easier said than done

i was supposed to stop talking to sudae in "that" way since summer school started... that was in june! now that august is upon me i find my self in a deeper whole than i started off in. this is the truth and i know i might say different... but, she matters! TONS! i don't want her to matter to me like that but she does. i don't wanna get hurt but i might. i don't wanna feel pain, but i'm probably going to. the thing is i know that it's nothing compared to what i've already endured. like lebron and kobe are beasts at basketball, i'm a beast at handling problems and emotions. so much so i often try and get my friends to vent to me because i know that i'll never get tired of hearing they're problems and trying my best to point them in the right direction. helping people is like trying to save a soul, you can't do it for them but you can put em on the right track...

question; who's gonna point me in the right direction? who's gonna listen to my problems? who's gonna never get tired of listening to me? to be honest i've always said things out loud to no one in particular but only parts of what i was saying actually came out of my mouth. that's why you might catch me staring through someone, the tv, or just off in space mouthing words like i'm possessed or something but i'm really talking to who ever it is that listens. now that i think about it, i'm really talking to god, i talk to him like i would one of my family members or my friends because i believe him to be both. i know that he has a sense of humor because i have one and i'm made in his image. i don't wanna get to far off track but i had to put that in

with any person that i think i might like, once i go for it i don't like to go backwards. if i start to go backwards that means that i went through the stress (sorry sundae but admit this one could cause a gray hair) and\ or efforts to make progress with that person and now i'm canceling it all out. THAT'S NOT WHAT'S HOT IN THE STREETS PEOPLE!!! i don't operate like that and i don't pretend to. so in my mind everyone works like that and i have to get out of that mind set because that's not the case. i want to know what that person is thinking because that eliminates all of the guess work. i'm willing to talk about everything because talking about stuff is half of getting situations resolved and not talking about em is just crazy. i don't like being left out of what you're thinking because if they ask me they know i'm gonna tell em what i'm thinking, or what i'm feeling and all that good stuff. no sense in feeling so much and not telling em that you are. some one told me that they wanted a guy just like me, but just not me... and that's the dumbest shit i ever heard in my life (no disrespect intended, but say it out loud and then tell me it passed the common sense test). so i guess what i'm getting at is that no matter what people say i repect actions over words 24-7... that's just what it is. i like this rollercoaster that i'm ridding but i care where i get off and how the ride ends... i think about it a lot and it's something that's a priority and not an option right now!

i was taking a shower earlier when i was trying to see how i could express my secret to my confidence to others and i think that i want to share my perspective on confidence with yall. To me, confidence is acknowledging that you are self conscience aboout certain things about your self but being cool with it because you know that the people... not the ones that matter to you... but the ones YOU MATTER TO will still like/love you anyway because they love you for who you are and not for what others hope or want you to become! if you can find peace with your self and love yourself and try to better your self slowly but surely you can't really go wrong and i try to reflect that when i talk to people... i know that i don't do and say the right things all the time and i'm no angel but i do think that i'm a person that can be respected by my peers, my elders, and those who are my junior. i'm trying to show the world one person, one way of life, one blog at a time... what are you doing?

An Eye Full of Sand

(time thinking to himself)
now that i've gotten old and gray my life decides to fall apart. you could call it karma but i don't believe in that. I think that it may be revenge or even money... more than likely, revenge. you see i'm an older guy who's watch his life pass him by while he was hard at work, Killing for money! not random killings either, i was the guy paid to make examples out of people. my work is both revered and despised. revered by anyone who wants to take up the trade and despised by all who doesn't have anything to do with the world it surrounds. when i was young and foolish i thought that people were more different than alike but as i've gotten older i've began to realize that we're all more alike than different. the most different thing about people is our methods... and our fingerprints. ha! they called me "time" because that's what i robbed people of! But this is just the surface, i made my biggest mistake the day before i became an assassin, and that's why i'm in the situaion i'm in now. most people work for some one, but i... i used to work for something! yea, it's crazy how it all started but i'm gonna make it really is simple how it's gonna end. I'm gonna do what i do best and kill it!

randomness

i was riding around my city with the chevy, disrespecting the silence because that's what's hot to me right now world. i do it quite often because i don't sleep that well when i'm at home (or anywhere else) but i'll sleep till the moon rises unless someone needs me to do something or wants me to chill with them and then i'll wake up and take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, and pick my hair out because i'm kinda growing my hair! i prefer to chill with people who are goofy like me, but you can actually have a good conversation with and they kinda know what's going on around them. Then, i love, i mean love, to chill with my fam because they do so much for me and remind me of why i need to work hard and achieve the most that i possibly can. I try to give the ones younger than me someone to look up to and i always tell them that they can do anything they want to, just go for it! at the same time some of them say they wanna be like me and i tell them you're you, not me, and that i want them to be better than me in every way... i hope they listen. there's one that's like anaikan skywalker because his potential is enormous and i keep a keen eye on him because he's so much like me, but he wasn't raised like me. to be honest, he grew up around hustlers and thugs, amongst other things, and my sister didn't put him in his place like i think she should have. that's why he is the way he is. he'll give you his last if you need it and he's a nice guy when he wants to be but i just feel like he's gonna end up dead or in jail before he's 21! he's 16... i hope that's not the case yall. he used to build the most creative things you can imagine with a bucket of legos and i think... he even built a scaled down version of the mansion he wanted when he was like 11. i was sure that he was going to go into engineering or architecture... but i don't know what's he's gonna do now. anyway, time will tell.

"I love you,i'll never let you go"

I came up with this little story right before my senior year in high school and during that time i was just experiencing a lot and i thought i was gonna die if things didn't turn out my way and i wrote dozens of poems, stories, thoughts and all that good stuff but i liked this one... i can't find the original but this rewrite should be really close... here goes

an older guy had decided that he would surprise his wife and do something different this night so he packed a blanket and a bottle of wine into the truck. he then asked his wife to take a drive with him and of course she said that she would. he drove a familiar route to one of their old get away spots high onto the mountain. when he arrived at the spot he spread the blanket on the hood of the car and helped his wife onto it and uncorked the wine and poured two cups... the view was breath taking! the city was like little christmas lights upon a beautiful black canvas. The moon hid itself from view that night but that just gave the starts an opportunity to shine brighter than usual and they did just that. now they were talking and reminiscing on the bluff of this mountain when a terrible chain of events began... the truck's breaks stopped working and the man wasn't as quick as he had been in his youth so he couldn't stop the truck and his wife definitely was brave and jumped from the hood. however she rolled about an inch to far and rolled right over the edge of the cliff but the man lept forward and barely caught her wrist. he was sliding forward and couldn't really stop himself. he tried to tell his wife that everything would be alright but his eyes betrayed him to the highest degree. the wife smiled the same smile that had captured the man's heart in high school and asked
"do you remember our first kiss honey?"
and the man replied "yes, it was at the drive in and i told you that i loved you , and that i'd never let you go"
as he said this he slid forward and half of is body was over the cliff and the situation that was already bad had gotten so much worse in a matter of moments.
she asked "and do you remember the day that we were married?
he answered yes "i told you that i'd love you for all eternity and that i'd never let you go"
no matter how hard the man tried he could not pull his wife back up to him no matter how hard he tried
and she said with tears streaming down her face "i love you, u know this, but this time you have to let me go"

moving mountains

ever thought about doing something and you just didn't think you could do it? something that meant a lot to you but maybe no one else could see what you could? Then, you think how the hell will i move this mountain? i will tell you but it's common sense. You do it the same way you do anything else... pick a starting point and start moving. If you've ever done something hard or tedious you know that as you go along you'll try different methods of working until you find one that works the best for you and thats how you move mountains. But here comes the twist... as you know life always has these... now that you've started to move this mountain and you see that it will be no easy task you might start wondering why you're working your self to death trying to get this task completed. it all comes down to if you believe that the work you're doing is worth the results you're working towards. Let's say that you decide that the work is worth the work that you've put in... what's really on the other side of the mountain? What is it that's driving you to move something that? Time is constant yet relative... will what ever you were working so hard to get to still be there when you look up one day and that mountain is no more? thats something you need to consider. have you ever thought that the mountain you were moving was one of those rare things in nature that captivated what ever it was that you were trying to get to? what i really want you to think about is whether you'd mind if all of your efforts go unrewarded will it change the person you are?

[Fam]tastic Day

i spent the past day with my lil nephew cameron... aka killer cam... aka taz. my brother asked me to babysit sunday night and of course i told him i would because he gives me everything i ask for and then some. I was awakend by my bro ddwayne (wayne) asking me if i wanted him to put cam in the bed with me at around 7am and i said yes because i knew that cam would wake me up when he woke up. i was wrong, i woke up at 9am and he was just lying there staring at me with those sincere eyes of his. he's two years old, and he'll be three in december. he can speak very well for his age and seems to be a bright lil guy and that makes me happy because i'm kinda bright my self... anyway, the first thing i asked him was if he had to use the restroom and of course he did. we did that and then i fixed him some strawberry oat meal and i gave him a lil bit of coffee... i always give him coffee even though i know he doesn't need it. he didn't wanna take a shower or a bath so i left him watching tv on the couch while i did (he can take care of him self and he will listen if you tell him to do something... like sit on the and don't move) so we got dresed for the day... i had every intention of going to my homie laura's grand mother's funeral but it just did not happen and thats the way life happens sometimes. we ended up going to my aunt ruth's house to see how she was doing and she was doing fine. She hasn't seen cam in months as was surprised at how much he had grown (as was i when i got back in may from claflin). My cousins were home gloria, and her oldest daughter toya was home. toya had jasmine (hope thats how she spells it) with her and she's so cute... she looks just like her momma and she's one of those happy babies who doesn't stop smiling and laughing and staring at you in your eyes. we left from down there and went to sherri's house and cam and kate, sherri's daughter played for like 2 hours straight. Toya came on over a little after me and we were all talking about my blog because they read it faithfully and were probably disappointed when they woke up because i was supposed to had done this around midnight..(((what's popping cuzins))).. we ordered pizza from papa john's but they ignored our order for 50 mins then called us to tell us they ignored our order for 50 mins and they weren't close to being busy. SO... MY CUZ SHERRI PROMPLY CANCELLED THAT ORDER, MADE SURE SHE DIDN'T GET CHARGED FOR IT, AND WE ATE CHINESE... the egg roles were dope as always. Cam ate til he couldn't, he had been eating junk all day and the chinese did not help... we came back to the house after that and about 20 mins later i took him home. He fell asleep in the car, i looked back at him at a red light and he was passed out slumped to the side breathing heavily... i took my time coming back to reflect on my day and ended up at starbucks where i ordered my usual vinti iced white mocha. the coffee was scorched but i didn't care because i don't get to have them often when i'm at school! While i was at my cousin sherri's house i got an interesting text...
it was made out to be nothing... but everything we say or do is based on some thought we're either fighting or embracing. Let that marinate folks. And i just wanna say that I'm pissed that the grass in my back yard is taller than me in some spots and my dad acts like it just got that way when i came home!

m.i.a.

i have to get some things straight... so it's deuces for now world!

it's really hard writing a song that you want to be right but i'm trying

i could tell you all a story
one, that you would not believe
she said it was autmn
she could tell by the color of the leaves
they whispered of the change to come
i had no idea it was for me
i tried to fight the feelings
but they washed over me


to be continued

Life is a real beach

I know that you think i misspelled the word but i really didn't... i went to the beach with my brother and his gf, ashley, and my nephew cameron... aka killer cam! We're over here in gulf breeze, fl and we've had quite a day... we woke up around 9 and went to the beach and played out there for hours... we swam out into the waves and let the salt water catch us off guard when it hit us in the mouth. we would go into the water right where we could barely stand and just jump when the waves got close enough. the sun was half behind the clouds which meant that it wasn't hurting our eyes and there was very little, but mostly no wind and thats a good thing. HOWEVER, the jelly fish were out in full force... we kept bumping into schools of them and running. they were swimming swiftly through the shallow waters. But it was cool. I covered most of my body in sand and was trying to do that captain morgan pose but the waves kept pushing me over so i just stopped trying! My hair curled up, like a bad s-curl or something... but all in all i had fun. Then me and my brother took our tied compadres back to the hotel and we went to chili's and i had ribs, a burger, chips and salsa, and black berry tea... my bro had egg rolls, chicken tenders, and blackberry tea as well... and we stuffed and went back to the telly for a nap. Then we all went down to the pool so that my brother could get his "money's worth"... and he was hell bent on everybody getting in the water so we didn't wanna murder him so we all got wet again. now we back in the room and they looking for the diretions to walmart... and i'm on the phone with Sundae!
Sundae!
Sundae!
Sundae!
i guess i'm going to walmart with the gang... holler at yall later world. Deuces

home run

how many of you watch baseball? well i really don't but i've seen my friends pitch a couple of pretty interesting pitches but my favorite is the curve ball. a lot of people say that you can't see around the curve but tell that to the guy who does... what i mean is this. the curve ball is my favorite because just when you think that it's not in the strike zone it will come zooming back in from any and every angle and past right over the plate... it can drop into the strike zone, it can curve into the strike zone form either the left or the right. it's a work of art if you can manage to have control of it. fast or slow it's just effective... UNLESS, there is a batter who knows just what the pitcher knows. that batter knows that you don't try to see where the ball is going, it's where it comes from, because the point of origin is what really matters, and you only have so much time to determine if it's a good pitch or not and even less time to determine if you should even swing... but those few who have it down can hit home runs everytime... Home run, i like the sound of that. It's a real momentum shifter, no matter what the game looks like at any point, a home run provides hope for those who need it and you never know when it's going to happen. you just look forward to a glimpse of a real life home run!

1st place goes to Dougie

just got off the phone with sundae and i'm feeling like there's no way to win! however, when there's a will there's a way, and i am willing to wager that all of my life i've been willing to make others happy. I'm starting down a road where i won't go back on my word... now i know that you may be thinking "well, what's your word this time?" my words are: i'm going to try and make me happy. this isn't the most certain decision i've ever made but i have to look my self in the mirror and i don't want to be one of the many people who do that and see someone they don't recognize any more. It would have been easy to walk away from this entire situation and just chalked it up to me being too damn friendly, but it's not that. It's something more than that... at least it is to me! That's all that matters (well not completely). i ask questions that do not require answers because i just want you to think and ponder because that's how i spend all of my day. i try to block her out but to no avail and that's part of why i like her so much. She is the reason why i've made my mind up to worry about Douglas Martin James first. The guy who has decided to be his own Douglas, as opposed to trying to live up to my fathers' name; the guy who has decided to aim high so that even if he fails it won't be bad because he knew it was a high target to hit from the beginning; the Man who chose not to let the one thing that makes him the happiest right now go without even fighting for it! I've chosen to try to be the guy that makes you grin when you think of something i've said, that makes you smile when you here my voice, that makes you never want to get of the phone, that makes you want to take road trips to Mobile, the Man that makes you happy! All i can do is try, and u know my motto: Do you! If i'm not him, i'll be elated for you when you do meet him or when he finally realizes your worth... either way, I'll still be your dougie. yea, i'm kinda putting me out there and it's quite relieving! I have a freeze frame of her smile in my head and that's what comes to mind when someone says her name or my phone rings and jay-z's "i know" plays...

oh boy

i know i don't make things easy, but admit it's been cool
we speak about wagers, but i wouldn't wanna loose you
we keep discussing the obvious, do you agree? true
so i've been thinking that even though there is history, nothing should be between me and you

i'm willing to pay the stated price, it's a bargain at the most
because if they really knew your worth, they would have never let you go
how would telling him go? i really don't know?
i'm thinking he might not like it, but AND...SO!

i woke up this morning, with a smile on my face

to what do i owe this feeling, not a though or it's trace

maybe i know the answer, but i didn't want to say

3 scoops, some toppings, it must've been sundae

lost

well world, lately i can't focus and i'm just not caring like i used to. This is not good because it's affecting my school work, social life, and family life. I just don't care, i need to sit down and examine what's wrong. I started bugging me last night because i was talking to sundae and up until last night i thought that if i had a girlfriend that'll make everything better but that's really not it. i think i'm supposed to be learning a life lesson and i don't know if i'm getting it. i don't think i've done anything to deserve a downfall just yet plus i'm not "high" in life so i wouldn't fall far anyway. the fact that i'm acknowledging something's wrong is the first step. i'm a sophmore in college and i want to be a lawyer but at the rate i'm going i don't think i'm gonna make it... i might need to switch my major to biology or something. don't get it twisted i still wanna work with my state's government and get shit together in Mobile, Al and move on to bigger and bettter things, but right now i have to help my self. or maybe, if i just started helping others that'll help me help my self... i'm lost and i need a light to follow. But just because there is a light doesn't mean it's a good one to follow so i have to be careful... God help me now!

if i could i would

i'd would definitly rip my heart out right now and leave it in my foot locker right now... like davey jones from pirates of the caribbean! What irony, the thing that physically sustains your life hurts you the most... aint that a bitch! no, really, it is!

Had to be the worse sunday in history for me so far

My friend sundae and i have broken up again, even though we never went together and i think it's really over this time. In the last two weeks we've broken up three times. we keep asking each other questions we didn't want to know the answer to but we wanted the other party to know what it was that we were thinking though. WELL, last night we started answering some of those questions and the answers were straight but just not conducive to progress between us two. i'm at the point where things are not looking up and they're not looking down but i really do want more. And on top of the fact that she's cute as hell, she's quite intelligent with a serious work ethic. what more could a guy really want? For my few close friends who really know me, they know i won't even seriously talk to a girl unless she's something really special... and the fact that she's letting a big "what if" stop her is mind boggling to me. *** I acknowledge that the situation is very complex*** however, we could easily get this whole thing resolved with just one more question... "do you mind if...?" thats all it would take and it would be like a yes or no type situation. I'm bout to cry (not really but i am very sad and disappointed and frustrated, and all those emotions that come with a break up...even though i haven't had a relationship with a soul to be having a break up...(curse words yelled emphatically here)). but her and i breaking up isn't even the whole thing. one of my aunts died this past weekend from a heart attack... yep, i know right! If i had an ounce of coke i'd probably od right now! I have to try to keep all of this comical in my head because if i don't handle these situations this way i'll probably break down and cry for real! Not saying that there's anything wrong with crying, it's just the fact that this is final week in summer school and i have some studying to do and i have work to make up because i'm a sickly child (wink)! Just pray a prayer for me if you read this world, and pray one for my family too. Thanks in advance!

nothing into something

i don't know what to type to day yall, so i'm just winging it. i have nothing that's just jumping outta my head but i didn't wanna neglect my blog any longer; basically i just wanted to post something, even if it had no substance and that's exactly what this is... I should be in columbia by the fourth and back in oburg during the fourth so i can go party with them oh so pretty boys of kappa alpha psi! Yo. just wanted to give them boys a shout out... cause they always throw some party where the girlies come half naked and who can really be mad at that... i don't want em, i just want a dance from em! There will probably be some nupe juice in circulation and bet money that my tounge won't be red. anyway, i don't know what we're going to do in columbia i just know my homie was like let's take a trip and i was like keep me posted so i could be ready... he was gonna do it next weekend but i'd probably be gone already plus he has things to do also, so he was like we could probably do it thursday... (Sundae... What's really good? i know your prior engagement but can u make time for a true G?) Hopefully i'll see a friend and hopefully i'll see someone brand new (colts quarterback) and that would be cool too. Well, i gotta go do a whole lot of nothing or maybe a little bit of something... i might take a nap real talk! well world... be easy and never let no one do you sleezy! i know that was corny but what are you really gonna do about it? exactly!