ugh!

"i woulda said yes, but our situaion is different
when we aint talking on the phone it feels like something's missing"

lb, my brother, these lines are plaguing me! you heard me nail these that one time and i know we both had/have our situations to deal with but this is getting to me for some reason. has been for the past two days. i'm outta school tomorrow so i def gotta find something to do (laura WILL come to the rescue). W.I.T.H? i am stuck on her but at the same time i'm like bump it.

interesting things keep happening with the whole situation... random text messages!

outside of that we're preparing for gustov on my side. he's supposed to be a really nasty hurricane with some strong winds and plenty of rain. we're on the back side of it so we won't be getting the worse of it's wrath and i hope that everybody comes out well when it's all over. It is hurricane season! so, with all this warm water these storms just can't help them selves. i'm pretty bored, but this cough is keeping me busy, because i have to try to keep it under control. momma G is too worried but i appreciate it. i need to get out the house and do something and my home gurl wanted to see tropic thunder so i might do that tomorrow... maybe! then, again... maybe not. I'm kinda hungry and i want some tea so i think i'm about to go take care of that.

mischief introduced me to her sister, grief

mischief is my wife to be if i keep traveling this street
i cheat on her with my conscience but it provokes my longing
my longing for all or someone because i deserve more than a piece
and mischief introduced me to grief her bigger sister
my emotions are raging inside me like a churning twister
quicker, though i hope not, i'm sure the flame will flicker
... see, that's where it gets deep even a lil sicker
it may flicker and be out in a wink just like a match
a forest fire may flicker and burn for acres unchecked...
as long as i don't get burned who am i not to play with fire
my winning or loosing will sure come down to the wire
damn... time has expired and the sun sets on my day
but if i'm lucky enough my reach is not limited by the grave
saved only by his grace, i live by those words
instead of doing this alone i should have asked him first

throwback friendships

i miss elementary school when matt hales and i were inseperable and we were too cool for our own well being. if he went somewhere i was there and if i went somewhere he was there. then, he and i used to hang out with dejara jones and be cracking up all day long about how we was gonna set manina's (forgot her last name) dog up because she swore up and down she was gonna sick em on us. the reason whe was mad at us is because we called her dumb for getting caught cheating on a vocabulary quiz but we were just joking... then i've always been cool with kelli foster we went to school together from kindergartend till we graduated high school and now she's at spelman doing her than. me and nick anthony used to wild out in elementary school like nobody's business but we were good kids though. then in 6 grade i met sam (super man/spanky) davis who was a year older than me and kinda took me under his wing and was real cool peeps. i used to be really tight with patricia crapster, caitlin ann thompson, Genlicia edwards, Rico bumpers, Paul wilson, Kellend williams, zachary lucas, jade cunningham, sonya reyes, demetrius hendrix, and so many others that it wasn't even funny and i kinda just cruised throught that then i got to high school and met myea rice... muscles... ol crazy ass. I met arlesia malone in 9th grade but didn't actually talk to her until summer before 11th grade. antoinette james, no relation, was my poetry buddy and we used to go back and fourth but i always felt she had doper material. then i met my ace lb... we was glued to each other from then on. jared haynes and ricky rivers was cool people. then there was daniel more, and quinton beasley who was low lives like me. and then i sold cd's to a gang of folks... maybe i didn't (feds might be reading)... i know i'm missing some but i just thought about this... and june bug don't count because he is def my lil brother and we don't say we friends no more... we blood... it be that way some times... that line kills me the way that he uses it... i guess i'll try to update this list as they come to me... but i'm tapped for the moment!

keep on pushing...

couldn't go to sleep last night and i don't really know why... i was definitely tired enough! i stayed up all night wondering about whether or not i was going to cut my hair. i know i'm over due for at least a line up on both the hair on my head and my facial hair. then i thought maybe i'd try to go a year without a hair cut but i know i would want to get it cut way before a year is up. i' might go tomorrow because i have to find a job. i would like to get one on campus but i'm not sure if that'll work. i have no classes on tuesday and only one lab on thursday my day starts at 10'10 am and ends at 3'20 mwf's and i believe that to be a decent schedule seeing that there were hardly any classes open! now that it's too late for me to actually go to sleep i wonder... just maybe... if i'm going to take things more serioius this year? i mean, there's no class that i can't make an a in if i applied my self and worked to my potential and thats a fact. the thing is what will motivate me to do so? second to my grades i think i'm going to do a lot of working out this year because south's baseball team is pretty good so the gym is like state of the art and all that good stuff and south has a pool! i don't think many people at cu have acutally seen me in the water so i think that the lil fitness nuts would actually be shocked at my aqautic abilities. i love to swim and i couldn't see my self not starting there to get in shape... it works your entire body from your neck to your ankles... even the toes if you do it right! your longs can grow stronger and bigger, your mucles longer and leaner, and you can learn to focus your mind all while enjoying a swim. i've also given it a lot of thought and i've come to the conclusion that it's a wrap on the whole sundae situation. i've come to the conclusion that we'll make good friends and be cool forever and all that good stuff but even if this (whatever it was) happened again and she was really fell for mre i don't think it would be wise to pursue it. Time is definitely a great teacher and i think i'm starting to learn my lessons though it is a little late. i don't mind the whole confusion and frustration but it's the longing for more that's the real problem... if you know all that you have then you don't have much, i heard that from a real life pimp. I think he was kinda right. it's so hard for me not to type sundae into my phone and press the green button but i've reviewed my call log and it wasn't there just now (progress, though it's small)... but we did text back and fourth saturday night and it was a weird ass convo... it started with a dream about her falling and i couldn't catch her... i woke up sweating. she must've have fallen a thousand times and no matter what i did i couldn't catch her. now i'm like oh well, but i bugged me for hours after i woke up. i guess the biggest thing is i wouldn't have thought i'd ever be here. i'd rather be skating on thin ice again laughing the night away with her, talking about what i'd do and all that good stuff that makes a dude smile when he's all by him self... but, as for now...

the slow dance of wisdom

... i can't remember a day when we were not together and no matter how much time passes we never have an uneventful day so to speak. he always wants to lead in every decision we have to make and i assure you his instincts are phenomenal! for the majority of the time i sit back and enjoy the ride and i love it...however, sometimes i have to make decisions because he just doesn't see the big picture. when its a big decision i let him react and then i assess the situation and we make a final decision that is best for the team. you see, he, the heart, can be overly passionate and its my, the mind, job to make sense of the situation and put things into perspective for the team. so i guess it's a slow dance. now keep in mind that we all were placed her and had nothing but our instincts and then our mind developed and we could begin to make better decisions. whether it was learned behaviors or instincts we modified to help fit our modern world we began to use the mind more and more as time went on. you can't have wisdom without experience and thats one of the facts of life. you do somethings that you'll blame the heart for, or you'll blame me for and that's the way the cookie crumbles but you make sure you learn from it so when you see it again you'll know what not to do. you don't always find out what to do, but i promise you'll find out what things not to do when it comes to life. learning what not to do by experience, and putting it into action in your life is what i call wisdom. If you see someone doing something that leads them to experience something that you want no part of then learn from their mistakes as well. you should let your vision wonder and not only be limited to your life because you don't live in a world alone! this whle life thing is a slow dance of wisdom, i'm sure of it! think about it in a slow dance you have to feel your partner out and learn their tendencies and then you have to learn to love their tendencies, both the good and the bad. Never forget to take your time also because the only place living things are guranteed to go to is where dead things already are and that's the cold hard truth yall... i don't wanna take up any more of your time cause it's too precious but remember to take your time and enjoy the music while you slow dance.

No huddle offense

it's pretty much a new beginning for me... nothing's going right and thats fine because i'm not the worrying type but i do feel like everything's out of order. i asked god a question a long time ago and i think i got my answer today. i asked what was it that i was supposed to be doing here on earth and i've interpreted the answer as to being come to me and i'll show you. the thing is i'm having the hardest time taking the first step. i'm not scared or anything like that but somethings holding me back. i guess i've always wanted to do things on my own but he has other plans and believe me when i tell you that my life has come to a screeching halt... maybe he was trying to get my attention earlier and i wasn't paying attention but i am now... i've literally let a lot of things go for now. anything that i wanted i have no desire for it, none! it's crazy because i told lb i'm done with women and he asked where did it all come from and i kinda gave him a slighted answer but he should read this in a morning (sup homie). it's time to listen to my father, do his will, and be happy to do it because i know that i won't have anything i desire until i do. and on top of that now that i look back i'm gonna tell yall a few things.

i've always...

1. been bright
2. been able to remember faces
3. been a natural leader
4. had a way with words
5. been able to brighten up a room
6. been looked up to by friends
7. been sought for advice
8. been able to speak and write really well

the more i thought about it the more i began to realize that god didn't give me these tools to be idol and do nothing with. and he didn't train me so well so that i could work the other team either... i guess it's an opening on the starting roster and he won't take no for an answer... i think when i die i wanna be able to say that i have absolutely no talent left and i've used my skills all up and passed my knowledge on to the next generation... i think that would be very pleasing to him from which all life flows...( and i'll try to remain as much of the doug yall love as he allows me to be)

hello to the one if

my homie deuce debonair got a beat that is sampled from lionel ritchie's hello song and it starts off like

" i've been along with you in side my mind
and in my dreams i've kissed your lips a thousand times
i sometimes see you pass outside my door.
Hello, is it me you're looking for..."

when it says that my verse starts and it's the answer to the question that he asks...

i woulda said yes, but our situation's different
when we aint talking on the phone it feels like something's missing
maybe i'm just pushing you away but i pray for the day when i can say
that i love and adore you, i still want some more of you
kinda like a buffet, but one of only sundae
wrestle, kiss, and play i'll do most of what you say
and all of what i feel, doubt nothing about these feelings that i feel
and i'm oh so for real like that group from the 90's
my motivations are more than just going for your undies
i know that i can be a dummy or even kinda bummy
but i swear i imagine you laying on my tummy
telling me about your day, and how things did not go your way
and me telling you that that's the way ...
it be some time ...
and though i don't like to press rewind i know it's not my time
but when it is i hope that i'll wanna say the same things i'm saying this day just like (like echoes three times)

and the beat comes back in saying hello. i meant it all but the last part is the only if there is to the whole situation.the beat is so smooth that i don't wanna come wack on it and my homies are forcing me to get it perfect for the album. then we got more songs in the work like southern summer time, and cocaine... i'm gonna have to take this serious because we have an album and a mixtape in production right now and i personally want them to be bumping in peoples ipods by november and i know we can make that happen. then i'm still trying to think of imaginative ways to make this comic thing work with an eye full of sand and i'm still wanting to put together a poetry book and a short story and i know that's kinda ambitious but to be hones i'm kinda inspired by p. diddy... the man doesn't sleep and he's a business version of the phrase "renassaince man" which basically means someone who is good at everything that he does... i know i have the potential to be like that but i haven't been pushed hard enough... BY ME.. no one else can make me work to my potential and if i wanna life the luxurious life that i have in my head then the grind starts right here and right now... i don't have to be president of the world to help my country i can do it in other ways and the more i watch the political race that's going on now the less i want people putting my family in front of the lens so i might not dow it but i do want to be a lawyer still and i think it'll be cool because i know i can still do what it is that i really have a passion for and thats helping people... and i think i know what i want for real. i want a woman who is beautiful, smart, hard-working, witty, has a good sense of humor, chases her dreams, believes in god, and wants me as much as i want her... i think thats about it.

"ka-boom"

thurday night i was chilling with dungeon royalty and yall better believe we got some hot songs in development for yall to enjoy. deuce debonair (producer) is killing the beats like never before, he's got his own flavor and you can't help but respect the man's skills. anyway, we been spitting in the cypher and we been laying down tracks for the album and the mixtape... i got one song and it's unoffial title is "sundae talk" aka "chocolate silk and vanila moons" (lb calls it that). it's hard to record a track just right where you will get your audience to feel what you feel and get all the emotion and what not into a track. the one time i got it right, lb and duece was laughing and i stopped because i know the mic picked it up... i wasn't even mad, i was just tired for real. i don't know how many songs i'ma be on but i know that mob-illie of port city is killing it from now on. i guess i'ma get the spitters together from claflin and put a mixtape together called "cu spitting" i think it has potential as long as max is on it. thursday me and lb got jumped by two particular people and i don't wanna say no names but they did not show they're faces fri because lb told them that he was gonna puch em right in they face and i said i was gonna drown them i a 2 and 1/2 foot inflatable pool. i seriously had no energy to fight back. then... when i called up a certain someone else they said they wouldn't help me out either. aint that bout a trick, i couldn't get good back up to save my life thurday! thanks a lot! but naw for real, i had fun. Fri, i didn't do much but i remember going to the mall, starbucks, and lb house again. trying to lay down some tracks meeting some new, interesting people... big greg, deuce, and seeing killer cam, ezra (tray), and some chick who quickly broke my golden rule: thou shall not invade doug's personal space! but it's cool cause i let her have her moment but when it was over i had to let her know not to touch me... lb was waiting for me to say something because he was laughing the whole time she was touching me and my face had to be doing something cause he was cracking up on the sofa.

the whole sundae situation is still kinda bugging me but not in a bad way. the decions have been made and all that stuff and i'm like whatever at this point because i think everybody who reads my blog know whats up... but i got a text message thurday night that just like put me on cruise control to everything around me and thats all i could really think about... where i'll always return to, i could infer why you'd wanna be there but don't tell me things like that if you don't mean it homie. i can't even listen to stuff like that and believe it cause i know i'll end up in a psych ward or something. so as a result of you not being able to trust the thing that sustains your being alive i'm just living and doing me and i hope you do the same.

i never liked novacaine

what i don't want... hmm, i guess is to go numb. think about it yall, for those of you who know me, what if i was a numb person, like feeling wise. what if i only laughed out because someone else was experiencing something bad? what if people spoke to me and i didn't speak back or even acknowledged them? what if i did what most niggers do, get girls to have sex with me and then toss them aside? what if i always asked for stuff as opposed to working hard to earn it? what if peopole said no and i took what i wanted? what if people asked me for help and i gave them none... see what i'm getting at? i have a lot that i think about because i've thought about being the person most people would consider the asshole. thought about it but won't do it... better yet i can't do it. It's not my role to play. i always think to myself what is it that i'm supposed to be doing here on earth. i mean if i were another person, what would i see in Doug j.? how am i perceived by others... i'd really like to hear the worse of the worse first though because i know that i have work to do as far as improving on me. i don't deny it but i'm cool with it because i know i'm human. then i'd like to hear from the people who talk to me the most. i wanna know who thinks i'm cool and who doesn't. all of that plays through my head. i can't tell you how many times i see my self strolling through the kitchen in my home, telling my kids to stop running as they whiz by me, and saying something sweet (in my own crazy way) as i pour a glass of orange juice for myself. the thing is i'll never get to that point if i go numb... i'm just sure of it... (whistles a lil tune that's made up on the fly)

yall tell me what does a river, a torch, and i have in common? think before you answer (leaving it to your imaginations is more of a mind stimulation).

tuesday

had a good time yesterday! i slept until i felt like waking up. i ate something but it was light (don't quite remember what). then i got a call asking if i were home... of course! so i scooped up by the two wives and we went to the mall so that they could go bikini shopping. I was the dude who they modeled for but it was kinda boring sitting in that chair for 20 mins. but it paid off... anyway we went around the mall looking for... well, i don't really know but we spent like 4 hours in the mall. we got some lil fruit smoothies and we was all holding hands, it was kinda funny. girls in the mall were looking at me like how the hell this dude got two girls and it was kinda funny because one girl gave me a look like i could be the trey on your line! we finally left there and came back to the house and no one was home but my dad. so they stayed for a lil bit then they jetted... g is the lil debbie fiend! i don't think i like her like that anymore... the whole time yesterday was happening i just didn't feel like this would be cool if i we were anything but friends. i guess i just gotta find that one i can't live without and can't be friends with. i'm not really looking but i woulnd't mind bumping into her. i could be someone i already know or someone i don't... it doesn't really matter.

AND...

by all means, do you!

you were born an original so don't die a copy-- shay mcphail

i don't plan to! so whats up with me being me when it looks so damn cool to be everyone else? i'll tell you and i hope you understand it. when they say that the grass looks greener on the other side they mean it, it just looks that way. Might even be better some of the time, however, it might give you diarrhea, heart burn, and it might even make you just throw it all back up. you have to do what works for you and no one else. for all your effort you put in trying to do what you see and not what you feel, you'll spend twice as much time regretting it. i wear a size 13 1/2 and even though i think 10's look cool they just don't fit so i don't trip on what is because i want it to be different...

what i mean is, i want her but i can't have her... pt 2... that's what i mean

"seeking brings about answers, waiting brings about solutions"--LeBaron Thornton

my homie had this as his fb status and i couldn't help but (i would say sleep on it but i haven't been able to) ponder this phrase. the more i thought about it the more i wanted to take it and make it my own lil phrase. you see, i'm one of those people who wants the specifics so that i can know and not guess. they don't lie when they say that assumptions are the mothers of all fuk ups... i don't assume much but i infer sometimes. then, when something starts to bug me i just ask. and that's where the seeking brings about answers part comes in. the thing is people only give you the answers they're comfortable with giving you. if they don't feel like telling you the truth they won't do it. not saying they will lie but they will try to get around answering it. and i myself notice these things and i either tell them that i understand or play dumb like i took the bait... it depends on the situation at hand. however, i hate not knowing. i hate when people are indecisive because i've been known to tell truths that are hard for people to accept, like, or to understand how it is what it is. sometimes i'd rather just not address the situations but that makes it fester in my mind and i end up approaching the situation with the wrong... tone... if you will. a great guy named ronnie rice told me once that tone is everything; how you talk to people will definitly affect how they respond to you. i took it to heart because i respect his work ethic and he's been to where i'm trying to go. the thing is, by nature, i'm a seeker. i research words to find hidden meanings, i analyze conversations looking for clues, and i replay actions in my head to come up with god knows what so that i can make sense of the people around me. i'm am so critical when things don't go my way. i don't think i'm better than anyone, but i pay attention to detail and i guess you could say that i impose my fantasy world's laws onto reality. a place where everthing is logical and needs no room for interpretations. and at the same times i speak in metaphors to myself while talking to others. when my mom asked me what did i want to eat today i said i could use a sundae... and she said something, and i was like i'm sure i wouldn't want anything else. but the fact is i see unappreciated keepers and that makes them all the more precious to me. first they are def keepers, then i see that they are not being treated accordingly and that shit does something to me and i be like i have to show them that all males are not men and that we're still out here. think what you want but when i like a girl she knows it and she feels it. i mean she'll never guess where i stand and she knows that affections waits. and while affection waits, i will not. one day i'll just wake up and they won't matter as much in that way because i guess my mind has a kill switch for poeple who doesn't see what it is that's happening. a lot of people think that there is only one true love out there for them but i don't think it's the case, i think anyone could love anyone else but they have to be pure and set what they want aside from what they need because what they need will turn out to be what they wanted. it's hard to communicate better than that because thats exzctly what i wanted to say. an example is when people say that they want money. instead they get what they need, which is to be broke for a while, so that when they get money they'll know what to do with it so that they won't be broke anymore... something like that anyway... as far as the waiting goes i don't do that very well. AT ALL because 9/10 i know what i want but i don't want to make anyone else uncomfortabe and when i see that they are i'll try to stop... and i've gotten better at that if you can believe that. however, my mind and my heart go to war on the daily! i don't even care anymore because i tend to either take action or don't... it's that simple. do yall seriously think that i'm a cool level headed guy... hahahahaha! my mind and my heart set booby traps for each other in hopes to assassinate the other and thats where the arguing and attacking goes on for the most part. between those two i be too spent to be rude and talk bad to others because i've done it so much to my self already and thats the way it is. i do all the arguin and fighting in me so that no one else has to ... i feel underappreciated a lot, but it's fine because people have to learn the hard way. in no way am i doing people favors by liking them but i do feel like i said in one of my earlier posts i'm one of the best to do it... and now i'm like fuck it again! and i don't know if i really wanna feel like that because i still like her but i can't free her, only she can. maybe there's nothing that she needs to be freed from but she knows better than anyone else. like i told you, i want you to be happy for ever and never be sad and have to cry a day again... word! so i guess i should wait for the solutions to come but i guess by moving so much they can't find me. lb might have me on this one! what do yall think about all of my thoughts... cause in my mind it's impeftectly perfect logic!

what i mean is, i want her but i can't have her... pt 1... that's what i mean

well, i haven't been to sleep yet and that could be a problem cause i got cam today! i just went through a lot of blog posts because i'm trying to think of something dope, i have titles in my head of all the things that were said, but instead of dope shit i get weakness instead... damn! who am i to force hotness? i'm telling writer's block to let it go cause i got this, at least i think i do! if this post was a mic, i know that i'd be trying to rock this, if it were a mixtape i'd want everyone to HAVE to tell they friends go coupe this (they pronounce it "cop" in da hood). madness? i should stop this? madness would be your girl cleaning my room topless... i had to. and i'm kinda glad dude, cause just a moment ago it was only bad news. now i know more, i guess timing was on my side. i drank enough liquor last night to leave an irish on his back side. try it, make it your new diet. i'm a fiend i need words like cars need tires. however, reading this post back most of my rhymes are elementary and maybe the whole theme is a lil slippery, but i don't care! cause when it come to doing things i don't think i just DARE.

you should dare also. while i'm daring, i don't think about who's caring cause actions speak louder than words, i guess you could say that mine are blaring; better yet daring. Daring to be heard, knowing they are unappreciated, and accepting they will fall into the right hands one day so they don't mind being inclusive rather then exclusive; given as gifts not figured to be elusive... like the theme of this post. if i'm your friend then the the best in the world, is what you could boast (in my mind but others might thin toast)... and that real! what i mean... what i mean, well what the hell is is that i mean? that's for you to guess and for me to disclose to those who are moved enough to keep in touch, who makes my mind and soul erupt... i guess being a bum allows me to often say to much.... to much... to much. burning with passion, i am! even though for the moment, i'm cold to the touch

i know you're out there somewhere

i'm not having a good day so far... I'm fucking depressed for the moment. i'm sad, i'm frustrated, i'm pissed, i'm a whole bunch of things that have negative connotations and this is where martin surfaces and i let him take over but fuck him and the horse that he rode in on! this gotta be like a nightmare or something but i know that it's not, and i really don't believe i'm in the matrix so... but at the same time i keep going through the same situation over and over again and it's crazy because when i say i know whats coming i really do. i just took the iniative and said it as opposeed to letting them make all of the moves this time.