quickie (not that way)

whattup world, just coming by to drop this drive by blog... and i'm gonna make this quick because i've strained both my left and right shoulders and arms and it hurts to type. i stayed up all night thursday to tighten my own dreads because my the girl that does my hair obviously didn't want to do them, and everyone thought i just got my hair done again... which is good... and my dreads are getting longer, i guess it's a summer thing (my life usually gets intense over the summer for some reason every since high school... might be my hormones). then travis, junebug, and i was on some bacrdi rum gold... and i knew i was in trouble when june bug had a lil bit and he was buzzing because he has a high tolerence for liq. so i took about 3 shots and that was it for me because it tasted like a blend of ligtning and ass. i quickly chased it with some coke soda and proceeded to sit back and enjoy my buzz. travis kept trying to get me to drink more but i wasn't going for it. him and june bug were zooted (a lil drunk but still able to function, not completely wasted).and we were cracking up because junebug kept semi-passing out... and i remembe travis kept leaning on the wall laughing. i was quite tired from being up all night the night before and i was slowly fading the whole time... i was talking with them with my eyes closed before i blacked out from fatigue... they did wake me up to let me know they were leaving. i had fun yesterday, i woke up at like 2 and ended up catching game two where lebron made that game winning shot... been up all night and not really sleepy but i might just go ahead and lay down just because. but i think i really might have strained my arms and shoulder doing my hair for so long... and it's all YOUR fault, you know who you are

mouth full

what's up world? it's me, again, still listening to kanye's 808's and heartbreaks! i think i'm becoming weary a little bit. it's like i'm actually tired of being me. it's like i just wanna be my complete opposite for a day just to see what would happen but i can't man, i know i would say and do some outrageous things like never before... and i think i'm getting writer's block. i'm having a hard time coming up with lyrics and developing my stories. to be honest it might be that i spend so much time sleeping and when i do get up i don't really want to do anything. i haven't been reading a lot of imaginative literature in the last year either so that could be part of the problem that i can actually work on. as far as the music thing goes, i can write some dope stuff but i'm not the best at delivering it so i'm thinking about taking a serious time out on it until i feel better about it. i've been working on my delivery for a while, and while i've made some improvement i just feel like it's still not to the level i would like it to be. then there's the whole girlfriend issue... one day my good griend g asked me when i was gonna get a girlfriend and i told her that i wouldn't tell her when i did because she was over protective. then laura asked when me and g was getting married and kept telling laura g goes with her cousin because she does... and on top of that i haven't like g beyond the realm of being friends for a looooonnnnng time now. then the next day i went to my brother's house and he asked me what type of girls i liked because he was going to find me a girlfriend and a job because he wasn't going to pay for all my dates. so i'm glad (and amused) i got worried loved one but i've never really needed a girlfriend to feel like a normal guy. right now i'm just looking for cool females i could chill with on a non sexual vibe. someone that's willing to meet me half way in whatever type of friendship/relationship no matter what we choose to do. i gotta admit i've been thinking about a girlfriend every since the sundae situaiton came up last year. i don't even know what that was, but it was fun, it was intense, it was like having the best appetizer possible but there was no main course or desert... exactly!!! safe to say we're good friends but i still think about her sometimes... found out later she like me way more than i thought she did... (raises the roof) go me, go me!!! but now i'm chatting with an old friend on and off and she's just cool peeps and to be honest, i should have went to prom with her but the almighty, mr. confidence him self, was actually afraid to ask her. even a mutual friend of ours was like , "DOUG, YOU SHOULD REALLY ASK HER TO PROM... STOP BEING SILLY" and she gave me the wink like the feeling would be mutual but i just froze up. she looked great too, now that i think about it. we even had a moment junior year where i got her number but i never called. hmmm, second chance won't be blown *looks over imaginary shades, then pushes them back up with a sinister grin* ya feel me? but in all seriousness i'm looking forward to whatever happens between me and whoever because being young has it advantages.... ladies, think about it... being young has it's advantages doesn't it? stamina is a funny thing, i have tons of it and i'm not selfish at all... mind over matter right? i would make a great jedi if that world were real, that's all i gotta say!!! no it's not, one more thing... ima James, and even though i fight the bad habbits that are coded into my genes, i'm coming out my cage in june and july because that's when i'll be doing most of my travelling... i will take full responsibility for all of my actions but that doesn't mean i won't be as horrible as the GGC founding father that i am... enough, enough... yall will see in about two weeks... holler at me world, face book me douglas inkwell james... http://www.myspace.com/biggerd07 ... tweeting is stupid to me, if you need something dope written i write academic stuff, fiction, and i tailor non fiction, as well as song lyrics... i'm bored right now and i wanna write some more but i gotta dip out for a minute so i might be back beforei doze off. holler at me world

not really thinking about it

i'm looking
i'm looking for the answer
to a question that is just as difficult to answer as it is to ask
i'm looking at myself because understanding is different for everyone
and i'm looking at the world half masked
i would love for you all to see me for who i really am
a guy who's destiny is clouded by self doubt, lack of initiative, and fear
i'm afraid to fail, afraid to succeed, afraid of change
but i look back and am never amazed at how i'm unafraid to talk a great game
so if i'm all talk, what does that make me?
a hypocrite? a loser? or a liar?
either way you and i look at it, it's not good.
from what i've seen i can admit that no one is perfect
but i'm starting to ask my self if i deserve it
"it" would be happiness because happiness is the closest thing to perfect
happiness gives the illusion of perfection
if you're truly happy you will perceive things as perfect
but you eyes see what you want them to see.
and i would like mine to struggle to see 20 years from now
i will be accomplished in the realms of academia, business, and self fulfillment
not to mention, you will see me somewhere talking a great game to some eager youth
and i will be neither of the three things i was 20 years younger, 20 years more foolish,
20 years less learned in the lesson of life
20 years before i had a better understanding of how to live my life
so i sit here letting my fingers guide this blog to where it may end,
thinking...
thinking about all the things i've seen, what i'm seeing, and what will be seen...
just thinking and blinking

a few good friends

... all i gotta say is that i'm back on 808 and heartbreaks... don't know if that's a good thing. the creativity is just off the charts on this particular album but so is the pain. i can't say i'm honestly in pain, but i'm just trying to de-stress a lil bit. i can't even enjoy myself right now because it's like i'm loosing friends like pencils over here (i used to loose like 3 pencils a day in school). i'm not even tripping because i believe the whole issue to be trivial in my mind, not to mention that some people's actions are based in lies. but hey i'm like forget those who are so quick to jump ship. and i'm trying to keep my own stress levels as low as possible because some of my friends tell me about their issues, and it seems like i've always been a good listener but i feel as though i don't really have people to listen to my thoughts for real because i don't trust everyone with my issues and thoughts with the exception of a good friend here or there... so i guess that means i do have people to listen. maybe i'm just tripping but i don't have that one person in my life who can just make me smile out the blue... ok, now that i think about it i do. what i'm trying to show yall is that when you acutally think about it, more than likely you are surrounded by a good supporting cast, you just have to look around and appreciate what you have instead of missing what you don't have. a few good friends are all that i have, and even though that number is dwindling slowly but surely, i still feel as though i have good friends.

remember "despite, not in spite, gets you farther in life"

rambling on

i really want yall to know that i'm having fun with this journey i'm on to dread-hood... lol. just moments ago, i just shampooed and conditioned my dreads so they will lock, but be healty cause my hair was a lil dry and i didn't want to run into no real problems down the road.
currently i'm listening to steve harvey's radio show. sound like this ninja talking straight to me. well kinda anyway. i'm kinda catching feelings for this one friend of mine, but we only get close to what it takes to be a good couple but it seems like the pieces never quite fall into place. and to behonest she's such a good woman... not girl, but woman, that i really can't stand to picture her with anyone else but at the same time we're not an item. i'm handling the situation the best way i know how, which is be happy for her no matter what she chooses because that's my homie for real... like if something happened to her i would probably have a breakdown. i feel that way about all my close friends. their happiness is equal to my happiness. one life to live never ask for a mulligan... lil wayne!
so i can't really figure out what's happening when i start falling for these women, cause i don't even entertain lil girls for real. i gotta admit that i've been hung up on this individual for a while, and i found out that she actually liked me a great deal a while back and it kinda shocked me. made me feel like i was like the rest of the guys she's met that just didn't appreciate her for real, but i know that wasn't the case. just a miscommunication on my part i just. any who, i'm just trying ot figure out what's good with me and women right now (i will never be interested in men, just to clear that up if there was even a window for a misunderstanding right there) because i consider my self an individual who deserves to be happy.
i'm at the young age of 20 and i think about marriage and what it would be like, every aspect of it. what it would talk to make it through those days when every single thing goes wrong and it seems like there is no pleasing your life partner no matter what you do. when you have the responsibility and pleasure to raise your children the way you see fit and try to make sure they are comfortable and know that they are loved. what values you'll instill into them, how you will handle child rearing, if you will challenge them to be the best they can be or just let them find their own way.... i mean i think about these things all the time. i see my nephews cam, and jaylon and i try to imagine what my brothers go through on the daily basis trying to be good fathers. if you're not familiar with my family then you might not know that all my brothers are excellent father figures and i must admit they've set the bar pretty high in that department so i just sit back and take notes for now.
so i guess what i'm trying to say, is my mind rambles!!! lol, but for real it really does. my homie maurice once told me that i have all the confidence in the world when it comes to life, he said: doug you aint really scared of shit (paraphrase) but when it comes to the hoes i see you kinda hesitant... he might be on to something. but, i'd rather take my time and see who's worth chasing rather than throwing myself out there over and over only to have meaningless relationships. i don't really want to catch a variety of fist so to speak, i'd just like to catch that one that i'll never forget the story as to how it all happened, and i always smile when someone mentions their name, and i can tell them she's doing fine because we're still together, that's just the type of guy that i am... i'll let yall continue on your way for now. (thinks for a way to end this entry) ... i'm sure my mind will ramble again so i'll catch you later world.? (shrugs shoulders)

a dreaded entry

one day my big brother ddwayne just decided to not get hair cuts anymore because he wanted to grow braids. and my other brother kevin soon followed. i always looked up to my brothers for different reasons and that has changed some since i've gotten a little older, but i still look up to them none the less. so seeing that they had braids of course i wanted them too. no matter how many times i tried to grow my hair it always seemed like my mom would make me get it cut. she would say that my hair was too rough and tought to get braided when clearly my brother wayne's hair tends to curl harder than mine. so i took care of my low cut hair and hardly ever had dandruff, even when my skin would get dry spots in the winter i would seldom have dandruff. i had fades and waves for most of my life so it didn't really bother me. i kinda grew my hair the summer before senior year and had a baby fro but i cut it off near the end of first quarter because i had jrotc and i'd play in it and i would look rough and unkempt by the time i got to work. since i was the first thing the customers saw i kinda wanted to keep my image as being a well groomed guy. i went to claflin freshman year and i thought to my self i was pretty grown now and was able to make my own decisions on most things and i got my one of my best friends royce to cut my hair for an honors banquet and i was like that's the last hair cut i'll be getting for a while. and antwan was like "shut that shit up doug, you been said that" (paraphrase). he was joking but he was right. i been tried to grow braids. i wanted braids because they were clean looking and versatile. you could be creative or simple with braids; it was your choice. well, wayne cut half his hair off and got dreaded, and i thought i would look way different with dread and i wanted to try something new. so after growing my lil fro all summer i got dreaded late the monday night before i went to vote for the first time. it was like perfect timing, time for change in more ways than once i suppose. at first i let one of my nephew friends do them and she did a poor job. the one thing she didn't do was damage my hair. but that's as good as it gets. the dreads would come loose withing a week, would be easily washed out when i had to clean my hair. and she would be easily distracted and it once took me 4 and a half hours to get them tightened. so i decided to check out one of wayne's friends and i've been loving it every since. she uses the comb-twist method and they are locking up rappidly.

for me, i'd like my dreads to say first and foremost that i'm a confident individual who isn't afraid to be myself. my dreads remind me of a younger version of my self who looked up to the older males in my family and remind me that i have younger ones looking up to me. if i told you i grew them for a deeply spiritual reason then i'd be lying, if i told you they make me feel closer to my african ancestors then that would be true in a way. there are people all over the globe who locks their hair in different ways and for different reasons and no two people's dreads are the same. something as simple as dread locks crosses all barriers you can think of... age: both young and old people get dreadlocks; sex: men and women choose to lock their hair; race: asian, european, african, austrailian... pick a continent and i guarantee you a person on that continent has dreads for whatever reason. something as simple as dreadlocks reassures me that there is hope that one day people will stop seeing differences and just appreciate each other for what they are worth. anf if they can't do that, then respectively decline to be in each others' company. i'd love to see the day where humans realize that we're all connected in a way.

shots out to vivian alexander, ddwayne james, deryk wilkins, brian means, damien alexander, alex barr (cut his off recently), ronald spurlock jr.... these are the dread heads that i know, soon my homie lebaron will make this list.

reguardless, i suppose

it's taken me forever to actually complete this post and i guess it truly consists of two parts. first part: i was vexed by this conversation that i had with one of my home girls. and to me it kinda seemed like the final mic check before a concert. i don't know if she wanted to make sure everything was what she thought it was and making sure to put things in their place. i was cool with that for the most part, that night the conversation was just on my mind and bothering me. not her fault at all, but it just kept replaying over and over in my head. so i text her but that didn't really do anything to satisfy my discomfort. still not really anyone's fault, it just is what it is. so i finally went to sleep and didn't have a dream. part two: i woke up, it didn't really cross my mind at all, i went through my whole day of not doing much of anything. oh yea, my brothers lb and arna back in town and that might have been it. so i talked with lb about it and he spoke his mind on it. then i talked to arna and he spoke his mind on it. so i was just had a wtf moment and i kinda just replay it all once again.... let's just say i don't really wonder what if anymore. i'm more like whatever happens happens, and i'll deal with the fall out later. i'm gonna be the same old me regardless and all the hoping and wanting certain situations aint really cutting it so i'm cutting them out. but on the other hand i've gained another great friend, who has best friend potential...

it feels aight to be back

what's good world? i know it's been a loooooooooong time since i've stopped to tell yall whats good with me but it be that way some time. i don't know what's all happened since i've last talked to yall but i'm sure we'll catch up eventually on it all. but i really wanted to let yall know that it's summer time so you know what that means... i'm straight wilding out. catch me if you can ya feel me. i'm looking for some steady work, steady community service, i gotta loose 30 pounds with an additional 20 being optional, and take at least one road trip. now if you followed my blog last summer you know that things got kinda intense between me and the one and only sundae. i'd just like to let yall know she's good, and told me that she will behave this summer. as will i *cough... bullshit*. any who, for the most part i think females are wilding all around me and i will have no parts of their tom foolery. i gotta try, and try, and try even harder not to be the traditional james/nicholson that i am...*sheds tear* it's so hard to be this good when my genes tell me to be so bad. well there is no reward for doing the right thing so i will remain "invictus" in that aspect of life, along with many other aspects. hopefully i'll be completing a shot but flavorful mixtape by the end of june, i need to get up on my poetry game a little, and i should be dropping a short story called "not letting it slide" before ya know it. i know this may seem like a lot (because it is) but i am me and it's nathan(nothing) ya dig? i am looking for a special chick to call my own, if you know her please tell her to hit me up via email or fb (facebook). my type is: cute, down to earth, a lil silly like me, she aint gotta be a rocket scientist but able to hold a conversation, i prefer brown skinned but then again i don't discriminate at all when it comes to women, and she had to be able to tell the truth, we all have a past and i want you to know i don't trip about things in the rear view mirror ya dig... i guess that will be all for the moment, hopefully i'll drop something else soon. and if you see the people who's blog is featured on my blog... lb, tia, myea, and michelle tell them ninja's i sad to blog, aight? cool. inkwell out!