quickie (not that way)

whattup world, just coming by to drop this drive by blog... and i'm gonna make this quick because i've strained both my left and right shoulders and arms and it hurts to type. i stayed up all night thursday to tighten my own dreads because my the girl that does my hair obviously didn't want to do them, and everyone thought i just got my hair done again... which is good... and my dreads are getting longer, i guess it's a summer thing (my life usually gets intense over the summer for some reason every since high school... might be my hormones). then travis, junebug, and i was on some bacrdi rum gold... and i knew i was in trouble when june bug had a lil bit and he was buzzing because he has a high tolerence for liq. so i took about 3 shots and that was it for me because it tasted like a blend of ligtning and ass. i quickly chased it with some coke soda and proceeded to sit back and enjoy my buzz. travis kept trying to get me to drink more but i wasn't going for it. him and june bug were zooted (a lil drunk but still able to function, not completely wasted).and we were cracking up because junebug kept semi-passing out... and i remembe travis kept leaning on the wall laughing. i was quite tired from being up all night the night before and i was slowly fading the whole time... i was talking with them with my eyes closed before i blacked out from fatigue... they did wake me up to let me know they were leaving. i had fun yesterday, i woke up at like 2 and ended up catching game two where lebron made that game winning shot... been up all night and not really sleepy but i might just go ahead and lay down just because. but i think i really might have strained my arms and shoulder doing my hair for so long... and it's all YOUR fault, you know who you are

mouth full

what's up world? it's me, again, still listening to kanye's 808's and heartbreaks! i think i'm becoming weary a little bit. it's like i'm actually tired of being me. it's like i just wanna be my complete opposite for a day just to see what would happen but i can't man, i know i would say and do some outrageous things like never before... and i think i'm getting writer's block. i'm having a hard time coming up with lyrics and developing my stories. to be honest it might be that i spend so much time sleeping and when i do get up i don't really want to do anything. i haven't been reading a lot of imaginative literature in the last year either so that could be part of the problem that i can actually work on. as far as the music thing goes, i can write some dope stuff but i'm not the best at delivering it so i'm thinking about taking a serious time out on it until i feel better about it. i've been working on my delivery for a while, and while i've made some improvement i just feel like it's still not to the level i would like it to be. then there's the whole girlfriend issue... one day my good griend g asked me when i was gonna get a girlfriend and i told her that i wouldn't tell her when i did because she was over protective. then laura asked when me and g was getting married and kept telling laura g goes with her cousin because she does... and on top of that i haven't like g beyond the realm of being friends for a looooonnnnng time now. then the next day i went to my brother's house and he asked me what type of girls i liked because he was going to find me a girlfriend and a job because he wasn't going to pay for all my dates. so i'm glad (and amused) i got worried loved one but i've never really needed a girlfriend to feel like a normal guy. right now i'm just looking for cool females i could chill with on a non sexual vibe. someone that's willing to meet me half way in whatever type of friendship/relationship no matter what we choose to do. i gotta admit i've been thinking about a girlfriend every since the sundae situaiton came up last year. i don't even know what that was, but it was fun, it was intense, it was like having the best appetizer possible but there was no main course or desert... exactly!!! safe to say we're good friends but i still think about her sometimes... found out later she like me way more than i thought she did... (raises the roof) go me, go me!!! but now i'm chatting with an old friend on and off and she's just cool peeps and to be honest, i should have went to prom with her but the almighty, mr. confidence him self, was actually afraid to ask her. even a mutual friend of ours was like , "DOUG, YOU SHOULD REALLY ASK HER TO PROM... STOP BEING SILLY" and she gave me the wink like the feeling would be mutual but i just froze up. she looked great too, now that i think about it. we even had a moment junior year where i got her number but i never called. hmmm, second chance won't be blown *looks over imaginary shades, then pushes them back up with a sinister grin* ya feel me? but in all seriousness i'm looking forward to whatever happens between me and whoever because being young has it advantages.... ladies, think about it... being young has it's advantages doesn't it? stamina is a funny thing, i have tons of it and i'm not selfish at all... mind over matter right? i would make a great jedi if that world were real, that's all i gotta say!!! no it's not, one more thing... ima James, and even though i fight the bad habbits that are coded into my genes, i'm coming out my cage in june and july because that's when i'll be doing most of my travelling... i will take full responsibility for all of my actions but that doesn't mean i won't be as horrible as the GGC founding father that i am... enough, enough... yall will see in about two weeks... holler at me world, face book me douglas inkwell james... http://www.myspace.com/biggerd07 ... tweeting is stupid to me, if you need something dope written i write academic stuff, fiction, and i tailor non fiction, as well as song lyrics... i'm bored right now and i wanna write some more but i gotta dip out for a minute so i might be back beforei doze off. holler at me world

not really thinking about it

i'm looking
i'm looking for the answer
to a question that is just as difficult to answer as it is to ask
i'm looking at myself because understanding is different for everyone
and i'm looking at the world half masked
i would love for you all to see me for who i really am
a guy who's destiny is clouded by self doubt, lack of initiative, and fear
i'm afraid to fail, afraid to succeed, afraid of change
but i look back and am never amazed at how i'm unafraid to talk a great game
so if i'm all talk, what does that make me?
a hypocrite? a loser? or a liar?
either way you and i look at it, it's not good.
from what i've seen i can admit that no one is perfect
but i'm starting to ask my self if i deserve it
"it" would be happiness because happiness is the closest thing to perfect
happiness gives the illusion of perfection
if you're truly happy you will perceive things as perfect
but you eyes see what you want them to see.
and i would like mine to struggle to see 20 years from now
i will be accomplished in the realms of academia, business, and self fulfillment
not to mention, you will see me somewhere talking a great game to some eager youth
and i will be neither of the three things i was 20 years younger, 20 years more foolish,
20 years less learned in the lesson of life
20 years before i had a better understanding of how to live my life
so i sit here letting my fingers guide this blog to where it may end,
thinking...
thinking about all the things i've seen, what i'm seeing, and what will be seen...
just thinking and blinking

a few good friends

... all i gotta say is that i'm back on 808 and heartbreaks... don't know if that's a good thing. the creativity is just off the charts on this particular album but so is the pain. i can't say i'm honestly in pain, but i'm just trying to de-stress a lil bit. i can't even enjoy myself right now because it's like i'm loosing friends like pencils over here (i used to loose like 3 pencils a day in school). i'm not even tripping because i believe the whole issue to be trivial in my mind, not to mention that some people's actions are based in lies. but hey i'm like forget those who are so quick to jump ship. and i'm trying to keep my own stress levels as low as possible because some of my friends tell me about their issues, and it seems like i've always been a good listener but i feel as though i don't really have people to listen to my thoughts for real because i don't trust everyone with my issues and thoughts with the exception of a good friend here or there... so i guess that means i do have people to listen. maybe i'm just tripping but i don't have that one person in my life who can just make me smile out the blue... ok, now that i think about it i do. what i'm trying to show yall is that when you acutally think about it, more than likely you are surrounded by a good supporting cast, you just have to look around and appreciate what you have instead of missing what you don't have. a few good friends are all that i have, and even though that number is dwindling slowly but surely, i still feel as though i have good friends.

remember "despite, not in spite, gets you farther in life"

rambling on

i really want yall to know that i'm having fun with this journey i'm on to dread-hood... lol. just moments ago, i just shampooed and conditioned my dreads so they will lock, but be healty cause my hair was a lil dry and i didn't want to run into no real problems down the road.
currently i'm listening to steve harvey's radio show. sound like this ninja talking straight to me. well kinda anyway. i'm kinda catching feelings for this one friend of mine, but we only get close to what it takes to be a good couple but it seems like the pieces never quite fall into place. and to behonest she's such a good woman... not girl, but woman, that i really can't stand to picture her with anyone else but at the same time we're not an item. i'm handling the situation the best way i know how, which is be happy for her no matter what she chooses because that's my homie for real... like if something happened to her i would probably have a breakdown. i feel that way about all my close friends. their happiness is equal to my happiness. one life to live never ask for a mulligan... lil wayne!
so i can't really figure out what's happening when i start falling for these women, cause i don't even entertain lil girls for real. i gotta admit that i've been hung up on this individual for a while, and i found out that she actually liked me a great deal a while back and it kinda shocked me. made me feel like i was like the rest of the guys she's met that just didn't appreciate her for real, but i know that wasn't the case. just a miscommunication on my part i just. any who, i'm just trying ot figure out what's good with me and women right now (i will never be interested in men, just to clear that up if there was even a window for a misunderstanding right there) because i consider my self an individual who deserves to be happy.
i'm at the young age of 20 and i think about marriage and what it would be like, every aspect of it. what it would talk to make it through those days when every single thing goes wrong and it seems like there is no pleasing your life partner no matter what you do. when you have the responsibility and pleasure to raise your children the way you see fit and try to make sure they are comfortable and know that they are loved. what values you'll instill into them, how you will handle child rearing, if you will challenge them to be the best they can be or just let them find their own way.... i mean i think about these things all the time. i see my nephews cam, and jaylon and i try to imagine what my brothers go through on the daily basis trying to be good fathers. if you're not familiar with my family then you might not know that all my brothers are excellent father figures and i must admit they've set the bar pretty high in that department so i just sit back and take notes for now.
so i guess what i'm trying to say, is my mind rambles!!! lol, but for real it really does. my homie maurice once told me that i have all the confidence in the world when it comes to life, he said: doug you aint really scared of shit (paraphrase) but when it comes to the hoes i see you kinda hesitant... he might be on to something. but, i'd rather take my time and see who's worth chasing rather than throwing myself out there over and over only to have meaningless relationships. i don't really want to catch a variety of fist so to speak, i'd just like to catch that one that i'll never forget the story as to how it all happened, and i always smile when someone mentions their name, and i can tell them she's doing fine because we're still together, that's just the type of guy that i am... i'll let yall continue on your way for now. (thinks for a way to end this entry) ... i'm sure my mind will ramble again so i'll catch you later world.? (shrugs shoulders)

a dreaded entry

one day my big brother ddwayne just decided to not get hair cuts anymore because he wanted to grow braids. and my other brother kevin soon followed. i always looked up to my brothers for different reasons and that has changed some since i've gotten a little older, but i still look up to them none the less. so seeing that they had braids of course i wanted them too. no matter how many times i tried to grow my hair it always seemed like my mom would make me get it cut. she would say that my hair was too rough and tought to get braided when clearly my brother wayne's hair tends to curl harder than mine. so i took care of my low cut hair and hardly ever had dandruff, even when my skin would get dry spots in the winter i would seldom have dandruff. i had fades and waves for most of my life so it didn't really bother me. i kinda grew my hair the summer before senior year and had a baby fro but i cut it off near the end of first quarter because i had jrotc and i'd play in it and i would look rough and unkempt by the time i got to work. since i was the first thing the customers saw i kinda wanted to keep my image as being a well groomed guy. i went to claflin freshman year and i thought to my self i was pretty grown now and was able to make my own decisions on most things and i got my one of my best friends royce to cut my hair for an honors banquet and i was like that's the last hair cut i'll be getting for a while. and antwan was like "shut that shit up doug, you been said that" (paraphrase). he was joking but he was right. i been tried to grow braids. i wanted braids because they were clean looking and versatile. you could be creative or simple with braids; it was your choice. well, wayne cut half his hair off and got dreaded, and i thought i would look way different with dread and i wanted to try something new. so after growing my lil fro all summer i got dreaded late the monday night before i went to vote for the first time. it was like perfect timing, time for change in more ways than once i suppose. at first i let one of my nephew friends do them and she did a poor job. the one thing she didn't do was damage my hair. but that's as good as it gets. the dreads would come loose withing a week, would be easily washed out when i had to clean my hair. and she would be easily distracted and it once took me 4 and a half hours to get them tightened. so i decided to check out one of wayne's friends and i've been loving it every since. she uses the comb-twist method and they are locking up rappidly.

for me, i'd like my dreads to say first and foremost that i'm a confident individual who isn't afraid to be myself. my dreads remind me of a younger version of my self who looked up to the older males in my family and remind me that i have younger ones looking up to me. if i told you i grew them for a deeply spiritual reason then i'd be lying, if i told you they make me feel closer to my african ancestors then that would be true in a way. there are people all over the globe who locks their hair in different ways and for different reasons and no two people's dreads are the same. something as simple as dread locks crosses all barriers you can think of... age: both young and old people get dreadlocks; sex: men and women choose to lock their hair; race: asian, european, african, austrailian... pick a continent and i guarantee you a person on that continent has dreads for whatever reason. something as simple as dreadlocks reassures me that there is hope that one day people will stop seeing differences and just appreciate each other for what they are worth. anf if they can't do that, then respectively decline to be in each others' company. i'd love to see the day where humans realize that we're all connected in a way.

shots out to vivian alexander, ddwayne james, deryk wilkins, brian means, damien alexander, alex barr (cut his off recently), ronald spurlock jr.... these are the dread heads that i know, soon my homie lebaron will make this list.

reguardless, i suppose

it's taken me forever to actually complete this post and i guess it truly consists of two parts. first part: i was vexed by this conversation that i had with one of my home girls. and to me it kinda seemed like the final mic check before a concert. i don't know if she wanted to make sure everything was what she thought it was and making sure to put things in their place. i was cool with that for the most part, that night the conversation was just on my mind and bothering me. not her fault at all, but it just kept replaying over and over in my head. so i text her but that didn't really do anything to satisfy my discomfort. still not really anyone's fault, it just is what it is. so i finally went to sleep and didn't have a dream. part two: i woke up, it didn't really cross my mind at all, i went through my whole day of not doing much of anything. oh yea, my brothers lb and arna back in town and that might have been it. so i talked with lb about it and he spoke his mind on it. then i talked to arna and he spoke his mind on it. so i was just had a wtf moment and i kinda just replay it all once again.... let's just say i don't really wonder what if anymore. i'm more like whatever happens happens, and i'll deal with the fall out later. i'm gonna be the same old me regardless and all the hoping and wanting certain situations aint really cutting it so i'm cutting them out. but on the other hand i've gained another great friend, who has best friend potential...

it feels aight to be back

what's good world? i know it's been a loooooooooong time since i've stopped to tell yall whats good with me but it be that way some time. i don't know what's all happened since i've last talked to yall but i'm sure we'll catch up eventually on it all. but i really wanted to let yall know that it's summer time so you know what that means... i'm straight wilding out. catch me if you can ya feel me. i'm looking for some steady work, steady community service, i gotta loose 30 pounds with an additional 20 being optional, and take at least one road trip. now if you followed my blog last summer you know that things got kinda intense between me and the one and only sundae. i'd just like to let yall know she's good, and told me that she will behave this summer. as will i *cough... bullshit*. any who, for the most part i think females are wilding all around me and i will have no parts of their tom foolery. i gotta try, and try, and try even harder not to be the traditional james/nicholson that i am...*sheds tear* it's so hard to be this good when my genes tell me to be so bad. well there is no reward for doing the right thing so i will remain "invictus" in that aspect of life, along with many other aspects. hopefully i'll be completing a shot but flavorful mixtape by the end of june, i need to get up on my poetry game a little, and i should be dropping a short story called "not letting it slide" before ya know it. i know this may seem like a lot (because it is) but i am me and it's nathan(nothing) ya dig? i am looking for a special chick to call my own, if you know her please tell her to hit me up via email or fb (facebook). my type is: cute, down to earth, a lil silly like me, she aint gotta be a rocket scientist but able to hold a conversation, i prefer brown skinned but then again i don't discriminate at all when it comes to women, and she had to be able to tell the truth, we all have a past and i want you to know i don't trip about things in the rear view mirror ya dig... i guess that will be all for the moment, hopefully i'll drop something else soon. and if you see the people who's blog is featured on my blog... lb, tia, myea, and michelle tell them ninja's i sad to blog, aight? cool. inkwell out!

lack of convo= high moment of the year

so i've been talking to a few of my fellow dungeon royalty members but i have to admit that brittany's input was valued the most, from what i told her she thought i was in love, but i told her i was like right at the cliff and nothing was done to pull me over the edge, even though i would like go through hell for the girl. but, i would only go through hell if there was more, i have to admit that even if progress is made and it's not quick enough then my patience will wear thin quickly. 6 months ago i was highly infactuated with a young lady and we've been talking on the phone, texting having a high ho time, but we're right where we started in june+ at least 2 "breakups" minus the excitement of something new... so i had a high moment last night and said that i don't wanna pursue her any more. and i really won't, if things don't change. she knows that i still want to be friends and all of that, and what i said might not even be a big deal to her, but i feel like i cut off my right hand last night... fyi i'm right handed...yea, i really thought i was gonna be waste deep in paul masson by now, but thanks to a few friends i spared my self the effects of heavy drinking lol. kidd said let her star gaze from the out side cause she acting out of this world; ezra said damn homie... 6 months...; lb said if you over there tearing up and all that shit then do you; and brittany said that if i feel the way i say i do then why won't i wait for her to be the best her that she could be... i don't even know how to feel right now but kanye's been here through it all... and common because that punch drunk love is whats up... and drake cause i need a replacement girl even though no one could replace her... i guess i need someone to hold me over until the day she gets it together for her self, but what if she be like , fuck you nigga i thought you were tired of waiting in a very sarcastic voice and uses her eyes the way she does, and doesn't do that lil thing she does with her face that inturn makes me do that thing i do with mine... that would be very... very... REAL. it would mortify (to subject to severe and vexing embarrassment) me... yea, that would be some realness for my ass. but me being the dapper, swagalicious guy that i am ... scratch all of that... i think i just wanted to talk more, about you about me, about the stuff we never talked about, about the questions that never got asked. i just wanted to be real with you and i am right now admitting i didn't really let you in... talking with brittany made me realize that i had walls up too, just one big ass impassible wall because i didn't want to expose my self to you for real... in 09, people can ask what ever they like and i'm really trying to keep it real with yall... no matter the question. i think lack of conversation is what made me feel the way i did. i mean just blogging about it is making me feel a tad better... i'm on the road to recovery i guess... and if you think back to once of the first conversaions we ever had, i think my heart is stronger than i think it is too...

mulligan

i would ask for it if i knew it wasn't in vain
i would ask for a chance to make a change
to redo one thing... but i know better
each and every letter cut me when i spoke them
i spoke from the heart,
but those words, i wish i hadn't knowed them
or sowed them like seeds
now i'm filled with sorrow
but crying these t's...
e's a's r's and s's
guesses? i have none as to what the future holds
i thought i would feel relieved but no, no, no
it's quite the opposite
i feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life...
and weirdly at the same time, i'm glad i spoke my mind
six months and i'm right where i started
but if this was a test i'd be deemed mentally retarded
but it's not a test, it was a me
and a her
and the conversation is so blurry already...
i wish we had talked about more
and i'd asked more questions
and was the old me
but honestly she met who i am now
and i'm full of fear, despite what i might say
i blame no one for why i am the way i am now
but the old me (pre heart break) would have been way more thoughtful and creative...
i already want to tell you that when you finish working on you, call me before anyone else
... i tried sleep a few mins ago and it didn't work, so now i'm blogging
i can't even be poetic right now cause it's raining on my lab top again...
and those rain drops can't change anything...

lslsldkkosdlkjlksfkjllksdkllkslksdjlkklsdfjhfio238090922800ioefkjlnwefni0e009f0niofon0efr0i093009fri0nwefiwfinsf0w0... that sums up what those messy things are telling me... i'm a terrible mess right now and i would like a mulligan but they truly don't exist because people might forgive but they don't forget that easily...

A Thundering F.A.Q From the Strong Silent Type

angels on my shoulders speak often
he say i shouldn't do but HE says that i should
i say that i can't and both reply: you could
and i should
but what's really good
not the way i'm feeling
to much of a hassle
to be performing all of this concealing
they ask what she's dealing
i say :that good old fashion what i need to start feeling again
he asks :is it worth it my friend
and HE says: here we go a-mutherfucking-gain
i don't mind waiting
but this situation got me feeling like a diamond
not common
but so un- (as in uncommon) that the pressure is changing me
both he and HE said: more like straining me
and i replied:us, yall mean us right?
cause we all be up at night
trying to get our head right
(not my heart
cause He's the strong silent type)
consider what she is and not the hype
with all things known is she worth the fight
a simple yae or nae is all yall need say
HE replied: no! emphatically
he said yes
He spoke for the first time in a long time:
...
you know what you have to do, you have to F.A.Q.
but i'm not sure if thats what i wanna do
i'm no super man,
i'm just a doug j. type dude
game over, we both loose

a natural liking for or attraction to a person, thing, idea, etc.

affinity
mine is like a limited infinity
that wants to be,
but remains not a friend to me
though it has me grinning
there's nothing funny
i'm actually feeling crummy
feeling like crash test dummies
now that i'm out of ideas i have my mind running
stunning
how it seems you're slipping from me
though i never had you in my grasp
and
i think that fact rasps me the most
so i climb into the chevy and coast along the roads
looking towards the future
hoping i find someone half as great as you
sooner
rather than later
but since chasing your soul is a tole taker
i'd rather bunt
than swing for the fences
seeing as how it feels safer
it doesn't seem to pay
to be a high risk taker
but this is just a single layer
of this well rapped slayer

fear is the conveyor of weakness
weakness is never confused with meekness
however
vice versa is often
and before i leave for the coffin
which is constantly calling
i will find her
living, breathing, coughing, walking and talking
whose affinity
is me
an unbound infinity
of latent poetry
knowingly
letting her know i love her thoroughly
through my actions
hardly ever lacking perfection
in the form of playful affection
and before i get carried away with what i'm feeling
i'm back to thought of my heart
and how it seems to need protecting

i hope that my fear of one
who has an affinity for me
will not be an overwhelming enemy of me

a.r.a.n. 4 w/side note

... i just wanna let you know that i'm the safest bet in 09'... there's too many things in 10' that depend on what i do in o9' for me to not be on top of everything this year. first off, i really wanna return to claflin in 2010 so that i can rejoin my friends and cross those burning sands where i feel at home first and foremost. a very slim second is i feel like i gotta redeem my self a little since i kinda dropped the ball in 08'. i have to care less about what i want to do and just get what i have to get done accomplished. i'm in the friend making mood so i'll be meeting new people and living a lot more in o9, first road trip will probably be to UAB this year but i will be at Claflin in the spring. i can't wait no more, i've had my little slum time but since people having been passing and i've had a little bit of time to try and mature a little more, i realize that i'm a grown african american male in a harsh society. i can't afford to look for sympathy form others, god blesses the child who has his own right? so in 09' i'm making moves for independence. i want to have enough money where i can help out with the house, get a decent car that IS MINE, actually pretend that i care about my comic, novel, and music writing, get into shape. i don't wanna loose my big guy charm, i just wanna be able to play basketball for an hour without being toatlly wiped out. i've started but the recovery time is like 4 days so that means i'm trying too hard right now and i have to pace my self. i'm gonna be walking around the neighborhood a lot more and basically boil, bake, broil, grill, stew, and any other method of cooking besides fried foods. less than half my meal will be meat and i will eat a lot more fruits and veggies in 09'. i'm bout to eat way more fruits seeing as how they're tasty and the human body can use them efficiently, soda is out in 09'. it's all about water these days (tea and coffee will be flowing as well, but way more water though)... i'm growing the dreads still, i'm trying to just be weary from success in o9...

side note

i will say that my heart remains yours for now, but it's up for lease seeing as how there is an electrified fence around "that situation" and doesn't seem like we'll be making it past that hang up anytime soon. i'm really flattered that you feel the way you do about me, that you wondered what if once upon a time, that my emotions weren't the only ones on that yo-yo, and that you even start breaking down a wall or two these last couple of weeks but it's not enough for me. i'm way more patient that i seem but, it's really sagittarius like to never be satified no matter how much progress has been made towards a certain goal. you're simply amazing and i want you to know that i'm always wishing the best for you and yours and even though you might not get it, you can have it... lol. so many words... thoughts... all about you. but, i _____ __ __ ____ _____. hopefully i'll be writing more poetry in 09 that's not grief related and share it with my blog readers. but until then, be safe, be cool, and be who you wanna be in 09!

touch me tease me...

you say you scared
but i'm aware
that when you needed him he wasn't there
and now you can't care about me
you should know i'm in deep
and the climbing's to steep
yet i feel you like you beneath me in the bed
i kiss your forehead
but it's all in my head
like santa riding an open sled
i'm red
mostly embarassed but a lil tipsy
denyin that you not here with me
grabbing and kissing body parts
you're perfection as living art
exactly what picasso sought
cupid got me through the heart

i just got what i was asking for which is more of you. i understand that was a big step for you and i really appreciate it. so i'm sitting here marinating on that and it's doing me no good at all. i'm just thinking of beautiful words that sound nice but that's all. i don't know if we are going or coming and i'll elaborate when i'm able to think better

... guilty pleasure

let me seek you out and lay my warm hands upon you
taking my time to carress every curve sculpted into the living art that is your body
may my passion reach your soul when our lips meet
and may your satisfaction display itself in the form of your heart skipping a beat
allow me to tame your every desire
and don't be scared to reply when i inquire what your happiness requires
inkwell, doug j.; titles, i have several
but you may call me your guilty pleasure

i know it might need some work but i just kinda thought of it when i thought about that milky way commercial... might step the metaphors up or scap it all together.

A.R.AN. #3

i'm sitting here thinking about common's punch drunk love and kanye's say you will. don't know why, been thinking a lil lately about a lot of things going on in my life right now. My aunt died early last friday morning and her funeral is set for saturday 11 pm... she was like a mom to me and i think the hardest part is gonna be the fact that i will never hear her telling me "our story" and i'm really gonna miss her teasing me. i try not to be sad because she was the complet opposite and would always find a way to make me smile. she loved this maple based candy called goodies... and they were delicious, might go coupe a pack today to cheer my self up.

on a completely different note, i've been thinking and i have a question... am i supposed to be demoliton man? am i supposed to tear down these walls and go find a rare treasure? i've always taken things at face value even though i ponder and think in an analytical manner. just a thought that hit me when i was listening to that kanye just now. if confidence=swag then i thnk i'm sub par right now. it seems like i can't get anything right right now. i just feel like i'm doing everything the hard way and it's frustrating because i can't put my hands on the root of the problem.

Kanye & Doug J.

i've never heard 808 and heartbreaks so i'm just gonna listen to it and see what i come up with. i'm not sure if anybody will like/appreciate it but i'm just gonna keep it real and say what ever i'm feeling or thinking. don't be afraid if it aint all good cause nothing ever is.

say you will
the very first words on the track brings back a memory of me sitting on lb's sofa and you telling me you want to live in mobile... threw me off, and i feel like kanye, i wish it would come true and i fantasize about you. i feel like there shouldn't be a lot of talk between us because enough if not too much has already been said. am i love... i don't think so. i'm just engulfed in the intricate complexities that is you. nothing excites me more than an intelligent mind wrapped in beauty. but flattery gets you no where at all, actions get more results...

welcome to heartbreak
wow! this shit is sad! i want to have a great life, but i would much rather share it with a wife. at least a girlfriend. someone i can have more than a friendship with because i'm satisfied in that area of my life. i have friends galore! i have really good friends, both male and female. some i can tell my biggest secrets and some i can't. some i can talk about sex with, some i can not. some i can tell my flaws too and they'll keep it real and tell me exactly where i be messing up and others who will try to make me seem cool anyway. i know i'm cool because i'm real, so i prefer that they keep it real. i've always wanted a girlfriend but it's just the fact that i don't like bs and that slows my reaching out to females, especially when i see something i don't like. I always try to let the good outshine the bad but sometimes they won't let it. Like right now i got my homies blowed about who i don't like anymore... they thought i was playing or exaggerating, but i'm really not. Heartbreak is unavoidable, but when i see it coming i always go heads up with it... i never cross teh street, i never hurdle, i never juke... i'm stronger than it is and everyone isn't so let someone else see what they're capable of though me... why not?

heartless
did i loose my soul to a heartless woman... no. a friend, but that's old news. to keep it real, that whole event shapped me into who i am right now. i will never be heartless but i think i'm bout to put up walls. just to make it worse, i'm gonna put up bullet proof glass, unbreakable but you can see everything behind it... i think i'm bout to get into torture so to speak. and when you and someone you like aint clicking it's frustating and irritating... TELL ME ANYTHING... that just popped into my head for some unkown reason! to answer kanye: i can be heartless because ignoring my conscience is something i've been working on for a while now

amazing
it's amazing that when i look in the mirror i am looking for answers to questions that no one has ever asked. but i'd like them to be asked and to be wanted to be asked because some one cares enough to ask. i have an ego but it's not like you would think. i want to know that people care that my mom is feeling good, or my granny is still mugging and ignoring everybody who comes through the door. that my dad still whistles strange tunes in odd pitches. that wayne is still wayne and that johnny still gives everybody a hard time. that you might not ever meet wanda and that we can always get a drink at renee's house! that i can cook better than your moms, and i can bake almost as good as your grandma! that i can write silky smoothe poetry and even fables. that i know of john donne, robert frost, and milton too. that shakespere was a genius even if i don't like reading his works... i want you to know that you are trying to get to know me and won't try to change me even if you don't like some things about me..

love lockdown
kanye said it... we're just wasting time, where's the finish line.... you keep your love lock down and you loose... you choose. you can actually break this song down how ever you like... but kanye pretty much covered us but i wish it wasn't true

paranoid
why are you? everyone aint out to hurt you or let you down. why all the walls? i'm not sure if i'm tougher than them, then again i don't pick fights with walls... i let them stand, and i leave them alone. so much is flooding back to my mind... so very contradictory are the things i'm revisiting right now.

robocop
the name reminds me of that old movie where the killed that cop and they brought him back as a robot... he never gave up on his passion and it seemed like the deck was always stacked against him but he always made a way out of no way. even when he seemed obsolete he was able to win. and as far as the lyrics i don't want a robocop and you're no robocop. do you and i'ma do me maybe we'll be doing our own thing together one day but you making the whole give up thing really easy right now and i was serious as a heartbeat if we keep ending up back here.

street lights
just let me know if the walls are meant to be broken... there was a hint of glass cracking and you're brave for that (too much left to the imagination).

badnews
... moving on to the next track

see you in my nightmares
do people have the right to fight for those who aren't even indicating that they want to be won? i think about it all the time but i still make time to prepare for the fight. when ever, where ever... if i feel like they're worth it but even people like me get tired of stuggling with no results. i never want to see you in my nightmares because then its time to let you go. almost 6 months later and less than half the fire... is this a nightmare? or just a wake up call?

coldest winter
oh yes it tis! its 8 hours away... i've lost sleep. will this be the coldest winter ever... why do i even think about it? or you? it eludes me. it really does. this was a broken play action to the streaking receiver but why don't i throw it away. i'm not match for your defenses... so i'm left holding the ball at a really bad time but...

pinochio story
i don't wanna be a real boy because i'm a real man! if only pinochio had parents like mine...

L-factor (formerly named "10 lines prior to a thought")

i'm looking forward to not going back
while appreciating this instead of wishing for that
getting high off of not being so down
and understanding how silence can be a thundering sound

i've kept some ignorant to the things i've known
and exposed some to how sheltered i've become
my laying low has led to new heights
and my basking in the sun has turned to bathing in the pale moon light

you can take what you will but i'm giving my all
my pen may lie but my spirits will never fall

it took me minutes to work out how i was gonna make this poem work but i think i pulled it off alright and i just wanted yall to know that i'm still around but i've just had an issue or two to let work their selves out and they have. i'm really going on the prowl because i have to meet more girls because the ones i've known are not getting it for me and thats the uncontested truth. i'm not even upset because i've been knowing how things were gonna turn out for a while. I feel like i just got divorced but i have no choice (i perceive that i have no choice so if it is contested people may feel what ever they like) in the matter. I'm not brave enough to tell people how i really feel because i'm pretty sure i would alter (i really mean destroy) friendships and leave people mumbling how they don't understand... and just that they don't understand is a clear indication of some of the bullshit that needs to be addressed. of course i'm not the same person i was a year ago, are you? i'm fiending for someone to keep it real with and who will give me they're all even when it's hard and they don't know how we'll make it becuase i'll be right there with them making things the way they should be. i'm gonna leave yall with this thought: i'm not for everyone to understand because i know what love is and HOW TO love and love is an intangible variable that transcends comprehension!

lady who can make a difference

boo! i know it's been a while since i've last blogged but i guess i just haven't bee feeling the whole blog thing lately and that's just what it is! any way i've bee thinking a lot lately and i need to hit the reset button on the whole ladies situation. i'm not sure if i do or don't like this one girl even though she's so much fun and easy to talk to. i think she's failing a class or two but i'm cool with that because she was right... but that's just the thing she shouldn't be! i'm a fairly smart guy and i can pretty much see what is and isn't going to happen and no matter how much i might want that... emphasis on might, i don't see anything happen between us... it's like if we were face to face things might be different but i'm not willing to push any envelopes seeing as how we just talk trash on the phone! then everybody else has fallen completely off; point blank (period). i'm looking for a lady who can make a difference. who won't talk a good game and not come close to living up to the hype. who will make me feel like i'm never on the back burner even when her plate is full (of course there will be reciprocaiton)! i'm looking for someone who is not afraid to be their self even when it might make them seem weird because i don't like or tolerate fake peeps... i'm big on being who i am and i want others to feel comfortable being who they are around me. I'm not afraid to make my self vulnerable by putting my feelings on the line and i want a girl who'd do the same for me. while everybody has a certain amount of privacy, there wouldn't be much we wouldn't be able to talk about and there won't be no judgements passed because we all make mistakes. a sense of humor will go miles and miles with me, even if i don't get all her jokes and she doesn't get mine we can still share a laugh. of course she has to have a brain and the capacity to use it and vocalize her ideas (no, i don't think girls are dumb but i'm just making sure i let yall know i don't want a dim woman). why can't more guys be like me? good question but why can't more girls fall for guys like me? It's one of those things that i don't even trip on because i know who and what i am, and if you don't give your self a chance to discover me... then your loss. i'm done waiting on the girls to wake up and actually see me for Doug so now i'm looking for a lady who can make a difference in my having to write blogs like this!

thinking

yesterday was a good day, at least that's what i thought
i spent the entire day with her, guilt free, no faults
we went to the mall to update our swag
we tasted different cuisines so you know i was glad


yesterday was a good day, at least that's what i thought
it was a fun filled day from beginning to end
but when i woke up that's when reality set in
yesterday was a good day though it was just a thought