lack of convo= high moment of the year

so i've been talking to a few of my fellow dungeon royalty members but i have to admit that brittany's input was valued the most, from what i told her she thought i was in love, but i told her i was like right at the cliff and nothing was done to pull me over the edge, even though i would like go through hell for the girl. but, i would only go through hell if there was more, i have to admit that even if progress is made and it's not quick enough then my patience will wear thin quickly. 6 months ago i was highly infactuated with a young lady and we've been talking on the phone, texting having a high ho time, but we're right where we started in june+ at least 2 "breakups" minus the excitement of something new... so i had a high moment last night and said that i don't wanna pursue her any more. and i really won't, if things don't change. she knows that i still want to be friends and all of that, and what i said might not even be a big deal to her, but i feel like i cut off my right hand last night... fyi i'm right handed...yea, i really thought i was gonna be waste deep in paul masson by now, but thanks to a few friends i spared my self the effects of heavy drinking lol. kidd said let her star gaze from the out side cause she acting out of this world; ezra said damn homie... 6 months...; lb said if you over there tearing up and all that shit then do you; and brittany said that if i feel the way i say i do then why won't i wait for her to be the best her that she could be... i don't even know how to feel right now but kanye's been here through it all... and common because that punch drunk love is whats up... and drake cause i need a replacement girl even though no one could replace her... i guess i need someone to hold me over until the day she gets it together for her self, but what if she be like , fuck you nigga i thought you were tired of waiting in a very sarcastic voice and uses her eyes the way she does, and doesn't do that lil thing she does with her face that inturn makes me do that thing i do with mine... that would be very... very... REAL. it would mortify (to subject to severe and vexing embarrassment) me... yea, that would be some realness for my ass. but me being the dapper, swagalicious guy that i am ... scratch all of that... i think i just wanted to talk more, about you about me, about the stuff we never talked about, about the questions that never got asked. i just wanted to be real with you and i am right now admitting i didn't really let you in... talking with brittany made me realize that i had walls up too, just one big ass impassible wall because i didn't want to expose my self to you for real... in 09, people can ask what ever they like and i'm really trying to keep it real with yall... no matter the question. i think lack of conversation is what made me feel the way i did. i mean just blogging about it is making me feel a tad better... i'm on the road to recovery i guess... and if you think back to once of the first conversaions we ever had, i think my heart is stronger than i think it is too...

mulligan

i would ask for it if i knew it wasn't in vain
i would ask for a chance to make a change
to redo one thing... but i know better
each and every letter cut me when i spoke them
i spoke from the heart,
but those words, i wish i hadn't knowed them
or sowed them like seeds
now i'm filled with sorrow
but crying these t's...
e's a's r's and s's
guesses? i have none as to what the future holds
i thought i would feel relieved but no, no, no
it's quite the opposite
i feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life...
and weirdly at the same time, i'm glad i spoke my mind
six months and i'm right where i started
but if this was a test i'd be deemed mentally retarded
but it's not a test, it was a me
and a her
and the conversation is so blurry already...
i wish we had talked about more
and i'd asked more questions
and was the old me
but honestly she met who i am now
and i'm full of fear, despite what i might say
i blame no one for why i am the way i am now
but the old me (pre heart break) would have been way more thoughtful and creative...
i already want to tell you that when you finish working on you, call me before anyone else
... i tried sleep a few mins ago and it didn't work, so now i'm blogging
i can't even be poetic right now cause it's raining on my lab top again...
and those rain drops can't change anything...

lslsldkkosdlkjlksfkjllksdkllkslksdjlkklsdfjhfio238090922800ioefkjlnwefni0e009f0niofon0efr0i093009fri0nwefiwfinsf0w0... that sums up what those messy things are telling me... i'm a terrible mess right now and i would like a mulligan but they truly don't exist because people might forgive but they don't forget that easily...

A Thundering F.A.Q From the Strong Silent Type

angels on my shoulders speak often
he say i shouldn't do but HE says that i should
i say that i can't and both reply: you could
and i should
but what's really good
not the way i'm feeling
to much of a hassle
to be performing all of this concealing
they ask what she's dealing
i say :that good old fashion what i need to start feeling again
he asks :is it worth it my friend
and HE says: here we go a-mutherfucking-gain
i don't mind waiting
but this situation got me feeling like a diamond
not common
but so un- (as in uncommon) that the pressure is changing me
both he and HE said: more like straining me
and i replied:us, yall mean us right?
cause we all be up at night
trying to get our head right
(not my heart
cause He's the strong silent type)
consider what she is and not the hype
with all things known is she worth the fight
a simple yae or nae is all yall need say
HE replied: no! emphatically
he said yes
He spoke for the first time in a long time:
...
you know what you have to do, you have to F.A.Q.
but i'm not sure if thats what i wanna do
i'm no super man,
i'm just a doug j. type dude
game over, we both loose

a natural liking for or attraction to a person, thing, idea, etc.

affinity
mine is like a limited infinity
that wants to be,
but remains not a friend to me
though it has me grinning
there's nothing funny
i'm actually feeling crummy
feeling like crash test dummies
now that i'm out of ideas i have my mind running
stunning
how it seems you're slipping from me
though i never had you in my grasp
and
i think that fact rasps me the most
so i climb into the chevy and coast along the roads
looking towards the future
hoping i find someone half as great as you
sooner
rather than later
but since chasing your soul is a tole taker
i'd rather bunt
than swing for the fences
seeing as how it feels safer
it doesn't seem to pay
to be a high risk taker
but this is just a single layer
of this well rapped slayer

fear is the conveyor of weakness
weakness is never confused with meekness
however
vice versa is often
and before i leave for the coffin
which is constantly calling
i will find her
living, breathing, coughing, walking and talking
whose affinity
is me
an unbound infinity
of latent poetry
knowingly
letting her know i love her thoroughly
through my actions
hardly ever lacking perfection
in the form of playful affection
and before i get carried away with what i'm feeling
i'm back to thought of my heart
and how it seems to need protecting

i hope that my fear of one
who has an affinity for me
will not be an overwhelming enemy of me

a.r.a.n. 4 w/side note

... i just wanna let you know that i'm the safest bet in 09'... there's too many things in 10' that depend on what i do in o9' for me to not be on top of everything this year. first off, i really wanna return to claflin in 2010 so that i can rejoin my friends and cross those burning sands where i feel at home first and foremost. a very slim second is i feel like i gotta redeem my self a little since i kinda dropped the ball in 08'. i have to care less about what i want to do and just get what i have to get done accomplished. i'm in the friend making mood so i'll be meeting new people and living a lot more in o9, first road trip will probably be to UAB this year but i will be at Claflin in the spring. i can't wait no more, i've had my little slum time but since people having been passing and i've had a little bit of time to try and mature a little more, i realize that i'm a grown african american male in a harsh society. i can't afford to look for sympathy form others, god blesses the child who has his own right? so in 09' i'm making moves for independence. i want to have enough money where i can help out with the house, get a decent car that IS MINE, actually pretend that i care about my comic, novel, and music writing, get into shape. i don't wanna loose my big guy charm, i just wanna be able to play basketball for an hour without being toatlly wiped out. i've started but the recovery time is like 4 days so that means i'm trying too hard right now and i have to pace my self. i'm gonna be walking around the neighborhood a lot more and basically boil, bake, broil, grill, stew, and any other method of cooking besides fried foods. less than half my meal will be meat and i will eat a lot more fruits and veggies in 09'. i'm bout to eat way more fruits seeing as how they're tasty and the human body can use them efficiently, soda is out in 09'. it's all about water these days (tea and coffee will be flowing as well, but way more water though)... i'm growing the dreads still, i'm trying to just be weary from success in o9...

side note

i will say that my heart remains yours for now, but it's up for lease seeing as how there is an electrified fence around "that situation" and doesn't seem like we'll be making it past that hang up anytime soon. i'm really flattered that you feel the way you do about me, that you wondered what if once upon a time, that my emotions weren't the only ones on that yo-yo, and that you even start breaking down a wall or two these last couple of weeks but it's not enough for me. i'm way more patient that i seem but, it's really sagittarius like to never be satified no matter how much progress has been made towards a certain goal. you're simply amazing and i want you to know that i'm always wishing the best for you and yours and even though you might not get it, you can have it... lol. so many words... thoughts... all about you. but, i _____ __ __ ____ _____. hopefully i'll be writing more poetry in 09 that's not grief related and share it with my blog readers. but until then, be safe, be cool, and be who you wanna be in 09!