loser? or a liar?
either way you and i look at it, it's not good.
from what i've seen i can admit that no one is perfect
but i'm starting to ask my self if i deserve it
"it" would be happiness because happiness is the closest thing to perfect
happiness gives the illusion of perfection
if you're truly happy you will perceive things as perfect
but you eyes see what you want them to see.
and i would like mine to struggle to see 20 years from now
i will be accomplished in the realms of academia, business, and self fulfillment
not to mention, you will see me somewhere talking a great game to some eager youth
and i will be neither of the three things i was 20 years younger, 20 years more foolish,
20 years less learned in the lesson of life
20 years before i had a better understanding of how to live my life
so i sit here letting my fingers guide this blog to where it may end,
thinking...
thinking about all the things i've seen, what i'm seeing, and what will be seen...
just thinking and blinking

a few good friends

... all i gotta say is that i'm back on 808 and heartbreaks... don't know if that's a good thing. the creativity is just off the charts on this particular album but so is the pain. i can't say i'm honestly in pain, but i'm just trying to de-stress a lil bit. i can't even enjoy myself right now because it's like i'm loosing friends like pencils over here (i used to loose like 3 pencils a day in school). i'm not even tripping because i believe the whole issue to be trivial in my mind, not to mention that some people's actions are based in lies. but hey i'm like forget those who are so quick to jump ship. and i'm trying to keep my own stress levels as low as possible because some of my friends tell me about their issues, and it seems like i've always been a good listener but i feel as though i don't really have people to listen to my thoughts for real because i don't trust everyone with my issues and thoughts with the exception of a good friend here or there... so i guess that means i do have people to listen. maybe i'm just tripping but i don't have that one person in my life who can just make me smile out the blue... ok, now that i think about it i do. what i'm trying to show yall is that when you acutally think about it, more than likely you are surrounded by a good supporting cast, you just have to look around and appreciate what you have instead of missing what you don't have. a few good friends are all that i have, and even though that number is dwindling slowly but surely, i still feel as though i have good friends.

remember "despite, not in spite, gets you farther in life"

rambling on

i really want yall to know that i'm having fun with this journey i'm on to dread-hood... lol. just moments ago, i just shampooed and conditioned my dreads so they will lock, but be healty cause my hair was a lil dry and i didn't want to run into no real problems down the road.
currently i'm listening to steve harvey's radio show. sound like this ninja talking straight to me. well kinda anyway. i'm kinda catching feelings for this one friend of mine, but we only get close to what it takes to be a good couple but it seems like the pieces never quite fall into place. and to behonest she's such a good woman... not girl, but woman, that i really can't stand to picture her with anyone else but at the same time we're not an item. i'm handling the situation the best way i know how, which is be happy for her no matter what she chooses because that's my homie for real... like if something happened to her i would probably have a breakdown. i feel that way about all my close friends. their happiness is equal to my happiness. one life to live never ask for a mulligan... lil wayne!
so i can't really figure out what's happening when i start falling for these women, cause i don't even entertain lil girls for real. i gotta admit that i've been hung up on this individual for a while, and i found out that she actually liked me a great deal a while back and it kinda shocked me. made me feel like i was like the rest of the guys she's met that just didn't appreciate her for real, but i know that wasn't the case. just a miscommunication on my part i just. any who, i'm just trying ot figure out what's good with me and women right now (i will never be interested in men, just to clear that up if there was even a window for a misunderstanding right there) because i consider my self an individual who deserves to be happy.
i'm at the young age of 20 and i think about marriage and what it would be like, every aspect of it. what it would talk to make it through those days when every single thing goes wrong and it seems like there is no pleasing your life partner no matter what you do. when you have the responsibility and pleasure to raise your children the way you see fit and try to make sure they are comfortable and know that they are loved. what values you'll instill into them, how you will handle child rearing, if you will challenge them to be the best they can be or just let them find their own way.... i mean i think about these things all the time. i see my nephews cam, and jaylon and i try to imagine what my brothers go through on the daily basis trying to be good fathers. if you're not familiar with my family then you might not know that all my brothers are excellent father figures and i must admit they've set the bar pretty high in that department so i just sit back and take notes for now.
so i guess what i'm trying to say, is my mind rambles!!! lol, but for real it really does. my homie maurice once told me that i have all the confidence in the world when it comes to life, he said: doug you aint really scared of shit (paraphrase) but when it comes to the hoes i see you kinda hesitant... he might be on to something. but, i'd rather take my time and see who's worth chasing rather than throwing myself out there over and over only to have meaningless relationships. i don't really want to catch a variety of fist so to speak, i'd just like to catch that one that i'll never forget the story as to how it all happened, and i always smile when someone mentions their name, and i can tell them she's doing fine because we're still together, that's just the type of guy that i am... i'll let yall continue on your way for now. (thinks for a way to end this entry) ... i'm sure my mind will ramble again so i'll catch you later world.? (shrugs shoulders)

a dreaded entry

one day my big brother ddwayne just decided to not get hair cuts anymore because he wanted to grow braids. and my other brother kevin soon followed. i always looked up to my brothers for different reasons and that has changed some since i've gotten a little older, but i still look up to them none the less. so seeing that they had braids of course i wanted them too. no matter how many times i tried to grow my hair it always seemed like my mom would make me get it cut. she would say that my hair was too rough and tought to get braided when clearly my brother wayne's hair tends to curl harder than mine. so i took care of my low cut hair and hardly ever had dandruff, even when my skin would get dry spots in the winter i would seldom have dandruff. i had fades and waves for most of my life so it didn't really bother me. i kinda grew my hair the summer before senior year and had a baby fro but i cut it off near the end of first quarter because i had jrotc and i'd play in it and i would look rough and unkempt by the time i got to work. since i was the first thing the customers saw i kinda wanted to keep my image as being a well groomed guy. i went to claflin freshman year and i thought to my self i was pretty grown now and was able to make my own decisions on most things and i got my one of my best friends royce to cut my hair for an honors banquet and i was like that's the last hair cut i'll be getting for a while. and antwan was like "shut that shit up doug, you been said that" (paraphrase). he was joking but he was right. i been tried to grow braids. i wanted braids because they were clean looking and versatile. you could be creative or simple with braids; it was your choice. well, wayne cut half his hair off and got dreaded, and i thought i would look way different with dread and i wanted to try something new. so after growing my lil fro all summer i got dreaded late the monday night before i went to vote for the first time. it was like perfect timing, time for change in more ways than once i suppose. at first i let one of my nephew friends do them and she did a poor job. the one thing she didn't do was damage my hair. but that's as good as it gets. the dreads would come loose withing a week, would be easily washed out when i had to clean my hair. and she would be easily distracted and it once took me 4 and a half hours to get them tightened. so i decided to check out one of wayne's friends and i've been loving it every since. she uses the comb-twist method and they are locking up rappidly.

for me, i'd like my dreads to say first and foremost that i'm a confident individual who isn't afraid to be myself. my dreads remind me of a younger version of my self who looked up to the older males in my family and remind me that i have younger ones looking up to me. if i told you i grew them for a deeply spiritual reason then i'd be lying, if i told you they make me feel closer to my african ancestors then that would be true in a way. there are people all over the globe who locks their hair in different ways and for different reasons and no two people's dreads are the same. something as simple as dread locks crosses all barriers you can think of... age: both young and old people get dreadlocks; sex: men and women choose to lock their hair; race: asian, european, african, austrailian... pick a continent and i guarantee you a person on that continent has dreads for whatever reason. something as simple as dreadlocks reassures me that there is hope that one day people will stop seeing differences and just appreciate each other for what they are worth. anf if they can't do that, then respectively decline to be in each others' company. i'd love to see the day where humans realize that we're all connected in a way.

shots out to vivian alexander, ddwayne james, deryk wilkins, brian means, damien alexander, alex barr (cut his off recently), ronald spurlock jr.... these are the dread heads that i know, soon my homie lebaron will make this list.

reguardless, i suppose

it's taken me forever to actually complete this post and i guess it truly consists of two parts. first part: i was vexed by this conversation that i had with one of my home girls. and to me it kinda seemed like the final mic check before a concert. i don't know if she wanted to make sure everything was what she thought it was and making sure to put things in their place. i was cool with that for the most part, that night the conversation was just on my mind and bothering me. not her fault at all, but it just kept replaying over and over in my head. so i text her but that didn't really do anything to satisfy my discomfort. still not really anyone's fault, it just is what it is. so i finally went to sleep and didn't have a dream. part two: i woke up, it didn't really cross my mind at all, i went through my whole day of not doing much of anything. oh yea, my brothers lb and arna back in town and that might have been it. so i talked with lb about it and he spoke his mind on it. then i talked to arna and he spoke his mind on it. so i was just had a wtf moment and i kinda just replay it all once again.... let's just say i don't really wonder what if anymore. i'm more like whatever happens happens, and i'll deal with the fall out later. i'm gonna be the same old me regardless and all the hoping and wanting certain situations aint really cutting it so i'm cutting them out. but on the other hand i've gained another great friend, who has best friend potential...

it feels aight to be back

what's good world? i know it's been a loooooooooong time since i've stopped to tell yall whats good with me but it be that way some time. i don't know what's all happened since i've last talked to yall but i'm sure we'll catch up eventually on it all. but i really wanted to let yall know that it's summer time so you know what that means... i'm straight wilding out. catch me if you can ya feel me. i'm looking for some steady work, steady community service, i gotta loose 30 pounds with an additional 20 being optional, and take at least one road trip. now if you followed my blog last summer you know that things got kinda intense between me and the one and only sundae. i'd just like to let yall know she's good, and told me that she will behave this summer. as will i *cough... bullshit*. any who, for the most part i think females are wilding all around me and i will have no parts of their tom foolery. i gotta try, and try, and try even harder not to be the traditional james/nicholson that i am...*sheds tear* it's so hard to be this good when my genes tell me to be so bad. well there is no reward for doing the right thing so i will remain "invictus" in that aspect of life, along with many other aspects. hopefully i'll be completing a shot but flavorful mixtape by the end of june, i need to get up on my poetry game a little, and i should be dropping a short story called "not letting it slide" before ya know it. i know this may seem like a lot (because it is) but i am me and it's nathan(nothing) ya dig? i am looking for a special chick to call my own, if you know her please tell her to hit me up via email or fb (facebook). my type is: cute, down to earth, a lil silly like me, she aint gotta be a rocket scientist but able to hold a conversation, i prefer brown skinned but then again i don't discriminate at all when it comes to women, and she had to be able to tell the truth, we all have a past and i want you to know i don't trip about things in the rear view mirror ya dig... i guess that will be all for the moment, hopefully i'll drop something else soon. and if you see the people who's blog is featured on my blog... lb, tia, myea, and michelle tell them ninja's i sad to blog, aight? cool. inkwell out!

lack of convo= high moment of the year

so i've been talking to a few of my fellow dungeon royalty members but i have to admit that brittany's input was valued the most, from what i told her she thought i was in love, but i told her i was like right at the cliff and nothing was done to pull me over the edge, even though i would like go through hell for the girl. but, i would only go through hell if there was more, i have to admit that even if progress is made and it's not quick enough then my patience will wear thin quickly. 6 months ago i was highly infactuated with a young lady and we've been talking on the phone, texting having a high ho time, but we're right where we started in june+ at least 2 "breakups" minus the excitement of something new... so i had a high moment last night and said that i don't wanna pursue her any more. and i really won't, if things don't change. she knows that i still want to be friends and all of that, and what i said might not even be a big deal to her, but i feel like i cut off my right hand last night... fyi i'm right handed...yea, i really thought i was gonna be waste deep in paul masson by now, but thanks to a few friends i spared my self the effects of heavy drinking lol. kidd said let her star gaze from the out side cause she acting out of this world; ezra said damn homie... 6 months...; lb said if you over there tearing up and all that shit then do you; and brittany said that if i feel the way i say i do then why won't i wait for her to be the best her that she could be... i don't even know how to feel right now but kanye's been here through it all... and common because that punch drunk love is whats up... and drake cause i need a replacement girl even though no one could replace her... i guess i need someone to hold me over until the day she gets it together for her self, but what if she be like , fuck you nigga i thought you were tired of waiting in a very sarcastic voice and uses her eyes the way she does, and doesn't do that lil thing she does with her face that inturn makes me do that thing i do with mine... that would be very... very... REAL. it would mortify (to subject to severe and vexing embarrassment) me... yea, that would be some realness for my ass. but me being the dapper, swagalicious guy that i am ... scratch all of that... i think i just wanted to talk more, about you about me, about the stuff we never talked about, about the questions that never got asked. i just wanted to be real with you and i am right now admitting i didn't really let you in... talking with brittany made me realize that i had walls up too, just one big ass impassible wall because i didn't want to expose my self to you for real... in 09, people can ask what ever they like and i'm really trying to keep it real with yall... no matter the question. i think lack of conversation is what made me feel the way i did. i mean just blogging about it is making me feel a tad better... i'm on the road to recovery i guess... and if you think back to once of the first conversaions we ever had, i think my heart is stronger than i think it is too...

mulligan

i would ask for it if i knew it wasn't in vain
i would ask for a chance to make a change
to redo one thing... but i know better
each and every letter cut me when i spoke them
i spoke from the heart,
but those words, i wish i hadn't knowed them
or sowed them like seeds
now i'm filled with sorrow
but crying these t's...
e's a's r's and s's
guesses? i have none as to what the future holds
i thought i would feel relieved but no, no, no
it's quite the opposite
i feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life...
and weirdly at the same time, i'm glad i spoke my mind
six months and i'm right where i started
but if this was a test i'd be deemed mentally retarded
but it's not a test, it was a me
and a her
and the conversation is so blurry already...
i wish we had talked about more
and i'd asked more questions
and was the old me
but honestly she met who i am now
and i'm full of fear, despite what i might say
i blame no one for why i am the way i am now
but the old me (pre heart break) would have been way more thoughtful and creative...
i already want to tell you that when you finish working on you, call me before anyone else
... i tried sleep a few mins ago and it didn't work, so now i'm blogging
i can't even be poetic right now cause it's raining on my lab top again...
and those rain drops can't change anything...

lslsldkkosdlkjlksfkjllksdkllkslksdjlkklsdfjhfio238090922800ioefkjlnwefni0e009f0niofon0efr0i093009fri0nwefiwfinsf0w0... that sums up what those messy things are telling me... i'm a terrible mess right now and i would like a mulligan but they truly don't exist because people might forgive but they don't forget that easily...

A Thundering F.A.Q From the Strong Silent Type

angels on my shoulders speak often
he say i shouldn't do but HE says that i should
i say that i can't and both reply: you could
and i should
but what's really good
not the way i'm feeling
to much of a hassle
to be performing all of this concealing
they ask what she's dealing
i say :that good old fashion what i need to start feeling again
he asks :is it worth it my friend
and HE says: here we go a-mutherfucking-gain
i don't mind waiting
but this situation got me feeling like a diamond
not common
but so un- (as in uncommon) that the pressure is changing me
both he and HE said: more like straining me
and i replied:us, yall mean us right?
cause we all be up at night
trying to get our head right
(not my heart
cause He's the strong silent type)
consider what she is and not the hype
with all things known is she worth the fight
a simple yae or nae is all yall need say
HE replied: no! emphatically
he said yes
He spoke for the first time in a long time:
...
you know what you have to do, you have to F.A.Q.
but i'm not sure if thats what i wanna do
i'm no super man,
i'm just a doug j. type dude
game over, we both loose

a natural liking for or attraction to a person, thing, idea, etc.

affinity
mine is like a limited infinity
that wants to be,
but remains not a friend to me
though it has me grinning
there's nothing funny
i'm actually feeling crummy
feeling like crash test dummies
now that i'm out of ideas i have my mind running
stunning
how it seems you're slipping from me
though i never had you in my grasp
and
i think that fact rasps me the most
so i climb into the chevy and coast along the roads
looking towards the future
hoping i find someone half as great as you
sooner
rather than later
but since chasing your soul is a tole taker
i'd rather bunt
than swing for the fences
seeing as how it feels safer
it doesn't seem to pay
to be a high risk taker
but this is just a single layer
of this well rapped slayer

fear is the conveyor of weakness
weakness is never confused with meekness
however
vice versa is often
and before i leave for the coffin
which is constantly calling
i will find her
living, breathing, coughing, walking and talking
whose affinity
is me
an unbound infinity
of latent poetry
knowingly
letting her know i love her thoroughly
through my actions
hardly ever lacking perfection
in the form of playful affection
and before i get carried away with what i'm feeling
i'm back to thought of my heart
and how it seems to need protecting

i hope that my fear of one
who has an affinity for me
will not be an overwhelming enemy of me

a.r.a.n. 4 w/side note

... i just wanna let you know that i'm the safest bet in 09'... there's too many things in 10' that depend on what i do in o9' for me to not be on top of everything this year. first off, i really wanna return to claflin in 2010 so that i can rejoin my friends and cross those burning sands where i feel at home first and foremost. a very slim second is i feel like i gotta redeem my self a little since i kinda dropped the ball in 08'. i have to care less about what i want to do and just get what i have to get done accomplished. i'm in the friend making mood so i'll be meeting new people and living a lot more in o9, first road trip will probably be to UAB this year but i will be at Claflin in the spring. i can't wait no more, i've had my little slum time but since people having been passing and i've had a little bit of time to try and mature a little more, i realize that i'm a grown african american male in a harsh society. i can't afford to look for sympathy form others, god blesses the child who has his own right? so in 09' i'm making moves for independence. i want to have enough money where i can help out with the house, get a decent car that IS MINE, actually pretend that i care about my comic, novel, and music writing, get into shape. i don't wanna loose my big guy charm, i just wanna be able to play basketball for an hour without being toatlly wiped out. i've started but the recovery time is like 4 days so that means i'm trying too hard right now and i have to pace my self. i'm gonna be walking around the neighborhood a lot more and basically boil, bake, broil, grill, stew, and any other method of cooking besides fried foods. less than half my meal will be meat and i will eat a lot more fruits and veggies in 09'. i'm bout to eat way more fruits seeing as how they're tasty and the human body can use them efficiently, soda is out in 09'. it's all about water these days (tea and coffee will be flowing as well, but way more water though)... i'm growing the dreads still, i'm trying to just be weary from success in o9...

side note

i will say that my heart remains yours for now, but it's up for lease seeing as how there is an electrified fence around "that situation" and doesn't seem like we'll be making it past that hang up anytime soon. i'm really flattered that you feel the way you do about me, that you wondered what if once upon a time, that my emotions weren't the only ones on that yo-yo, and that you even start breaking down a wall or two these last couple of weeks but it's not enough for me. i'm way more patient that i seem but, it's really sagittarius like to never be satified no matter how much progress has been made towards a certain goal. you're simply amazing and i want you to know that i'm always wishing the best for you and yours and even though you might not get it, you can have it... lol. so many words... thoughts... all about you. but, i _____ __ __ ____ _____. hopefully i'll be writing more poetry in 09 that's not grief related and share it with my blog readers. but until then, be safe, be cool, and be who you wanna be in 09!