mulligan

i would ask for it if i knew it wasn't in vain
i would ask for a chance to make a change
to redo one thing... but i know better
each and every letter cut me when i spoke them
i spoke from the heart,
but those words, i wish i hadn't knowed them
or sowed them like seeds
now i'm filled with sorrow
but crying these t's...
e's a's r's and s's
guesses? i have none as to what the future holds
i thought i would feel relieved but no, no, no
it's quite the opposite
i feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life...
and weirdly at the same time, i'm glad i spoke my mind
six months and i'm right where i started
but if this was a test i'd be deemed mentally retarded
but it's not a test, it was a me
and a her
and the conversation is so blurry already...
i wish we had talked about more
and i'd asked more questions
and was the old me
but honestly she met who i am now
and i'm full of fear, despite what i might say
i blame no one for why i am the way i am now
but the old me (pre heart break) would have been way more thoughtful and creative...
i already want to tell you that when you finish working on you, call me before anyone else
... i tried sleep a few mins ago and it didn't work, so now i'm blogging
i can't even be poetic right now cause it's raining on my lab top again...
and those rain drops can't change anything...

lslsldkkosdlkjlksfkjllksdkllkslksdjlkklsdfjhfio238090922800ioefkjlnwefni0e009f0niofon0efr0i093009fri0nwefiwfinsf0w0... that sums up what those messy things are telling me... i'm a terrible mess right now and i would like a mulligan but they truly don't exist because people might forgive but they don't forget that easily...